The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
AW has been on the wagon for a couple weeks now and we are having terrible fights. She says I am treating her like she is stupid but my intention is just to let her know that I disagree with her. She seems so hypersensitive to me. I for my part get upset because she gets upset with me when I feel I have done nothing wrong but to simply disagree with her opinion off how to do something.. (ie measure the kitchen floor, how to put a shelf together) . This has really gotten me in a funk. With her not drinking it has gotten my hopes up and I know that they shouldn't be and then when we fight I am just waiting for her to drink. I need to keep the focus on myself and HP but it is very hard.
Do you remember what the fellowship of MIP has suggested for you (not her). How are you doing with those suggestions? Question? Why can't you leave her alone? Could it be that you're using your addiction? That's what I learned after I was asked these same questions. From the daily reader "ODAAT" "I say that I would do anything for the alcoholic to help her get sober ... except get off of her back". That's a paraphase and it's in the daily reader and it helped me to get all 200 pounds and more pressure off of the woman I said I wanted sober. I knew nothing about alcoholism the disease. In support. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
It is not me who is on anybody's back. I'm the one doing everything and doing it wrong in her eyes. I am sick and tired of always being framed as the bad guy. If she wanted to measure the floor or put the shelf together she could have done that without my input. It doesn't matter what i do or say it is wrong, somehow insulting, or just plain inconveniences her. Not one word of thanks ever comes from her mouth, only complaints and requests for me to do more which then my efforts receive more criticism. No one can ever disagree with her or it is the same as calling her stupid. She then likes to rewrite history and makes as if i got mad at her first when it was the other way. She wants to continue fighting and tries her best to push my buttons. I refuse to respond anymore.
I'm such a terrible person... maybe I should just put an end to myself then I'll really be off her back forever and whatever needs to be done.. she can do it her way.
That last post puts her and you against you. Here's a resonse you can borrow that worked for me "Sorry I've got other things I've planned on doing. You can call a handyman or such to give you a hand". dponlyme...there is noexcuse to accept abuse from anyone...including an alcoholic whatever their connection. When I finally got that I stopped putting myself in the way of abuse. My alcoholic/addict stopped almost at the same time and maybe a couple of days later. Stop participating in your own abuse. I'm in support. (((hugs)))
Have you read the book getting them sober vol 2? It's a good book in dealing with a newly sober person. It gives tools on self esteem and different things that we need. Hugs p :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I believe we all have the voices of a saboteur, victim, child and victim within us, and, when we are in survival mode, they speak to us. Who is talking to you now and why? Ask your HP (and sponsor if you have one) those questions and use the tools of al anon to transform, not survive (or die). When I had my pity parties with my 4 voices, I disgusted myself and was really looking to control my AH. Admitting that to me and my husband was oh so uncomfortable. Keep coming back! hugs
An alcoholic with just a couple weeks sober is very sick. Nobody is saying you are a bad person (except maybe her while in the throws of her addiction and struggles to get sober). Anyhow, the best you can do is disengage frequently when she's irrational and attacking you. QTIP is useful because it sounds like you have so much of yourself and your esteem wrapped up in her that when she's acting up or not doing well, that automatically means you should also be messed up. It's hard to put into practice, but limiting your interactions as soon as they turn negative is best. Just walk away. Say "I love you but I'm not arguing" and then stick to it. She will chase after you at first and say things like "What!? You are not arguing after you did blah blah blah." It will take repeated turns at just disengaging and leaving her to manage her own rage, anger, conflicted emotions without projecting them at you. To ever think about killing yourself over her? Putting an end to the relationship would be a better option when all else fails. It's a marriage and not a death sentence. Don't make it into either/or.
Leaving her alone doesn't mean you are picking fights or on her back necessarily - It means"Why bother arguing with a sick person?" Even recently I've caught myself arguing with folks that were not playing with a full deck and the result is never good. So....you are not alone. It takes skill and practice to detach and walk away from fights and to also not allow someone else's struggles, plight, difficulties, failures to be our own. You will never be the reason for her to relapse or to stay sober. Only her program and her HP (or lack there of) has that power to influence her recovery. You are not her HP and once you really let go of believing you influence her to drink like that, you will be much more free in your own daily life. Life doesn't stop being life just because she's finally on the wagon. You don't have to walk on eggshells, but it might help to walk around the eggs alltogether at times. Make sense?
If nothing else from this post, just remember that you are valued, cared about, loved and not alone. It's hard when the person you love the most is one of the least capable of giving you back healthy and supportive love. BUT - just because she's sick and struggling and can't give you the healthy love you want...this doesn't mean not to love yourself and hold your head up high every day. If you really want her to be a healthy person with dignity, healthy boundaries, and self respect, the best thing you can do is participate in alanon and work on becoming that person yourself.
Bless your heart! It isn't about you at all. None of it. She is miserable and her disease wants to pick fights. I wish I had one of those measurers of kitchens and putters up of shelves around here. My daughter sent me a cartoon this morning. It said, "If a man says he will fix something, he will fix it--there is no need to remind him every six months." That was funny to her and to me and I was thinking of a girlfriend to send it to, but happily for them, most of them married men like you--who take care of what needs to be done. It is so hard when the abusive drunk becomes sober and continues to be abusive. You have gotten such good advise. Take your precious self out of there when she even acts or looks like she is going to try to engage you. After getting used to protecting yourself, you can begin to learn to not be present for a fight in the same room. But for starters, being out of earshot and sightlines can be a first step to taking care of you. Maybe go to the hardware store. We say you can't find bread there (to remind us that we can't get emotional needs met by an unrecovered alcoholic), but I think it is therapeutic to go and look at all the wonderful stuff. Tools for days, lighting to make the head swim, 50 different kinds of lavatory handle thingies--it's like a sanctuary for those with the nesting impulse. Being out in nature can be a solace. Maybe spring is beginning to show up where you live, and there are sights and sounds to catalog and to soothe your soul. Keep coming. Keep posting. We care. You matter. Take care of you. You are so worth it. Temple
__________________
It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
When I first came across Alanon I met a very kind man whose wife had been successfully sober for several years and he told me that the toughest point by far was when she first stopped drinking - that was when their relationship came closest to finishing.
My husband has spent the last year not drinking with a few slip ups along the way and I am so very very grateful to that kind Alanon man because it has also been the toughest of times for me. I don't think I've ever felt so angry in all my life and his words have helped me to stay true to what I really want
I think that part of the reason it is difficult is that there are some huge changes going on for both of us. For example:
My feelings are returning - so I'm much more sensitive to how upset I get by some of the things AH says. That is great because if I feel anger then surely it means that I'll be laughing soon as well. Like you, this is the time I've been looking forward to more than anything for the past ten years and so it really gets my back up when AH tries it on. I had thought I might be thanked, or even adored, for sticking by AH all these years. It is a bit of let down to realise that those sentiments might take a bit longer to show than I expected. AH has been fairly out of it from mid-day to bedtime for at least five years so I have been used to scheduling quiet time for myself in the afternoon, I've actually had a lot a freedom because of his disease. So now he has opinions about things that I've just been getting on with and then he keeps getting under my feet and disturbing my schedule. Aragh, that drives me crazy I am now much more aware of the importance protecting my own self esteem so I put up with less agro. That has been a bit of a bumpy surprise for AH.
Those are just some of the issues we are dealing with, if you add AH's alcoholic voice trying to pick a fight as an excuse to drink or the remorse that he feels for some of the stupid things he has done then it is not surprising that we rock the boat more than usual. We both need our space in these very early days. It is also not surprising that, like you, I am on guard, waiting for the drinking to return. I try not to give those feelings too much of my time, it is basically out of my control and I'll deal with it if it happens. I try not to feel bad about feeling cautious - after all where would evolution be without some degree of awareness about the dangers of life?
I have found it quite useful to read posts by alcoholics in the early stages of recovery - it helps me to understand what my spouse might be going through.
The most important thing for me i to be gentle with myself and I do hope that you can take the pride that you deserve in having coped with a huge amount so well. You probably deserve a treat a day.
PS Sometimes when AH is misbehaving I ask him if he wants a hug. He always says yes!
thank you all so much for your wise and caring responses. Aw and I are still at odds but after sleeping and having some time to think and pray I think I have found my center again. going to counseling today and then to have a good workout. I will then come home and apologize to her for my part in our most recent fight. It does take two people and i certainly participated. I will try to be on my guard and try to avoid becoming offended. try to stay focused on myself and HP. thanks to everyone again!
