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Hi I'm new to the board and I originally posted this in response to another post, but I'm reposting because I think I should have started a new thread. Much of what I've read here really resonates with me. I too have had my spouse email back a friend and insult them. I too am blamed for everything that goes wrong, from his job losses, to his angry outbursts, to his chronic unhappiness.
My spouse says he is not an alcoholic. He says because my Dad was an alcoholic (died in 2005, heart gave out while on a drinking binge) that I think everyone is an alcoholic. He said this after consuming 3/4 a bottle of vodka. It is true that he doesn't drink all the time, that he goes to work, that he doesn't go out and buy alcohol most times. But when he does drink, he seems to just keep going until there is nothing left in the house. He doesn't have two or three and then just stop and smile and say hey that was a great evening. We have a locking wine fridge so I tried to put the remainders away after a party and everyone had gone home and he just screamed and screamed at me. The party is over I said, you've had enough so he called me names and told me to FO and then went to bed. The next day he had no memory of the evening's events. The next week I thought ok I'm going to stop locking the fridge because this is crazy and he was driving me nuts, open it open it, it's my beer that I got for my birthday. In a week he finished everything, hard liquor, wine, beer. I watched the empties pile up.
We were attending marriage counselling but the counsellor couldn't help, said our coverage was up and we needed months and months of therapy. I started going to alanon and my spouse said you can't do that, I'm not an alcoholic. I went anyway, and now he is not buying alcohol, PROVING he is not an alcoholic. But he's got all these other crazy crazy behaviors.
He sits in front of his computer because he always has to work. He comes home at 7:30 pm (commutes into the city by public transit) and then eats dinner, then shuts himself off in his office and stares at his computer. Sometimes he comes out for an hour to watch tv (never seeing a program all the way through because he falls asleep), then loads up on coffee at 11 pm and works till 2 or 3, every night, all weekend, all the time. He doesn't participate at all in family life or any of the tasks involved in maintaining our home or keeping our household going. Right now I am saddled with the taxes and gathering all the info for the accountant and he refuses to look at it because he is mad at me. They are his taxes! If I handhold and wake him and coax him, he will do family activities but if it is before noon he grumbles grumbles so much that I can't stand to have him in the car. He often acts crazy, saying he doesn't want a coffee from the concession at the hockey game, then when I come back with my coffee he looks at me with murder in his eyes he is so mad.
I can no longer go out to a book club or yoga in the evening because my son, 10, doesn't want to be alone with him. My son says Dad is angry all the time and yells at him or pushes him. I see them getting along in front of me and go out and when bedtime comes all hell breaks loose, so now I don't go out, ever. My husband says it is all my fault because I've turned him against him. He says I'm a parasite because when we moved her a year and a half ago I gave up my home business and now I am at home looking after my son. I've been married 14 years and he no longer buys me a birthday present because he is always too busy and he hates Christmas. He won't go to church anymore because he says I've ruined it because I go and I'm a hypocrite. I treat him like a dog at home and then go to church.
Everyday I think about how I would like my own place but my son cries when I say we could move. And I would have to take the money for the place out of long terms savings because my husband took a job that pays less last year and money is very tight. To make him happy at his job, we moved 3000 km away from family to one of the most expensive areas for housing. We got here, he worked another few months at that job and then started searching for a new job because everyone was a jerk at that job and he thought any minute they were going to lay him off. Now he's worked nine mths at a new job here which was supposed to be the be all and end all, and he is constantly job hunting again. Many of the jobs he's interviewing for are out of the country so I am not sure if I can count on any kind of support. Everytime he is unhappy his solution is always to move and change jobs. We are always in a job crisis of some kind because he can't seem to get on with people at work.
I am very alone because any time I make a friend he seems to find a way to push them away. We have some nice people at our church and social activities but he doesn't want to have anything to do with those people. The only people he enjoys being with are those that like to sit and drink. My son wants to stay here and just wait for his Dad to get better. But his Dad won't see a therapist or attend counselling of any kind. He says the problem is me. I told him yes, it's true, I am crazy, why don't you go with me to a therapist and make sure I get help. He just looks at me suspiciously.
I feel I am living with a dead body that walks around and eats and sleeps but there is no soul inside. He says it is because I'm hateful and he is just reacting to me. St. Paddy's Day today and he is at a bar. It is March break for my son and I am thinking of getting away for a few days taking him to a nearby city and visiting museums and things. We just got back from lunch out at a family restaurant. I am really trying to do nice things for me and I say prayers daily but I get so down sometimes, I can't even describe it. I am so far away from my friends and family. We have two alanon meetings in the area and I just love the people but sometimes it seems my problems are too big. Many people in the meeting are dealing with an A that does not live with them, and that they don't depend on financially. Many of them do not have children, and it's a whole different ball game when you have a child. You can't just GO in the middle of the night to a hotel. You can't just leave the house and look after yourself. Your child has school, sports, things going on, so you have to find a way to hold it all together.
Anyway I have already had one helpful response, so you all have my gratitude. I am glad you're all here. I will include you all in my prayers. Any advice gratefully received. Peace.
Is there a chance you can get to an Al Anon meeting while your son is at school? I don't know your work situation but I know we have day meetings here and that might help with that part of the problem. It's very important that you take care of YOU and your son. Have you thought about counseling for him, etc? I completely understand your predicament but I think you may want to come up with a plan. I started talking to my church group and good friends and found folks who would be willing to put a roof over my head for a few nights if necessary.
You know, therapy really isn't going to do much good unless they are working a program of recovery. If they are active in their alcoholism, it's going to be futile anyway. My AH lies to our marriage therapist and he goes to his own therapist. Who knows what kind of lies he's telling that guy? So, just because they agree to counseling doesn't mean that they will quit drinking or get mentally healthy, etc. They have to want it for themselves, quite frankly, and it sounds like your AH just isn't there yet.
One thing that has helped me is reading about setting boundaries, discovering what I am and am NOT willing to put up with. And, then learning about myself as to where I was enabling or interfering with HIS problem. I had to stop making his problem my problem. I had my own issues and I'm finally separating the 2 and working on ME. If you get healthy, you can set the right example for your son and that is a wonderful gift to give him. Keep coming back!
You're not alone and that's good. The day meetings might be available and I hope so. Literature and the daily readers were soooo supportive for me when I was a newbie. When I was a newbie and thinking that there were soooo many differences twix me and the fellowship I was told to look at the similarities and after I did that I started to relate more and understand that the face to face meetings and the entire program was where I needed to be. I re-committed this morning to my recovery after coming to the realization that there is no other place or people who can give me what I need because of my life in alcoholism. I've paid the counselors and was raised in a certain organized religion and tried to get help from my family of origin and no one even came close to understanding like the fellowships of Al-Anon and AA. Does she still use and drink...my last qualifer alcoholic/addict wife? I don't know. I'm fully detached from her and should have never chosen to marry her and did from reaction and enabling with unrealistic expectations. The last time I saw her she was clean and sober and happy and well reconstructed and we embraced and went on with our lives as they should be...Trust God, keep our houses clean...help others. I hope this was helpful. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Yes, thank you, I'm going to the daytime meetings while my son is in school, and I don't mean to say that they are not helpful, they certainly are. Many of the women have been in my situation. if not now, because their children are grown, but years ago, so they are wise. One participant said her spouse is a try-addict. Everything he tries, he gets addicted to, and that even when they're not active drinkers, they still have all the isms, so I'm not alone.
I guess where the loneliness comes from is my spouse has behaved so badly that other families have literally run off on us. Last year was our first in the area and people I met at the school welcomed us and invited us on a group summer camping trip. It was the absolute best time my son ever had, hanging out with all kids his age, all day long on the beach. I went alone with just my son because my spouse just started a new job and had no vacation time. This year the same families were all talking about a new trip planned for this summer and the details would be coming out soon by email. Then my spouse's b-day happened and he got tanked. The organizers of the camping trip were there. Weeks went by after the party and no email came through on the camping trip, no details about where and when to book. We have people over, they see my dh in action, and no social invitations ever come our way. I so badly want our son, who has tons of friends at school btw (he's smart and loves sports, and loves everyone), to meet people and have us all get together for dinners and social outings and bbqs but we rarely get family invitations. I feel lucky that my son is invited for playdates and I host all the time as well aiming for after school stuff and daytime outings on the weekend. I
I have found info on hiking clubs and cycling clubs, all things that I want to do. I want to visit the mountains and see the area, but I can't go. They are daylong activities and my son is too young for them.
I know that feeling. We don't have any mutual friends anymore and we don't get invited to group events either. I joined our neighborhood Bible study and we do bbq's and stuff with them and I always invite AH. Most of the time he doesn't come so it's just my son and I. Basically, I've learned to live life with just the 2 of us. My son plays competitive tennis and we travel for his events. I have made great friends with other families and we take the kids out to eat after their matches, etc.
One thing I do also is I do get togethers when AH is traveling. I know it's not ideal but I can have folks over to my house when he's gone. My AH doesn't even travel with us to visit family, either. He's highly allergic to my mom's farm(cats and horses and hay) and he hated my father(my father passed away 15 months ago, though) so son and I traveled a lot alone. There are a lot of folks out there who think I'm not married because they've never met my AH. AH won't come to any of son's tennis tournaments, even the local ones, because of various excuses. It's sad, but I try to fill in as best as I can and I turn my son over to other dads and coaches who can talk to him when he's down after losing a match, etc. I try to find other men who are leaders and kind and compassionate to talk to my son and to work with him off court.
My son and I are avid hikers, too, but we do our own hikes and ask neighbors or friends to join us. Your son is not too young for a 4 mile 1/2 day hike, if he likes the activity. Can you find 1 family or friend to do 1/2 day activities with for now?
You are not alone. Your story is very much like mine. My ex AH was a compulsive job searcher/ hopper as well. We moved way too often and too many times. And for reasons like you states. Everyone artwork is jerks etc.. I also feel it was an ego trip for him every timer got a job offer. Then he could brag about how qualified he was and better than everyone at his current job. It didn't matter that we had small children and i didn't want to move. It was about him. The world apparently revolved around him. But I have a life to live too, and my happiness matters. So thankful HP showed me a way out of the chaos. It was awful, so I know how you feel. I don't want to give advice other than do not move out of the country. You will be terribly isolated and the disease will be even more powerful in isolation. Think about the life you want to live and ask Your higher power for guidance.
haha that is so cute. You sound like a very loving and wonderful mother. He is lucky to have you for a parent : ) I really do believe in the power of prayer and I see your point with al-anon. your situation is SO much different and I can imagine that is very difficult. Pray for strength and ask your HP to surround him with healing light as you imagine it in your mind's eye. I have done this. It worked some small wonders for me and I believe I received healing help from my higher power in the form of my ABF having motives to do better out of the blue for himself. Things that made life easier. Calmer. You're right that your son deserves all of those things and stay strong and keep coming back here.
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
