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My ah is not drinking. He's not drinking and he's not an alcoholic and I've no reason to be going to alanon.
He is so angry that he no longer hugs our son or has any interaction with him. He treats him as if he's not there. I think he is doing this because he is in a rage at me because I am getting help through alanon and this is a way of hurting me. It is. It's killing me.
My son had a nightmare the other day. He said he dreamed he went to see daddy and when daddy woke up he was a monster. So I debated telling my spouse, then decided when we were all together to ask about the nightmare so my ah would know how serious this is. So my boy, 10, repeated that he dreamed he woke and went to see his daddy to get a snuggle and his dad woke up and was a monster. I asked him what did the monster look like? He said the monster was balding (he pointed at his dad's head), had horns, and was all red. My spouse did not say anything, no reaction at all. There it was staring him in the face that his kid sees him as the devil and he didn't care at all. It was like there was no love there at all.
I am debating what to do. I know it is damaging for my son, 10, to be neglected like this. I do everything I can for him, but should I be packing my bags and getting out. I know when I've discussed my ah's behavior, his attitude, is you leave the two of you, you get out. I think he wants to live on his own in our house. It is across the street from my son's school and all our money is tied up in the house so I'm thinking carefully about just packing and running. I'm not sure after all is said and done, I'll ever get my equity out of the house to start fresh, and I will definitely need that start. I have told my son Daddy is not well and that's why he is behaving this way and it is not your fault. You have done nothing wrong. He is too young for alateen. What else should I be doing for him? Last night I prayed and prayed for no bad dreams for him and it was better today.
My spouse also ignores me and refuses to take any responsibility for anything. The other day the toilet plugged and he just left it like that. He doesn't care. The whole downstairs smelled like poop and he just sat around watching tv. Today I was able to unplug it by pouring warm water and soap and then plunging it. I had to try several times but I did it. Then I cleaned the bathroom.
I also tried to get him involved in helping gather the information for the taxes. He was self-employed for half of last year, so he owes many thousands of dollars. He appeared to be working on it for several days and looking at files, then he handed everything back to me, essentially the same spreadsheet I'd given him with nothing new filled out. It was bizarre. I told him the penalties can be enormous if you don't file on time and the accountant can't guess at his business expenses. It appears I'm going to have to do it all myself or else our family will pay the financial costs.
I am not sure how much more I can take. He is not beating us up, but I see his pent up rage and it scares me. I see the way he neglects responsibilities and it just makes me crazy. I see that he no longer goes to church. I see him up at all hours of the night and then sleeping in past his alarm. i see him pulling the covers over his head and calling in sick. I understand I am supposed to be detached, but the household doesn't run itself. Someone has to pay the bills, keep on schedule, get the groceries, clean the place, keep the car maintained, and make repairs when needed. I tried stopping doing his laundry so he would have to do something for himself. After two months I pulled the sheets off his bed and told him, you need clean sheets (he's sleeping in the master, I'm sleeping in the guest room because he keeps very strange hours and I was not getting rest.) He said he would do that and then I looked in this morning and he just slept on top of the mattress cover. He behaves like it is a hotel.
He responds when I say hello but mostly what he does is sit and watch tv or "work" on his computer. I don't think he's really working because he's not booking any overtime and he's "working" on his computer all the time, about 30-40 hours a week it appears over and above his work day which ends at 7:30 pm. He's also taken off his wedding ring and taken to wearing enormous amounts of cologne. In the morning the house is choking with the smell of it. I told him me and my son are allergic to it and the smell gives us a headache but he just ignored me and kept on with the heavy cologne use. This morning I opened all the windows and hid the bottles while he was at work. Yeah I know, not detachment! I would if I could.
I am getting to meetings, and I am online but mostly I hear about people whose spouses are actively drinking. My guy is just behaving as if he is actively drinking, no responsibility, no interaction with family, weird behaviors, volatile, on the edge about keeping his job. Any advice gratefully received.
I too am sorry you are having to go through this stuff. I know how hard it can be.
The only thing I would add to what has already been said, is put together a "hurricane evacuation package" and hide it. So, should it be time to get out, you have the car keys you need, a destinated safe place you will go to already in place (friends, family, new place or shelter), the paperwork and documents you'll need (birth certificates, medical records, etc.), some funds put aside, any medications that are needed (try to put a one week supply aside), extra clothing packed and ready to go, and extra key to get into the home when its safe to collect other personal belongings, preferably when the rager isn't home and with a police escort. And as has already been said, get to an attorney asap, to secure your rights to the property in a manner that keeps you in the loop, or gets you out of it with money in hand.
What you are describing sounds very unhealthy for yourself and your child. Unhealthy is a mild word, really. I think it really sounds dangerous at this point.
Whatever you do, keep a low profile, and don't let any one know about your plan, until you have already carried it out. (I have a personal story of tragdy that resulted from my sisters husband finding out before she was out because someone called him while she was seeing an attorney for consultation, I'll share that story with you another time, or you can review my past post from 2007 and read about it there.) I will only say at this time that she is now dead and he is going to sit in prison the rest of his life for her murder. I should say here that he had never hit her or been physically abusive prior to this day. Your description of your husband is how I would best describe him in the last year or two before he took my sisters life.
In any event, this is not something you need to keep playing head games with yourself over.. simply ask yourself, "whats in the best interest of this child" and you will know what to do... then do it. Quietly... with as little involvement of others as possible.
John
-- Edited by John on Friday 22nd of March 2013 01:04:36 AM
__________________
" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
I'm so sorry this is happening. It sounds as if you're clear on what your options are. You can't change him. He is unpleasant to be around and destructive to your son's well-being. You are worried about the house and the equity. That sounds like a fair worry to me. Have you consulted a lawyer about protecting your investment in the house and how to structure a separation? A lawyer will know the best way to go forward should you decide that separating should happen soon.
If you think that his rage might transform into violence if you decide to leave, of course you will want to take very careful precautions. A domestic violence organization will have good advice about how to do this so that you minimize the risk. Taking care of yourself and your son comes before anything.
Mattie's response is wonderful. It does not sound like a safe place for you or your son and it could escalate into a violent situation. If it were me, I would proceed quietly, yet deliberately; consult with an attorney and a counselor. This is going to very tough and trying. I am so sorry.
When my Ah was behaving badly, I talked very frankly with my kids (one was 8 at the time) about alcoholism, and what it does to people. Kids have this funny way of making everything their fault...and I didn't want that to happen to my son. Now my son is 10, and we say we know Dad loves him...but sometimes the alcoholism gets in the way of him doing what he should do...and he is making bad choices.
I am of the opinion that the sooner kids have information, the less likely they will blame themselves for the madness. I was also very careful not to trash his dad when I talked to him, but rather talk about alcoholism in a way I thought he could understand.
there are some really good resources on line for crisis plans...any of the domestic violence sites have some really good ideas to help you through this...it's hard to reach out, I know...but sometimes we need help...
There are some posts that haunt me after I read them, and yours was one of those. I struggled with whether it best to respond again or not, as you received some great responses; however, obviously I opted to respond before I get on with my work day. When I read your post initially, what came to my mind was your husband is a ticking time bomb and you are not safe, nor can you maniplate and control the environment to make it safe. Take action asap. Keep in touch.
I read what you all have to say, and I was really confused this morning. Is this feeling of danger danger in my head? Have I convinced you all I'm married to a raving lunatic because I tell a good story and I put a particular spin on events. He would say, I'm a good guy, I go to work, I bring in the money, I pay the bills. She makes me angry. She doesn't do the things she used to do for me, she treats me like a dog (actually our dog has the life of riley, so poor analogy, the dog glows with good health and the love of her family lol).
I used to cope with things by just fantasizing that I was married to a real nice guy, you know, dependable, loving, kind who remembers my birthday, who loves my son as much as I do. Now I'm dealing with reality and poof I can't even conjure up the fantasy for a moment. Around and around the problems go in my head.
Last night I decided to go to yoga but alas it's March break and the schedule had changed. So I went to the church, we have perpetual adoration, at our church, and had a one on one so to speak with my HP. I walked in and I felt the whole room tingle with a big hug. I sat down and I read about the trouble JOB went through. Basically he loses everything and his friends condemn him. You musta done something. Everybody gets what they deserve. And Job questions God, what have I done, I am blameless. God says hey who are you to question me, do you know where the four winds blow from, and so on with a long list of Godly miracles he's in charge of. He basically reminds Job he is Job and doesn't know squat and God has it all in hand and under control. Then God hands it all back to Job, his health, his wealth, his friends, his family, and then some, not just what was gone, but 10 times that, and good ol Job lives out the rest of his days in contentment and abundance and joy.
So I wanted to stay a good long time (and those of you with a theological bent, pls forgive my cole's notes version of Job's story and my interpretation), but I was worried about my son on his own with Dad and I walked in and Dad was in his office "working" on his computer and my son was playing xbox, not good, but not terrible. Then I saw your posts this morning and thought ok, yeah a ticking bomb or not? Anyway so I decided to explore talking to a lawyer and called up the eap program offered thru my AH work benefits, and guess what, not only can I access a lawyer (one consult anyway) but there is TONS of help available to me, parenting help, separation advice, emotional counselling, financial advice, career counselling (because if I go I need a job right) etc., and a number to call if I'm in crisis, 24 hours a day, plus an apology for the situation with the last counsellor who made me believe we were a hopeless case and time's up and no more sessions.
It looks like it was a good thing yoga was cancelled. It looks like my HP is sending tons of help. Thank you for your support, for the little push to think things through again and to keep searching for the best way to look after me and my beautiful boy.
A few tips to add to what has already been said, even if you never need it, it is good to have in place.
Establish a SAFE PERSON. Make up a code, that if you are in serious trouble, and in need of help immediately, you can call this person and tell them the code, and they call for help or come see what you need, ASAP. Make it something you might say occasionally, such as "I like the green sauce on the tacos". And carry on a conversation around tacos, on your side, and this person will KNOW you need help. They could say something like "do you need the police", and if you do, you would say "yes i like burritos too" (key word being yes).
Next tip. Start taking just a few things of clothes for you and your son, to your final destination, be it a family member or non-mutual friend. Do this in very small amounts, so it does not raise suspicion if clothes are coming up missing. Purchase some trial sizes of stuff, and send with them too, or have your destination person get some for you to keep in your "escape kit".
Next thing. You are typing this on here, and if it is a computer your husband has access to, erase this site in the history. If you know there is a keylogger on your computer, erase the entries, and do not bookmark the site. I was in very similar situation, but I had 4 kids. Someone printed (sadly it was the leader of the support group I was in online for abused women), everything i said in the support group for over a year, and everywhere else on the web she could find me. She was a stalker about this. But i went to great lengths to ever let my husband know i was in that group online, and she blew it for me, or tried to. Luckily for me, at the time i had a face to face domestic violence counselor, who actually went to court, and told them they could not make the contents of those pages known, or my life could be in danger if my husband knew how i talked about him. The owman was seen as having a grudge against me and had an axe to grind with me, and no one ever found out what was in that 4 and a half inch book of printed material (turns out she was a big liar and was actually connected to the fbi)
There are places called Safe Houses. They are run so the person you are running from, can not find you. And if they do, they will keep you safe. Very strict rules and procedures, but they are there to protect you. They can help you find transportation, a job, get schooling, help you make a life plan for yourself and your son. Good luck, ans stay safe. My prayers are with you.
I should say here that he had never hit her or been physically abusive prior to this day. Your description of your husband is how I would best describe him in the last year or two before he took my sisters life.