My Son's father is an addict and an alcoholic. He has always used some type of substance. Pot, Cocaine, Booze, Pills...

Our first 4 years were a roller coaster to say the least. I feel in love with him almost immediately. It was the same for him. I was a sophomore in college and he was 8 years my senior. I smoked pot, but who didn't at my age then? I had only smoked pot, I was not into alcohol or harder substances. He was, I did not judge. Until the day I looked into his eyes and saw his soul was gone. He was empty. I didn't know that face anymore. I didn't know this person at all. Everything just got worse from there. I stayed because I believed in my heart he loved me and he needed me, and I probably needed him as well. I was so depressed I went to the doctor to get on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication because when he didn't come home or answer my calls and texts, I panicked. I would cal hospitals and jails. During my pregnancy and after our son was born he was sober. Only because he was in prison. I begged him not to strat drinking and he ignored my pleads. I was a breastfeeding mom so I was not drinking. The beers here and there made me distance myself. I was staying more and more with my mother and concentrated on our newborn son.

Suddenly, one morning my world came crashing down. I found text messages that he was sleeping with a girl from work, who is only 19 years old. I was sick, horrified, and disgusted. How could he? Why? His response was I was too involved with our son and not paying him enough attention. Was this true, probably so. But his response even further infuriated me. This girl knew who I was. She meet me at our church, while I was holding our baby. She had a boyfriend of her own why was she sleeping with mine? I called it quits and tried to move on with my life the best I could. 

Soon after I stopped breastfeeding, post-pardum depression hit me like a ton of bricks. Then, I met Steven. He made me smile and laugh, something I had not done in a long time. Sadly, we only dated a year and we broke up. He was not the man I needed in my life for my son. Yes he was fun to date, but there was no depth to our 'love.' So much so that after I broke up with him and balled for weeks, he was already dated someone else a few days later. Shame on me.

Back to my son's father. He had been calling me trying to make things right for almost 2 years now and finally I gave in when he agreed to therapy and a 6 week treatment outpatient program. He drank all the way until he started the program and it made me distant. Now he is 2 weeks sober and I'm walking on egg shells so not to wake the beast. He goes to 3 AA meetings a weeks and Monday-Friday a 3 hours outpatient program. 

I am doing everything in my power to support him, in the back of my mind it's hard for me to believe in him. I want my son to have a good role model in his life and want his parents to be together. Though i will be okay with not being together I would prefer to make it work. We have a lot of issues in our relationship to work on as well as he has a lot of work to do for himself.  He ****** things up, it's what he does. I'm going crazy in my mind so much that it all I can think about. I get nothing accomplished during the day and it makes me grouchy. I can't talk to my family or my friends about this because I feel like it's a 'private matter' that is not appropriate to talk about with them. But I'm going mental. 

I have found a alnon meeting that I will be attending Saturday but even the thought of that makes me anxious. Sharing face to face with strangers. At least on the internet I'm protected with a screen. I'm scared more for my son than I am for myself. I'm scared I have to tell him Mommy and Daddy are not going to be together. I scared to have to tell him he cannot see his father because he has relapsed. I scared to  get a phone call that he is dead. He flipped his car last year on Father Day weekend, (we were not together.) When he didn't show up to pick up his son, I for sure thought he was dead. If he wasn't drunk, he may have been. His tire blew out and his top heavy SUV flipped at 55mph (which is the speed limit on these CR) 

Any support or help would be much appreciated.