The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel like I am in a new stage of grief. I kind of think its a new phase of acceptance. This process sure has been a whirlwind ride of emotions. Most of the time I am doing pretty good and most days I am enjoying my life. I am lonely at times, miss having a partner in my life, someone to hang out with, share secrets and laughter, but know that for the most part, I miss the idea of it since in reality, my husband was not a living active member of our family who actually did the things I miss a man doing in my life. I watched a show this weekend about a spouse dying. I cried like a baby. I loved my husband so very very much and yet this is how things ended up. So, I laid here and thought to myself of how I felt like my marriage was like a death and I have been mourning for a while now. My heart hurts today. Guess I need to stay away from shows that make me think of lovey dovey happy relationships where folks actually care about each other. Ugh!!
I unpacked a few more boxes this weekend. Have been avoiding a few of them that contained a whole lot of unknown paperwork that I threw together when moving out of the house. 4 boxes of papers that I found that he had been hiding from me. Lots of history on the unpaid bills and other things I was not aware of found in those boxes. I was glad to see that most of it I had already taken care of shortly after the move and had already figured out. I was able to shred a lot of stuff but it did not stop the pain in my heart. It was like another chapter of acceptance, another nail in the coffin. I found out some more things I did not know about, like credit cards that were cancelled for not being paid and accounts that were closed for failure to pay. He did so much damage and yet he still seems to think that it is all my fault. Funny how that could be when those are in his name only because they are travel accounts for his work. Oh when we practice to deceive.
I promise, I will get of my pitty pot in the am. Its like I just need a good hard cry to get it out of my system again and I will be good for a good long while again. I have made it 3 weeks now I think without a melt down. Unpacking stuff this weekend, not having someone that I can connect with and dealing with some medical issues, I have just been feeling a bit lonely right now and I just wish there was a way to find a closure, attend a funeral figuratively and be able to go through some sort of healing process. Mayve the divorce finalizing will give me that.
((((cinders)))) As one who has walked your walk, remember: "This too shall pass." It does get better. Sending you lots of support as you go through this challenging time in your life. I also like the saying, "When you're going through Hell, just keep going!"
Those cootie bugs get us at nighttime, huh? I remember when I separated from my husband, I began to cry in the parking lot of the grocery store, as it was something we enjoyed doing together. My son called me and was completely taken aback at my crying ( I was a stoic little person). You will get through and continue the crying, it purges us of the "uglies". Remember HALT and take care of you. Hugs
I haven't been there.....yet...but I know that we must mourn any loss and that includes marriages. Hang in there, cry when you need to, find a friend you can vent to, and you will see a light at the end of the tunnel. Big hugs to you today!!
It gets better, it ebbs and flows. There are days I feel on top of the world and then sometimes I don't so much the good thing is just as everyone has shared this too shall pass it takes time. It is absolutely ok to be where you are at, much better to feel than stuff feelings. Keep coming back it really gets better.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Just as your relationship deteriorated, little by little, your life will imrove little by little. I too have been where you are and although there is not really relief in knowing that someone has been where you are, hopefully the knowledge that we have walked through the storm and not only survived, but prevailed will give you some comfort. I wish you well.....you will be just fine....time does heal...
I have been down the road you are now on, and yes it hurts, and yes there is grief. I just let the tears flow when they came, and simply told myself they were the rinse water from a heart getting washed. It's darn clean today! Just stay close and keep sharing.. it helps when what we really want to do is isolate, which only furthers our sense of loneliness.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
. Hugs