What would you do for your kids if they saw someone die? - Al-Anon Family Group

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

What would you do for your kids if they saw someone die?

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

When my step daughter lived with my exAH and I, I found the best path of speaking about deeply personal stuff with her was to share from my viewpoint first. Like - "Wow... I'm not sure how I would have felt watching someone die right in front of me. Makes me grateful for my health. It's sad knowing someone can pass at any moment. How'd you feel when you saw that?"

I kind of liken it to sharing at an Al-Anon meeting. I keep the discussion to "me" and "I" statements instead of "you" or "we" statements. If that makes any sense.

I know that at that age, my step daughter was likely going to discuss a situation like that more openly with their peers than with me. And for me personally, there's nothing wrong with that - so long as they're talking about it instead of bottling it up.

But yeah, that's how I handled a lot of those types of conversations with my step daughter and she did seem to respond pretty positively to it for the most part. She would have really got mad at me if I put her in counseling over it.

dponlyme · Veteran Member

I agree, being forced to counseling is not a good idea. Unless he shows continuing s signs that it distressed him I would leave it alone if it were my son.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Aloha's words, also would add something to the effect of, "I sure hope dad is holding up..." I admire your AH for stepping in and trying, at least he gave the man a chance to recover - good thing he knows CPR. I would ask my kiddo if she wanted to talk about any of it, express MY feelings about the event, and tell her that if she feels the need to talk, just let me know. And then let go, be watchful, be available and see what happens.

tiredtonite · Member

That had to be pretty traumatic for both your son and your AH. At 14, you're son is likely know what he's feeling and what he needs. If he were still little he might not fully understand what had happened and need some professional help. Your his mom, you can talk it through with him and see how it goes. If he has ongoing nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety or fears related to what he saw like (deciding not to play tennis with dad because he believes the same thing will happen to him), you can always ask him again if he'd like to speak with a professional about it. Maybe checking in with him and some hugs and assurances from you will be all he needs :)

If there is an up side to all this, it may be that your son saw his alcoholic father help another person and your son helped too. There are better ways to bond of course but they deserve to be proud of themselves and each other. Hugs. TT

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I was 14 once and we did talk to each other...maybe not the way the girlies talked but in our own way (LOL). What I would do would be to help them underestand about helping someone in need and accepting that death is a life occasion. That's just for me because that is how my attitude has always been since I witnessed my father die in our home at the age of six. He had a fatal condition and so the expectation was that he would. I learned acceptance at a young age. (((hugs)))

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

From my experience, don't you bring it up. But go to lunch or whatever, just let him talk about anything. Keep going this, when and if he needs to vent it he will.

You could say, sure was great of dad to do what he did. If he wants to talk he will.

With kids and men...same thing haha, JUST KIDDING, ya just gotta mellow out and let them do what htey need to. Most men do not get how come we women thing we have to talk everything out. They are from mars you know.

hugs honey, very proud of hubby and son!! debilyn

imom · Senior Member

I recently took a class about talking to your your kids. I learned that if you try to talk to them directly they will generally shy away from an honest discussion. The experts said that the best way to talk to them is to be engaged in an activity they like with them and then casually begin the conversation during the activity. For instance, playing a video game together, shooting hoops, etc. I wish you all the best. We try so hard to shelter our kids from the horrible things in life, but we aren't always successful. I'm sure that this terrible tragedy will give your son strength in the long run. I wish you and your family all the best.

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