I'm gonna drop my sponsor... - Al-Anon Family Group

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm gonna drop my sponsor...

sunflower22 · Member

Hello,

I posted an earlier message ( http://alanon.activeboard.com/t53059024/should-i-keep-my-sponsor/ ) about my uncertanity regarding my sponsor and I's relationship. I believe it is just not working out. I am focused way too much on how she is being neglectful and weird towards me. I am not ready to have a sponsor I believe. Her behavior resembles my ex boyfriends way too much. I know that we Alanoners are not perfect and we all have our character defects, but this relationship is not promoting growth or recovery.

I texted her about 20 minutes ago saying I need to talk to her. She hasn't responded yet, but I know when I tell her I am dropping her as my sponsor she is gonna try and convince me not to. I am worried I will cave in. I know she will also get her other sponsees to talk to me to reconsider. I am just gonna stay with the fact that I am not ready for a sponsor. I won't tell her I am not ready for her as my sponsor and I want someone else, but will keep the issue about myself. Can someone give me some advice regarding this situation. I feel very confused and lost.

Thank you! Hugs

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Sunflower

From what you have posted in your other message, I agree with your decision.

I believe that a sponsor is not there to be my friend. She is someone, who I respect, who works the program, lives by the prinicples and is willing to share her RECOVERY with me.

In order to trust someone I had to believe that what I shared was never repeated. That it waa between myself and this one person that I had selected to guide me. Cross talking about my decisons at meetings is definaltely something that is unacceptabe.

Please review the booklet "Sponsorship what it is all about" That could help when you are again ready to seek a sponsor.

Keep coming back here You are not alone

sunflower22 · Member

Thanks for your response @hotrod. She does share her recovery with me, a little too much at times. She loves to talk about herself so much, that sometimes I barely get a word in. The cross talking at meetings was definitely inappropriate, but luckily she never used my name. I really feel in my heart that I don't want her as my sponsor. She was definitely helpful in getting me out of my relationship with my qualifier, but now I feel like the dynamic isn't working. She is no longer encouraging me in my recovery or checking in to see if I am ready to do my 4th step. I need someone who is a listener and not a gossiper. I really like my sponsor as a friend, but feel like this relationship has become unhealthy for me. I just set up a phone meeting with her after I get off work today. It sucks that I am going on this trip with her to Vancouver to the convention though. I don't know how this will affect my trip with her. I hope it doesn't spoil it. And I really hope she doesn't try and manipulate me back under her wing. Thanks for the response @hotrod!

Hugs!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Sunflower

Conventions are fantastic experiences . Meetings, fellowship, and connecting with new people will be a remarkable experience. A few members from this Board are also going so you may be able to connect.

Please come back and share how the call went

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I believe you are making the right choice. Sometimes what I say in touchy situations is "it is not working for me" and I give no other reasons. Take care and keep typing to us

BlueCloud · Senior Member

We have a slogan that I really like: JADE which stands for do not justify, argue, defend, or explain. I would encourage you to not explain or "get into" your reasons. I find that as soon as I give a "reason" the other person can counter the reason and try to argue with me or get me to explain myself, etc. It's OK to keep it simple. If you say, for instance, that you are not ready for a sponsor, then in puts you in the potential bind of not being able to ask someone else for fear that your current sponsor will get in the mix. Just a thought. Take what you like, leave the rest. BC

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh. And don't gossip about her! There is no need to ever mention her name to a soul.

John · ~*Service Worker*~

I sometimes wonder how we can stay in unhealthy, sick intimate relationships for year after year, but the first sign that a sponsor or someone else is not making the grade, we bail out. I think it would be wise to remember that there are no perfect people in the rooms, that everyone will have their shortcomings and defeats of character, and when we can work towards improving the basis of a relationship instead of simply bailing out of it, we have grown by leaps and bounds.

I think, (yes I do that from time to time) that after being a hostage in our family relationships and finally breaking free from that self imposed inprisonment after years, we tend to want to re experience that freedom again, and terminate relationships with people that had the potential to be some of our greatest.

I won't say yea or nah on to stay with current sponsor or let her go, but I will say that if finding the perfect person in the rooms is your goal, you stand to be disappointed many times. We are all just trying to do the best we can.

John

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

It was suggested to me that I would need a sponsor to guide me thru the steps, traditions, slogans...the program...one who had done it themselves and around the same time I was reminded that everyone in the program comes from the same broken place and work the program under the same expectation of progress not perfection...and this is how I did it. None of my sponsors were perfect and everyone was willing...and human. I've had sponsors who at times allowed me to sponsor them...suggest how to work the program from how I knew it. I've had sponsors who didn't work out for me and I am grateful that they said yes and gave their best and of course I am a sponsor also. I've been fired and accepted it. Acceptance is a recovery tool taught to me by my former sponsors and so recovery goes on one day at a time under the watchful eye of my HP and HP's will and directions.

A sponsor is suggested not required. Without someone without recovery experience to hold the lantern to the journey I would have to resort to self sponsoring which never ever worked out for me.

Talk to your HP about it and then listen. ((((hugs))))

sunflower22 · Member

Hello everyone!

Thanks for the responses! Well I ended it with my sponsor last night. It was so hard because I like her so much, but it just was not a good sponsor/sponsee relationship for me. I know I will never find anybody perfect. I think with my next sponsor I want to keep it just focused on alanon and the steps. With the sponsor I just dropped it became too friend like and I started looking at her as a good friend rather than a sponsor. It's hard to explain, but 8 months ago I just got out of 6 year long relationship that was abusive. I got cheated on numerous times and lied to over and over about his drug/alcohol use. So right now I am very sensitive at trusting other people, especially new people. I think I need to take it slow and when I feel ready get a sponsor.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Sunflower)))

Congrats on facing a difficult situation and placing your" principles above personalities" and taking care of you

I believe that the first sign of recovery that I expereinced is that I was no longer willing to accept destructive behavior.

I used my alanon tools to protect myself an it worked.

Please keep coming back You are not alone

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I think you should do what is right for you. Maybe you were not ready for a sponsor and I think you need some recovery time first. The slogans and daily readers are a gentle way to begin then familiarizing yourself with the steps. Then you may feel guided by your hp to get a sponsor. Just my opinion, I'm still not sure what a sponsor's role is but I'm not too worried because it will all come together in time. X

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.