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... sounds like something out of a tabloid magazine, and it probably could be. Wonder whether anyone can offer anything constructive on this...
So, after a year of lies, my wife finally admitted to alcoholism in November last year and, after the usual refusals etc, finally agreed to go into rehab in December. She came out just before Christmas.
To the best of my knowledge, she has not had a drink since. She says she hasn't and I believe her.
I have supported her all the way in the process, from the moment she finally accepted the illness was taking over her, her family and her whole world.
It now transpired she meet someone in rehab and they have been having an affair pretty much from the moment she walked out of the building. She told me yesterday. She wants to be with him, he wants to be with her. She has no idea what she is going to do practically and how she is going to fund this next step in her life. We have two young kids. He is a recovering drug addict who lives with his parents and is more than ten years her junior.
Now, I hear that break-ups in the immediate aftermath of rehab are reasonably common.
She is again refusing to accept that alcohol is a factor - she has just grown out of love with me, she says - although she is displaying the same tendencies which dogged the worst of her time before rehan (lack of common sense, lack of acceptance, short answers, denial, lack of eye contact etc).
The last thing I want is for her to relapse as a result of the (inevitable?) collapse of this sudden and curious relationship or indeed be left on her own. I have tried to offer a load of support, respect and constructive thought process since her announcement. The rest of her family are in a rage. They have done so much to help her, they feel let down and treated with total disrespect.
I guess what I'm saying is this: my problem is getting the balance right between my personal fury and devastation and the acceptance that this is part of the ongoing process of alcoholism. I have done pretty much all I can to try to pursuade her this is a bad idea. I am not kicking her out, I am trying to communicate in a rational way. She is kind of half-listening.
Of course I don't deny there are normal reasons couples split, and we may well be one of them, I am not too proud to state I am a perfect husband, far from it, but I feel terribly let down and hurt by her betrayal which - it strikes me - is not a rational and logical decision.
Alcohol may not be involved, but it may be again one day. I should hate her but I don't. I have been through too much with her. I am simply worried for her and want to save her.
Aloha Pete and what you're going thru is more normal than abnormal. I'm a former therapist from a large rehab and the "rehab infatuations and affairs" were numberous not to be ignored. Like people attract like people. She is still irrational and alcoholism is still raging. Alcohol has alterered her mind, mood, emotions and behaviors and probably she has drank for a long time. Expecting the alcoholic to "just come to" is not realistic. I was taught the "half life" perception years ago and that is when the alcoholic stops drinking and attends to their recovery for the same amount of time that they spent with drinking they have reach the "half life" of their addiction cycle...everything after that is greater or higher growth. Bet you thought the insanity would stop when she stopped drinking? So did I and then by the time my alcoholic/addict wife had stopped drinking I was years into my Al-Anon program with a whole different set of expectations and behaviors for me. My alcoholic/addict wife had some very severe emotional, mental and behavioral problems...she wasn't going to just fall asleep one night and wake up whole. When the other "Toms, Dicks and Harrys" started to crowd our marriage I moved onward. God didn't plan or expect for me to go thru that kind of life style. Al-Anon for you and Alateen literature or meetings for the kids can and will help. Sad you're going thru this and keep coming back to this family. We'll help hold you up until you can stand upright by yourself. (((hugs)))
Hi Pete, in alanon we learn that we are powerless over alcoholics, we cannot save another, only ourselves. With this realisation comes freedom and hope for our own future.
Your wifedoesn't need to be enabled any longer. Her behaviour will be eating away at your self esteem and confidence. She is ill but that is no excuse for putting up with bad behaviour. How do you feel about her behaviour? Can you live with her if she never changes? Can she do whatever she likes and you can excuse it? What are you getting out of this relationship?
Ilearned that I had my own life to live and I no longer hide and live through my ex alcoholic.
my partner has been to rehab twice, he is sober at the moment about 7 months. I too have learnt that drinking is just one part of this illness, infact I could understand better when he was drunk but when dry I wanted everything to be o.k. This illness is so sad but that does not mean that we excuse unacceptable behaviour. My partner is dry and I am in Al anon I have educated myself about alcoholism. I love him so much, however today I love me too. Sounds like you are in the right place, hope you can get yourself to face to face meetings they are amazing, sounds like you could do with some love and support too.
keep coming back it works if you work it hugs tracy xxxxxx
Pete-seems like the ripples of the alcoholism continue even when the acoholic is no longer drinking...my ex AH was sober for 7 months, but that was all that changed. He was still emotionally just not there..never thought of others, nor the pain he had caused our family. He said to the therapist, " I quit drinking...what more does she want?" And, when she rep;ied, "That's only the first step" he looked completely baffled. Clearly NOT working a program...I finally left, after realizing that this was not the life I was meant to live. I came to the conclusion that I didn't like him when he was drinking, drugging and lying and when he got sober, I still didn't like him. Easy? Not by a long shot, but better than staying and waiting for the other shoe to fall.
He is now with a younger woman, a relapser, which I surmise makes him seem like the hero (probably wwhat he needed) As was stated, ill people seek ill people.
I am so sorry for your pain...just try to do today...and you WILL get through this. There is never an easy road when dealing with alcoholism, but here you will find others who have made it through the fire....hope that gives YOU hope....
This is so common that it is actually written about in the 12 and 12:
12&12 Step Twelve, p.119 It is only where "boy meets girl on A.A. campus," and love follows at first sight, that difficulties may develop. The prospective partners need to be solid A.A.'s and long enough acquainted to know that their compatibility at spiritual, mental, and emotional levels is a fact and not wishful thinking. They need to be as sure as possible that no deep-lying emotional handicap in either will be likely to rise up under later pressures to cripple them.
This is why this "new" relationship will probably bite her in the ass.
Anyhow Pete, I empathize and can't even express how I know this must be hurting you. However, there is also insanity in clinging on to a person that is that sick and that can be so cavalier in disregarding the sanctity of your marriage and your commitment. Also, you never "saved" her - Only her HP can do that and a person gets sober to have a life that God has planned for them, not what you have planned for them or even what YOU think God has planned for them. You are powerless over her doing what is "right" for her but not powerless over doing what's right for you. Of course I see how damaging her behavior is...especially when there are young children involved that would benefit much more from continued growth in a home with 2 sober stable parents. I'm sorry your wife isn't becoming that person right now even if she's not drinking.
