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I am so overwhelmed dealing with his last fall off the wagon.
He had a huge pain pill problem the last three years. His Dr just gave him more and more then he started buying them when he ran out. It was terrible. We have kids and a mixed family (step kids and shared kids). I feel responsible for holding it all together and making our family work. But slowly over this last year it has been crumbling slowly because of his addiction and spending. We are so broke, and during withdrawls he can't work or function.
About a month ago he decided to kick pills one and for all, he tried over and over this last year and went right back to it or methadone or subocin to quit. I finnaly thougth it would get better and as soon as I started to feel relief. He started acting wierd- up all night, watching porn, just not being himself secluded a lot. I was so frustrated. I worked the steps tried to take a step back not sneak around to figure it out I directly asked him he said nothing was wrong. But I had to call paramedics when he started having a huge panic attack. He told the paramedics (not me) he started smoking meth to help get off pills.
I was crushed and shocked. It was so much more than anything I expected. I just can't trust or even move on right now. I am paranoid about his every action. I am trying to work steps and work through this but feel like I reached a breaking point like I am at the brink. I have responsibilities to my kids to protect them and I can't rationalize staying. I love him so much, sober he is my other half. I don't ever want anyone else. But my step son is 6 we just got full custody because him mom is an addict and so much more out of control and unable to care for him. If I go them who cares for him?... He deserves at least one parent who isn't an addict and who takes care of him. But i worry if I stay my ex my get custody of my daughter. He is an emotionaly abusive person and not a great dad. He just fights and drags me to court all the time, it never stops. I feel like I am sqished between a rock and a hardplace with no good answers or even a pardigm for finding ananswer. I just want to give up, and throw in the towel so to speak- but where the heck would I throw it? Everythign sucks right now..
Ugh. I just don't know if I can cope with his problems, he says he isnt addited to meth it was a short term bender? he hasn't done it in 5 years. I met him when he was sober and doing great. But shortly before that meth almost kiled him. It seems like a whole new rollercoaster instead of pills and I don't want to ride it with him. Do I wait and see what happens or just walk?
Aloha Rinn...YES!! that is exactly how I felt and what I did just before finding the hotline number for the Al-Anon Family Groups and let my HP get me there. It saved my life. If you are not there yet I suggest finding the hotline number in the white pages of your local telephone book and calling it to see where and when we get together in your area and then come the first meeting you can. You might get a hold of a live person also and if you do ask for their Experiences Strength and Hope. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I too felt that way and dove into my al-anon face to face meetings at that point and found my sponsor. Things have gotten better within my head and for me ever since. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
It's hard to separate giving up on life versus giving up expectations of a person. Sounds like you do have a lot of good things in your life but your AH is complicating things. I have reached the point where I felt like giving up on my partner and that the relationship was too hard for me. That is exactly what I felt like in my relationship with my ex-A and shortly after, the relationship ended. Not saying that you have to divorce, but in the worst case scenario, you'd be okay. You don't need to feel hostage in a marriage.
He is a drug addict with very little intention or desire to stop. The rationalizations are insane. Saying "I only went on a meth bender" is not too different than saying "I just went on a killing bender - I'm not a murderer." You don't have to even wrestle with the feeble attempt at logic. Let him own his disease and just do your best to care for yourself and the kids for now. Let his bottom be his as much as you can.
You also stated "sober he's my other half" - As much as that is romantic and sounds ideal. He's just a person and nobody should be the other half that completes you except for maybe your Higher Power. You are whole, complete, and functioning already. That could have just been a turn of speech, but often we do cling to that "Jerry MacGuire - You complete me" model of thinking in relationships and it's really damaging since we have no control over others and allowing them to become part of us (enmeshed) is a recipe for hurt cuz when they fail to function right, we fail to function right. I found out I was better off not thinking that way, even though it went against my nature and I wanted "a soul mate" and "other half."
In relationships 2 halves do not make a whole. They make 2 busted pieces of a puzzle that you keep trying to put together and they don't fit that great. Ironically, 2 wholes can make a great couple.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 18th of March 2013 07:48:26 AM
Dear Rinn, Yes I have been there and it was way too much too handle....and in waltzed the 1st step hand in hand with my HP. When I said what you have said in this post, was the beginning of the surrendering of my will to the only source greater than me. Jerry F had some great counsel...our HP's speak through other people. Keep coming back
You need to get your head straight before making any decisions. Your putting the weight of the world on your shoulders and you don't need to. Take your problems to you HP in prayer and then just take it one day at a time and trust the he will work out the best path for you. I used to do the exact same thing you are doing to yourself and when I stopped then I found that I could think more clearly. If you are a mess then what help can you be to those kids. Take care of yourself first. If you don't then nobody will.
Thanks I am doing better today. I am still struggling with the idea of staying I want to and I love him and our family. But Meth was really where I drew a hard and fast line in the sand. I have been drug around by these problems long enough and the idea of another proplem to contend with is really too much. I am struggling not snoop through his stuff and check his phone for why he is still talking to user friends. It's like a mental hand slap all the time. I just feel like I want a clear answer will the meth happen again or not. But logicaly I know that isn't exactly going to rain down from the sky. lol
