The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I want to post about three things, but I dont want to post three times my creative side wants to tie them in together lets see if I can manage it eh?
#1 I love second hand stores and when I get a few minutes/half a morning, I go to town for just that, to browse through my favorites before getting groceries, lunch and going home. Today found me doing just that and at one, an elderly volunteer called me over, gushing about a find she insisted it was old and worth a lot even though it was marked at 99 cents, I HAD to buy it, she insisted; I didnt have any cash, I countered (I have money, just didnt have cash). She pulled out her little wallet and gave me a dollar so I could buy the vase; she lives with her daughter and has been forbidden to bring home any more treasures because there just isnt any room with all her belongings (from a three bedroom house), her son-in-laws parents belongings and their stuff. I didnt want to take her money but I became aware that I just wasnt going to get out of it without hurting her feelings so I let her buy me a vase I didnt really want. Maybe Ill write this up and print it in fancy script on unique paper, roll the story up and cork it into the bottle - might make a grandkid say awwwwww.
#2 Sunday was the last day for a car show in the BIG city. Always on the lookout for something different to do, I printed the directions and daughter and I headed out the door - leaving the directions on the table not discovering the mistake until we were too far away to turn back I (ha) thought I sorta knew where we were to go so I directed the car down the wrong freeway exit and wound up going out of state before we could turn around and go back. And we LAUGHED all the way across the bridge and back! Laughing because we could, laughing because no one was mad and yelling that wed made a mistake; laughing because we understood it wasnt the end of our day, the end of the world, laughing because it felt so good to be able to laugh because, ya know, it WAS funny. We proceeded to the show, enjoyed viewing all the cars and finally decided we were done and headed to the car. Somebody left the lights on, um, well, that sorta put a stop to our day, right? Nah, I whipped out my phone and called Triple A, got help coming help that really liked to chat and I kept thinking while he chatted do you have to stop working to chat? but he was enjoyable and eventually we got the car running and were back on the road. Decided lunch (lunner? What do you call lunch and dinner combined?) would be more expensive than Id planned because she had a headache and we needed something comforting and well, because I am the one working for my money and I can spend it how I want, right? And the longer drive would be good for the car (justifying is an important skill in life!). We had a fine meal, shopped at a few places and headed home she plugged her ipod into her head and zoned out; I settled into the seat and just drove enjoying the peace and quiet the thought of getting home to peace and quiet.
#3 as part of a post yesterday I said that I came to this board every day. That thought has been on my mind today and Im trying to figure out why. Sounds kind of pathetic I come to a web forum every day? Dont I have a life? Why the heck do I need to come to this board every day? Havent I gotten over it all yet? I mean, the ex-AH isnt around anymore, I live able to embrace peace on a daily basis, whyever do I need to come here every day? I come here because I realize that this board is an important part of MY recovery. I come here to remember what brought me here in the first place. I read posts that echo my life and experiences. Reading posts reminds me of where I was and dont ever want to be again and how lucky I am to have found my way to serenity. I know how long it takes me to compose a response to a post and I cant help but feel that when someone takes the time to respond to mine, they are gifting me with something special, their time, their energy giving me their thoughts from their perspective.
How do these three things tie together? My daughter and I have touched on it, the concept seems bizarre on the outside looking in, but it feels right. They tie together because before the implosion of my life via marriage to an alcoholic; before the chaos, mind-boggling, word-twisting fights, before being screamed at while he zig-zagged angrily through traffic in MY car and before sitting here every evening wondering if we could make it to bed without angry words before all this happened, I had the same life but I didnt appreciate it.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I can definitely relate. I have been lonely sometimes since I separated from my husband. But I do find myself going out more and actually.enjoying myself now that I don't have to worry about his behavior and those awful car rides home where he would always be angry and yelling about how everyone else on the road was driving. It is such a relief just to be able to go out and have fun and not worry about him. It makes me realize how much I've missed out on both the big and small joys in life in the past 10 years. While it still makes me angry to think back on all the times he took out his anger and self hatred on me it also makes me feel sorry for him. How sad to be so miserable and angry at the world all the time and to never be able to relax and have fun.
I love your post and how eloquently and succintly you tied it altogether. I, too, come to this forum almost daily for the very same reasons. ...and posts such as yours breathe lightness and joy into lives filled with angst and yuck. Most of my days, now, mirror yours, but there are still some that are dark. What a wonderful time together with your daughter!
What a lovely post. Your recovery looks so good. I too appreciate living life on life's terms. This post helps me see how my life was and how I have made progress. I use this forum to vent, to confess, to offer hope if I can and I learn too that I'm human and can get it wrong. It's a tool in your recovery and this also feels like friendship too. X
Thank you for your Thoughts and feelings... It gives me hope I will be there someday. I see what recovery does and I want some. I want to appreciate what I have and be able to have peace again.
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I can identify with your post too. I come here to feel connected to others because if I spend too much time analyzing myself - it turns obsessive, sick, and neurotic. Of course I also do need to focus on myself at times and this board is helpful even more than AA in terms of helping me know when I really do need to turn the focus back on me.
My life was so dramatic and catastrophe filled before due to my own alcoholism and the relationship I had with another alcoholic. I can identify in looking back and thinking "OMG! That was my life!??" Coming home and having a screaming drunk fight while out power and water was off due to him mismanaging our funds (and also me letting him do it) and having to have my partner committed for trying to kill himself on pills and all that other mess of intoxicated BS that I thought life was about at that time...It's not like that now and I'm so grateful. Even as I'm sitting here peacefully in my current house with 2 chirping parrots, 3 dogs, and 1 cat and a partner that treats me with respect and kindness - I truly thank God but I also know it was work to get to this point and I haven't "arrived" persay either. Life is good now though and I don't suffer like I used to. My life used to be all about suffering. I never want to go back to that and you folks do help me stay grateful and move forward as I need to.
That was a great post. I too have peace and serenity in my life. I have also questioned myself as to why I continue to come here.... I come here so I don't forget; how bad it was and how much more I appreciate EVERY day I am given. I also come here... so if can some how help someone in some small way, I will try. I enjoyed your post very much.
