The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first time on these boards. I have been in Alanon now for 90 days and have had a sponsor since day 1. She at first was very attentive towards me, very encouraging, helpful and motivating. She would say how I am so similar to her and almost like I was her favorite of all her sponsee's. We would work out together, go out to eat, etc.
Fast foward to about two weeks ago, she was trying to convince me to go to the Alanon conferance in Vancouver this July. I originally agreed to go and said I would use my tax return, but then realized how expensive it would be and came to the conclusion that I would rather spend $600 on something else.
Well, she at first said my decision is fine with her and she is glad I made that adult decision for myself. I was relieved she wasn't upset, but then the next night at a meeting she started talking about me at meeting level without using my name. She said, "when I first started recovery I would have said screw going to an alanon conferance, I can't afford that, I would rather spend that on furniture or clothes, but now I realize how important these events are to my recovery." She obviously was making this speech about me, but only I knew that. I was weirded out by the passivity of that.
The next day I get a call from her asking me what made me make the decision of backing out of Vancouver and she gave me this speech of why it will be so good for me to go. I thought about it and decided to go. I guess I am too easily convinced because now I regret that decision.
So since I made the decision to go, bought my plane ticket and admission to the conferance ticket, she has been VERY distant from me. I barely talk to her that much. I have called her to check in and ususally I get her voicemail. She will call me back, but by that point I am at work and can't answer. She left a message saying she didn't get to listen to my whole message because she is so busy. I realize that she must be super busy with work, but it's strange it went from super attentive sponsor, to barely there, barely know you sponsor.
This last Sunday I went with her and two of her other sponsee's to a meeting/pot luck. She purposely put her husband between us when we sat down at the dining function. I feel this vibe from her that she is thinking something about me, but won't say it. I spoke these feelings to her on her voicemail because she didn't answer and all she did was text me back and say how I am wrong in that thought, and that she is just busy with work. She said I am the "perfect little aloner" . I think that meant that I am a people pleaser.
This whole thing reminds me so much of my qualifier to the program, my ex boyfriend. He would be so sweet and attentive in the begining of our relationship and then after awhile become distant and aloof. I have lost trust in her now and actually backed out of doing my forth step with her because it's so much personal information.
For the past week I have been thinking about getting a different sponsor, but now I am stuck going to Vancouver with her since I already paid for my plane ticket. I don't know what to do! I like her, but I am weary of her. She also has a tendacy to gossip about other member's which weirds me out. Another weird fact is that her husband is my ex's sponsor in Narcotics Anonymous which might be a conflict of interest. Help!
It's good you brought this up to your sponsor. It's sad that her response seems unsupportive.
It is still not too late for you to back out of going to the convention if you really don't want to go. I'm not sure how plane fare works with cancellations, however, but I guess what I'm saying is that even if you spent the money, you still don't HAVE to go (or you can go to Vancouver and do something completely different than attend the convention if you so choose.)
Just like communicating with anyone else, you have the right to speak up for yourself - but just know that it might not change the other person and their behaviors. Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean. And remove any expectations whatsoever.
I'm not sure how much of what you've shared here that you shared with her - if you haven't then it might be worthwhile to do so in the interest of practicing recovery and practicing communicating for yourself.
Don't forget to pull this situation through your steps and slogans, as well to take a more distant look at the situation... "How important is it?" "QTIP - Quit Taking It Personal" (maybe she has some bad personal issues going on and its unfortunately leaking out in her interactions with you?)
DO remember, however, that all her reactions and behaviors are about herself, not you.
Dear Sunflower I am so sorry that you are experiencing this painful disconnect. I thought it would be helpful if I reposted a message on Sponsorship that was posted here before. After you read this It will become clear to you as to what your actions should be.
Good Luck
V
SPONSORSHIP -What It Is and What It Isn't
Four major points in sponsorship that most Twelve Step Fellowship members will agree on:
1.The primary responsibility of sponsors is to help their sponsees work the Twelve Steps.
2.A sponsor and sponsee have an obligation to discuss their mutual expectations, objectives, and requirements, if any, regarding the sponsorship relationship before they enter into that relationship.
3.A sponsor shares his or her experience, strength, and hope with his or her sponsee rather than trying to run the sponsee's life.
4.A sponsor must never take advantage of a sponsee in any way.
WHAT DOES A SPONSOR DO?
1.A sponsor's primary responsibility is to help a sponsee work the Twelve Steps by providing explanation, guidance, and encouragement.
2.A sponsor helps us get established quickly in our Fellowship by explaining basic concepts and terminology and by introducing us to other members.
3.A sponsor is a safe person who we can learn to trust.
4.A sponsor can answer the many questions that we have as newcomers or develop as "mid-timers."
5.A sponsor can help us in the process of self-examination that the Steps require.
6.A sponsor encourages us to read the basis text of our Fellowship and other program literature and to engage in Fellowship activities and service work.
7.A sponsor can monitor our progress, confront us when it is appropriate, and generally help us stay on the recovery path.
8.A sponsor reminds us to apply Twelve Step principles in our lives.
9.A sponsor models the Twelve Step program of recovery.
10. Our sponsor is available in times of crisis.
11. A sponsor provides practice in building relationships.
WHAT A SPONSOR DOES NOT DO
1.A sponsor cannot keep us in recovery.
2.A sponsor is not our therapist. The Twelve Steps are about spiritual growth, not therapy.
3.A sponsor should not attempt to control our lives or encourage an unhealthy dependence.
4.A sponsor should not take advantage of us or exploit us in any way.
FACTORS TO CONSIDER IN CHOOSING A SPONSOR
1.Has what we want.
2.Lives in the solution.
3.Walks the talk
4.Has a sponsor
5.Emphasizes the Steps
6.Has more time in recovery that we do
7.Has worked more Steps than we have
8.Is available for telephone calls and meetings
9.Emphasizes the spiritual aspect of the program
10. Gender is the same as ours
It is a privilege to sponsor someone. And it's one of the ways we stay in recovery.
Hi there, I'm new here, and I know next to nothing about what sponsors can do for you and not for you. I was actually a little surprised you are going out to eat and working out together etc. I thought sponsors are a resource for advice and sharing, but not necessarily a full-time friend. I too would be worried about the gossiping. Regardless of what she has done or not, if something's not working for you, it's ok to say no. It's always ok to say no. Of course you can find a new sponsor, or just call up different people and see who else is a good fit. Likewise, she is not stuck with you. If she thinks it's not working, she can back off a bit (as she seems to have) or out and out suggest you find someone else to help you. Are you stuck with going to Vancouver with her? Are you sharing a room? Maybe you could make a different arrangement? In any case, Vancouver is great, so I'm sure you will meet lots of people and get things in perspective. Hugs.
Maybe I'm not the one to best respond to this as I don't even have a sponsor and have only been to a couple of face to face meetings but seems like to me that if you are uncomfortable then you only have 2 options. Get a new sponsor or talk with the one you have openly about how you are feeling until you are comfortable with her again. You wouldn't need to make it personal but explain how you felt manipulated by her speech at the meeting etc. If she does gossip about other members with you then you can bet she will gossip about you as well though. Just my thoughts. Maybe others can give you a better more informed answer.
I think its important to remember that we are ALL Alanon members and therefore ALL damaged. We are ALL in recovery. None of us is going to be the perfect sponsor or sponsee.... Progress Not Perfection.
I recently met one of my sponsees at a convention. We arranged to meet up there. When we meet normally we are on our own and I can give 100% of my attention to her. At a convention we were surrounded by many other people, some I hadn't seen for a long time. When ever we spoke we got interrupted. I was also with my A husband.
We can't be all things to all people. My sponsees are very special to me, but they are not my best friends. In fact I don't think I could really sponsor a best friend. My sponsor is very special to me, but again I can't expect her to be there for me all the time. She works and has her own family.
I think what I'm saying is .... its not good to take someone elses inventory. In Alanon we look instead at what our own needs are and why we are reacting the way we do.
Obviously we never accept unacceptable behaviour.....but there are other emotions to take into account. Shortcomings that are looked at in step 4. abandonment, trust, co-dependancy are all part of that.
Your sponsor should be someone you trust .... but if you already have trust issues, that might be something you find difficult.
I didn't have a sponsor for the first few years of being in Alanon.... I had some recovery under my belt and felt ready.
Maybe the real question here is....are you ready?
What you do is your decision..... it's ok to take your time and not make any decision. When it feels natural and right Higher Power is speaking and we are leaving our own will behind.
Maybe you could use your time at this convention to take stock and really consider your options. xxx The Alanon program is not a race....theres no right or wrong way.......
This is a difficult situation, as a sponsor-sponsee relationship needs to have a foundation of trust and it does not feel to me as though this one, for now anyway, is based on trust. Your responsibility is to your recovery, and, if that means ending this relationship, then so be it. Having said that, I had posted a similar post here a few years ago or so (time eludes me). The responses to my post caused me to look in the mirror and examine my expectations and I opted to give her the space and grace she had provided me during my difficult spaces. I did fully trust her with ALL of my cooties and never ever felt diminished in any of our interactions together. She really is a class act.
I also want to validate your feelings and senses. Based on what you said here about her behavior, I would also question whether or not this is a healthy relationship. See it as a fabulous opportunity for growth and one to really know, for now, what you will and won't accept in any realtionship and to be OK with whatever. It is great that you posted your struggles..we don't grow if we don't struggle (and why the heck do what need to struggle to grow....geeezzz...my little self wants easy!) Keep coming back! hugs
Thank you all so much for your responses. I feel better in knowing that my perception isn't completly distorted. :) Thank you @hotrod for the guidlines of what a sponsor does and doesn't. It's so confusing what a sponsor is there for sometimes. I feel confused about a sponsor not being like a therapist. Why is it said in meetings then to call your sponsor when your having difficulties??
I think the reason my sponsor was so enthusiastic and attentive towards me when I first started is because she wanted to keep me away from my qualifier, my ex boyfriend. I kept messing up and contacting him, so she was taking it upon herself to keep me busy with her. So I felt really connected and like this will be a good friendship, but then all of a sudden she is very distant.
I keep analyzing the situation over and over to see where I might have gone wrong. I can't find anything. She no longer even asks if I am going to meetings or how my 4th step is. I canceled working on my 4th step Sunday with her and she since has not checked in to reschedule. I am really irritated by the manipulative nature she has.
Last weekend she and her other sponsee's and sponsors were going zip-lining, I couldn't afford to go since it costs $85.00 and I had just spent $600 on the convention she adamently persisted me going to. So the day before the zip-lining I invited her to go get a massage with me that costs $35.00, she declined and gave me props for taking care of myself. Well 5 days later at a meeting she starts telling me how is it that I can afford going to get a massage, but can't go zip-lining. And then talking about how it's easier to spend money on clothes and hair, but not recovery. She was sort of saying it in a joking nature, but I felt offended because I really couldn't afford it and I haven't purchased clothes or gotten my hair done in months. Plus she was talking about this in front of another alanon member. Ugh! After that meeting I cried for some reason, I felt hurt by her. We always used to go to that meeting together and instead she went with her other sponsee and didn't invite me along which she used to always do. I can't believe I cried though, I shouldn't cry about someone who is suppose to help me. I was also getting my time of the month, so that could also be the reason I was so emotional.
Maybe I am not ready for a sponsor, but I'm not sure if thats so true, I think I just don't want a sponsor who gossips about others and is rigid in how you do recovery. She always talks crap about other members not working the program properly. She thinks if your not going to three meetings a week, your basically wasting your time going to alanon. I don't believe that, the people who can only go once a week have kids they have to take care of. My sponsor has never had children so she can't relate.
Another issue that bothers me is that she loves to TALK, like she cannot stop talking. She dominates the conversation and I barely get a word in unless I interrupt her. I have been eyeing some other women as potential sponsors, ones who seem quieter and less judgemental, but I don't know how I can go about switching sponsors when I am going to Vancouver with my sponsor. And I know if I do try to drop her she will change her attitude all of a sudden and get her other sponsees to reconsider my choice. Feels cultish. Theres this local meeting where I live that I can't stand going to and have stopped going for weeks now. I told my sponsor how I felt about that meeting, she understood, but then gets her sponsee to start texting me about changing my mind and going with her that night. I know my sponsor had her do that because she has asked me to do things like that.
). The responses to my post caused me to look in the mirror and examine my expectations and I opted to give her the space and grace she had provided me during my difficult spaces. I did fully trust her with ALL of my cooties and never ever felt diminished in any of our interactions together. She really is a class act.
I don't believe that, the people who can only go once a week have kids they have to take care of. My sponsor has never had children so she can't relate. 
Theres this local meeting where I live that I can't stand going to and have stopped going for weeks now. I told my sponsor how I felt about that meeting, she understood, but then gets her sponsee to start texting me about changing my mind and going with her that night. I know my sponsor had her do that because she has asked me to do things like that.