The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I took the ultimate plunge and completely let go. As you might know I'm a big enabler and almost 5 months ago I stop. I stop all but one little detail. His phone.... I thought he HAD to have comunication with the outside world but today I have a change of heart. He sold his car, has money and a job that starts in April so I wrote him and told him I feel he now is in a good position to pay for his own phone. I didn't complete cut him off this minute. I told him I would pay one more month so he will have time to organize his finances.
So he has this last chance to to get it right and fix himself or I won't be hearing from him down the road.
Now it might take him a week or so to realize this because he won't be seeing his email anytime in the next couple of days because when he's in binge mode the mind is GONE.
I have prayed a lot this morning making this decision and I hope I made the right one.
I need to cry now because I feel I need to.....release the hurt so I can move forward with my recovery.
Let Go and Let God.....
((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Being in a similiar situation here's what I did. A son had his own phone that he couldn't/wouldn't keep up on the monthly bill so it got disconnected. Son did have several jobs going and did need a phone for customer contact so we loaned him a little pre-pay phone that we were not using. When he needed to refill the phone, he'd give me cash & I'd do the online refill but it didn't take long for that to stop - he had $ to buy booze but not pay for the phone and I did not pay for any more refills. Somewhere along the line, he lost the phone so he is totally without phone service and that is where I will leave it.
Since then, his customers call our land line - I do not answer it but just let it go to voice message. If he wants to play back his messages, he is welcome to do that but I will not take messages for him - period. He must learn to set his priorities or live with the consequences.
I think you have Proving that you are Working a Great Program! And I Think you did him a Great Justice in that you said it Kindly, you gave him time to make arrangements for a new one, You was Honest, and You Took care of yourself... So From where I'm sitting, I Say let the Tears Flow! Release them to your HP, and Get back to Taking Care of you! I think your Doing GREAT :)
You allowed him the dignity to make his own choice with regard to the phone.... you are giving him the gift of time to 'figure it out'.... and you are also taking a (non-enabling) stance to say "no more handouts".....
Sounds like a well thought out plan to me....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I was being dishonest with myself. I could just hold on to this one little thing and help him just a little bit. Stay attached for just a little while longer. I prayed about it and thought about it and did the step work about it and my HP told me to let go Cathy. Let go and heal yourself. Be honest with yourself or you will never ever be able to heal in a healthy way. Why are you keeping this baggage alive. What good will it do. Are you going to keep yourself from hurting less? What's the deal here. HELLO!!!
Well I do hurt...but this too shall pass, my HP told me it would. He will protect me and give me the strength to overcome all my shortcomings and let me make amends to myself.
Miracles do happen.....I'm living proof
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Yeah, you could keep paying the phone bill for him but what is your motive to do so??? With me, it was that I had contact with my son - as a mother that is an overwhelming desire. Plus, if I didn't hear from him, I could go online and check his call history -- and if he got in trouble he could call home.....sick, sick, sick.
When A son went to detox, his dad & I cleaned out his room & car -- found over $100 worth of empty bottles...if the phone was that important to him he should have redirected that money!!!
I had to do the same thing with my AD and her cell phone a couple of months ago, Cathy. She ended up getting her own phone and plan, but has not shared her new number with me. The only way I can contact her now is via email. It has been a very difficult decision to make and follow through on, but I am "letting go and letting God" on this right now. I feel your pain, but please know that you did the right thing in order for him to figure things out on his own.
I concur with everyone - you did the correct thing and with a window of notice, you did it with kindness. We all know your heart is hurting, but that was a giant leap in your recovery.
I am on old fogey, but I know how much phones mean to this generation of teens to 30's. I know for a fact our AD has missed car payments and forgoes car insurance, but never misses a payment on the latest and greatest model out of her cell phone. I dont get it.
Cathy, I wish I could give you a hug. You are trying so hard with your program and your thinking seems so healthy. Your actions here look to me to be so kind and really truly caring. Well done.
There is nothing left to add, just wanted to give you a hug!!! P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
God bless, Cathy. It's so hard, isn't it? Our AD, 42, got her name in the paper for dui yesterday and without a license don't know how she can keep her new job. I'm living on quotes like "neither provoke a crisis nor prevent one." But, if/when she calls for help, I'll find out if my self-talking makes a difference. We have a long history of enabling and denial. Thanks for the welcome to the group, too, btw.
Your decision makes sense to me. You've helped him and now you are supporting him the Alanon way by letting him take responsibility for his own expenses and debts. He may balk about it because he's become use to not having that expense. You're doing a good job of taking your personal power back and returning the focus to yourself. Thank you for sharing. Hugs. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
