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I've been trying to straighten this all out in my head lately, as I come closer and closer to the end of my rope with my AH.
I do still struggle with accepting that his addiction/drinking is his business, although I've gotten much better at accepting that. But then we have the whole universe of "unacceptable behavior" that directly affects me and, in my opinion, is a result of his drinking. I'm not really looking for ESH on how to "explain" the difference to my AH...we all know that is a waste of breath and energy. But I find that the issue of unacceptable behavior pops into my mind during times of crisis. It is of course much easier for me to ignore/pretend that unacceptable behavior isn't a problem when things are fairly peaceful. But then all hell breaks loose, and I slip into panic mode about all the unacceptable behavior.
So...how do you all maintain a calm, rational attitude about unacceptable behavior? What sorts of boundaries/tools do you employ to detach from those kinds of things? In our house, the unacceptable behavior is largely emotional abuse directed to me, extreme nastiness directed at our dogs, a total lack of participation in housekeeping-type chores, and generally treating my daughters like second class citizens (while our son can absolutely do no wrong). No physical abuse, and he goes to work every day and contributes financially to the household, so those aren't particular issues in my house (not yet, anyway).
Honestly, one of the hardest things for me used to be turning things over to my HP in a time of crisis; I would allow a crisis to unhinge me so much that I couldn't even remember to pray. Now, though, when I feel overwhelmed about anything (regardless of whether it involves my AH), I breathe in deeply and pray "please God" then breathe out and pray "help me." I have found a tremendous amount of comfort in that. Now, though, I'm looking for other strategies, probably because as I march firmly toward divorce, I know that the crisis environment/drama will increase a lot before it gets better.
If it's unacceptable, do you need to accept it? It sounds as if there's a contradiction there. Can you get yourself out of the environment? And your dogs. I know the experts do say that as separation nears and the abuser becomes panicky about losing the other person (though notice -- not panicky enough to go into recovery! only panicky that their life of compliance with insane conditions is coming to its natural consequences) -- anyway, as the abuser becomes panicky, typically the abuse escalates. This suggests to me that you would be wise to remove yourself and your loved ones physically from being in the A's path. I don't know how easy that is in your circumstances, but protecting yourself is the most important thing. You shouldn't have to endure extreme behavior, and you don't have to. Hugs.
That is a good question Stephanie. I really like your 'please God' technique by the way and I think that anything that takes us to a calm place internally is good. I guess that in my life unacceptable behaviour has worked for my AH in that when I reacted to it he got attention and a sense of being in control, oh boy he could pull my strings! As I've been learning to look more closely at my own behaviour I have learnt to stop engaging. Initially I did this by just walking away or not responding but of course that still put in me a victim role. So now I'm working on calmly calling it as I see it but still keeping the focus on myself. This means that if AH says something that I don't like I say that I don't like it and just leave it at that. I think that it is helpful to have ones alternatives in place if possible. To know in your own mind where you can go, what resources you have and if you are going to leave your home for a while to have a few things to hand that you want to take with you. Protecting my self respect is my new benchmark for what I will or will not accept. If behaviour undermines me then I do something just for myself that counterbalances it. For example recently AH was very unpleasant so I'll be spending a few days with friends to restore my self worth. I find that the more I can keep the focus on myself (or on people that I get on well with) the less impact AH's tantrums have on me.
Oh. I can sooo relate. Im so prone to hitting panic mode it all.but kills me. I physically dont sleep well, I get an upset stomach and miigraines. I am an anxious person in general.i worry and worry and second guess and compare my marriage and life to everyone and everything. I try to accept I cant change it but in thst I choose live with it, then I need to keep working on finding ways to not spiral out of control. I, too like your pray and breathe technique although I have to adm, in times of emo abuse and stress I find myself saying, "God, where are you and why"... I will write again later. Im alone tonight with my daughter as my "functioni come ting"ah is out for the night, so I come to these boards....
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Once I worked on my self esteem and becoming more positive (not saying you arent positive or have self-esteem) I lost tolerance for anyone treating me poorly. Probably the pendulum has swung too far the other way and I will tell people I am not the one to mess with when I really should just walk away. In any case, it does seem to be an improvement because people generally do not tread on me. I don't put that vibe out there so much. I didn't know I was putting the vibe out there before but I guess I was.
It's been several years since I was in a relationship like you are describing. I'm sitting here remembering all of it and trying to understand how I was different and how I stayed in a relationship where I got called so many nasty names, my family got made fun of and attacked, and my self-esteem was diminished. Forget the drinking....Why stay with someone that calls your mom a bitch every time her name is brought up, that says you are lazy and so forth when you are the one bringing most the money home (and he was forging checks from my bank account too), and also telling me I couldn't make it on my own. Insanity. I was book smart and self/relationship dumb. My prior partners would consciously or unconsciously latch onto that and exploit it. I think me being the one with the degrees and the jobs also made them jealous and probably got more emotional abuse thrown my way but that's just speculation.
Through so many meetings, service, 12 step program work etc...I just incorperated new values and boundaries and not taking crap evolved. It's still a process and it's directly tied to me not playing victim and/or making myself into a victim. If I believe I am a victim, then I will accept poor treatment. People do not have the power to victimize me at work and in relationships like that any more. Not sure how it happened exactly, but I know it was through the 12 steps. All my previous partners took their crap out on me though and I accepted it as if I deserved it or couldn't do better either on my own or with someone else. Working the 12 steps thoroughly and living them frees us from the bondage of self. This is why we are all striving for the same result (serenity and peace of mind) regardless of what 12 step program we came into.
I guess my main point for anyone that has read this far is that once I really, really worked the 12 steps (yes it was AA - but I'm pretty sure alanon can and does work the same way) everything just naturally evolved and I slowly changed. I tried to get into relationships again with emotionally unavailable and/or emotionally abusive people and they ended quicker, my HP took over...I suddenly realized much quicker that these things were not for me. That is what the 12 steps and alanon can do if you really work it and keep coming back. Not just give you tools to deal with situations and behaviors but it can truly change you from the inside out and help you be a different person without the same problems.
For me, not accepting unacceptable behavior took many different forms depending on the circumstances and how capable I was feeling.
With my exAH, when he became verbally abusive I would either a: remove myself from the room, or b: tell him I feel hurt by his behavior (which on some rare occasions, a lightbulb would go off in the A's head and he'd back off). But more times than not, it was to remove myself from the situation.
Other unacceptable behavior for me was my exAH cheating, and eventually my final path in not accepting that behavior was divorce because it was really crystal clear to me that he was absolutely NOT going to stop doing that and I knew I didn't want to be in a relationship like that.
Thanks everyone; i really appreciate all your feedback. My go-to coping mechanism for over a year has been to remove myself from the situation, too. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it escalates things (which, of course, is "my fault" because I know how much my AH hates it when I "walk away" from him...UGH!!).
I have changed so much over the past 2.5 years, definitely for the better. I am a work in progress, of course, but I feel so much better about myself and my choices now than I did 2 years ago, or even 1 year ago.
If I dig really deep, I think a lot of this is triggered by the fact that I have started a great new job. My job has done so much for my sense of self, AND my AH is tremendously threatened by the whole thing (as he should be, I suppose; it is a million times more likely that I will leave him now that I am working a permanent, full time job with fantastic benefits). For the first few weeks of my new job, he was a total nightmare. For the past couple of weeks, he has been nicer than he's been in MONTHS. Of course, I know better than to become complacent. It is only a matter of time before he starts acting like an ass again. I feel like I want to have this arsenal of weapons to use against his behavior, but I also know that's not possible. What I really must do is continue to work on detaching.
