The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This was believe it or not the first book. I read them all, am doing the workbook, and after his mini stint in AA, went back to Volume 1 and realized I still belonged there!! lol. dealing with "behaviors and guilt." You make a very good point and I also went through that aha moment, it is not what we say it is what we DO. Lately, I have been doing things. And that has been the difference in me feeling better and him getting the freakin picture that I am not going to be treated like crap. I will say he was quite the gentleman this weekend, spending all the time in the world with me doing extremely fun and relaxing things not centered around booze. It was fun , LOL!
If we DO what is right for us, take care of how we look and feel, spend time with friends, that shows them too that we have our life and like Toby says and this is all I tell myself, "if its good for me its good for my A." That does work. My gut told me to cancel that appointment, it was me "doing something" and not saying, " I wish you came home last night to my place. I want you fully in my life and this hurt me bla bla bla... " ( i become the stupid victim, that becomes the carpet, that cares too much. ) Today was very scary for me as he does bully me into second guessing those types of actions. I had pangs of anxiety and freaking out in my head but i talked myself through it. Whenever I do something from the program that shows my strength, I know its from the program because I feel a bit scared and want to revert back to comforting him. Thats my trigger now to let me know I am making progress and to control my reactions to his prodding. I dont react, I keep reading a book or some paragraph that pertains to what I am going through and I don't call him. I typed that and put it in my purse today!! actions. not words. all I kept saying.
He kept the appointment for himself and is going tomorrow alone. I am going out with friends tonight. I don't feel strong, more sad, but am hoping that part will catch up in due time. I agree she should read the book, it may help her immensely. Toby writes well. nice to read your post :)
big hug and good luck
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Monday 18th of March 2013 07:45:40 PM
__________________
Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
Tonight my al-anon group discussed rigorous honesty. With ourselves. I really have to say that in relating to this disease, my rigorous honesty lately has been with myself over the last month accepting that my boyfriend is not changing or working on sobriety. At all. All I can do is change myself. As hard as it has been, I finally told him I cannot spend time around him when he is drinking, (after his two week stint going to AA. what baloney that ended up being. didn't last). It is difficult to say something like this being at this age, dating for a couple years, and wanting to take this to the next level. Now, I can't even be around him socially basically since he spends 50% of his time drinking. however, If i am to be rigorously honest with myself, this fear of just drawing the line and moving on slowly and rebuilding my own life back to order, has been something I was putting off for a long time. B/c it doesn't let me execute those anxious, needy, and "probing" phone calls to him where I know everything he is doing, want to control everything, and want to build my own plan and hope that things are getting better b/c I am " manning the station. " ( my own baloney).
Ugh. I'm down, I'm sad. I MISS HIM. But then I get so angry when I realize how he refuses to face this disaster and will just keep me here forever if I let him. He told our couples therapist he thinks he is " losing me " and cried that he is afraid he already did too much damage and barely hears from me. I was sitting there. blank. So I spent the weekend with him, gave him what he wanted, that nice intimate lovers holiday weekend, he didnt drink or hangout with his friends, ( and neither did I. big mistake). Sunday night he went out to drink and told me b/c of our arrangement obviously I won't see him for the rest of the night but " maybe tomorrow."
I just cancelled our couples session tomorrow, he can go ALONE. I didn't hear from him at all last night but of course when I cancelled I got a text saying, " You dont want to see the Dr tomorrow? I went out for dinner, to play pool and have a couple beers and you cancel because of that?
I have nothing new to say and in being :rigorously Honest: with myself, I realize that I shouldn't feel guilty or let him make me ( which he is_ ) for cancelling it. He knows exactly why I cancelled it. Because I don't care. And that obviously seems to bother him. I am done caring about his drinking, and I deserve someone who after a wonderful loving weekend can go out with a buddy and come home to me! not to his studio apartment where he hides with his alcoholism. I'm ready to have a partner "fully" in my life, not on these guidelines we had to put in place b/c he is such a drunk. I felt lonely, and extremely resentful last night.
i dont know why i wrote this post. I just feel so sad today and probably gave way to much emotionally to that fun weekend we had so i feel the after effects of being ditched for the bottle finally sunday night. I actually typed this from Toby's book and read it sixteen times today :
"Paradoxically, when you truly stop expecting them to get sober, and start believing in the reality of his illness, start losing your personal anger towards him, get a distance on it all, and plan your own life for you-- then, your whole behavior, your atitude, your voice, your actions towards your spouse- all will change. He will see, without you having to say it, that the problem is his- not yours. It won't even be anything you will have to discuss. Both of you will know it- even though he may deny it. You'll have found your serentiy; and he will have a chance to choose recovery."
__________________
Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
I'm not sure which volume you are reading of Toby R.D.'s books however I'm in the 2nd vol and I swear it just spoke to me on levels that boggle the mind. I think I get how sick he is and how I deserve better and somehow I allow myself to get sucked in and buy into it's all going to be different.
She says the A will watch what you do and not pay attention to what you say .. I on the other hand will listen to what he says and not watch what he does. It was the biggest AHA moment I have had for a LONG time and that's saying something .. lol .. I've slipped and slid down the rabbit hole and come out the other side and guess what!? I'm ok. I didn't fall apart or fall off the ends of the earth. I have to stay in the present and not pretend what I want things to be or wish them to be .. what is .. that is where I need to be and unless I'm there I'm not being honest with myself about what's going on.
Keep coming back and keep working your program it makes such a great difference!! Something else I had to think about is how do I take care of myself. Because if it's good for me, it's good for my kids and then it's good for the A. He may not like that things are different however he will adjust one way or another.
I'm def getting the 3rd one and I would like my daughter to read them as well. She's had such conflicting feelings about her dad lately. I think it would help her in the long run at least take away something in terms of helping her set her own boundaries without being angry about it.
Anyway, .. hugs and what a great topic!!
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
"Paradoxically, when you truly stop expecting them to get sober, and start believing in the reality of his illness, start losing your personal anger towards him, get a distance on it all, and plan your own life for you-- then, your whole behavior, your atitude, your voice, your actions towards your spouse- all will change. He will see, without you having to say it, that the problem is his- not yours. It won't even be anything you will have to discuss. Both of you will know it- even though he may deny it. You'll have found your serentiy; and he will have a chance to choose recovery."
That may seem like a paradox and then for me it is the consequence of working the program...walking it and not talking it as was also mentioned. This is a do program and when you do the right thing with the right consequence intended you get that right consequence. You really cannot buy bread in the hardware store. Go figure. Rigorous Honesty should be a rigorous practice. Thanks for the ESH. ((((HUGS))))
