The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thank you. I have been doing all of those things thank God and have felt strength for the first time from Al-anon. I do have a question though about support, I asked our therapist, myself, and him how I can support him when there is nothing to "support" if he is drinking again? What am I supporting his return to drinking? And at the point that he says, " I think I can control it this time.. " then is support even good or necessary. I am at a loss of feelings and words when I think of "continuing support after he stopped going now and is back to square 1.
all I can add is that last night at a meeting a woman told me, when they first go in the beginning you need to cut them a little slack and just let it go when this happens. the flip flopping is normal and almost necessary for them to just finally give up. they at least have admitted there is a problem ,and are trying the last hoo-rah to get it under control. Let him do it. its good for him to go through it.
dunno what I think about that.
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Thursday 14th of March 2013 11:24:40 PM
__________________
Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
I am really confused. The alcoholic in my life is my boyfriend and we have been through so many " episodes " of his drinking causing complete chaos, weekly, bi weekly.. like you would get your mail or visit the gym. He has embarassed himself in front of me because of the amount of blacking out that has occured, and finally for whatever reason decided on his own that he had to clean himself up. (for a bit...) He went to AA for the first time in his life, admitted to himself, to me, and other people in his life he has a problem, and lasted as long as it took to just get over the last disaster before he has started drinking again. I expect a lot of things out of denial, it's a beast. But this one completely floored me. How can he utter the exact same words " I can control it this time" after actually admitting and seeking help for it for the first time. How is he able to admit he has a problem and then magically go back to thinking this time he really can control it? I really couldn't see how he can go back to that and justify all that mayhem that led him to that room in the first place. omg. its insanity.
I don't know if that is a question or just me sharing out of frustration. For some reason I am able to accept and manage living with an alcoholic before he ever admitted it because when he did I imagined it would be a step forward finally. Now that he admitted it and went back to the same old thing I feel like I am unable to manage accepting it this time and its really disintegrating the very last pieces of desire I have to be with him. I barely talk to him and my feelings are really muted and weird. I feel foggy in my heart and head.
Anyone go through this? what is it? thats a question. : )
__________________
Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
My brother who used to drink but has been clean and sober for 4 years now went through what your BF is going through..its difficult to say the least to see said loved one get clean/sober for a while...be it in rehab or in jail and then go back to using...you're not alone in this!! The only thing I can tell you is to continue to pray to your HP and be there to support them. Go to face to face Al-Anon meetings...call your friends, co workers you trust, call the Al-Anon national hotline number and talk with someone...talk to a therapist..I hope this helps. Keep coming back.
Yes thank you. I actually made a post about support because I was told by our therapist and by him that he needed my support in the first two weeks of withdrawal and AA, even though he was really irritable and rude sometimes. i had to let it go and just act like we were a happy normal couple so he could just be cranky and "sweat it out" for 90 days. That was fine with me, I could see that as a form of support. Not riding his case bc he was extremely irritable or didn't want to do something fun with me that day. lol.
HOWEVER. I stopped feeling like my support was needed when he stopped going, and just decided.. " I fell off that horse, but really I didn't need to be on it to begin with! and I am just gonna walk now." lol. Then I said to him, "My resentment and anger is too strong to support you during your phase of delusion." I couldn't go back to denial land for myself either. It wasn't working..? I took it as a positive thing that I am getting better. And I started al-anon.. everyday...
I just became so disgusted with the fact that we are "here" again, that I just didn't want to even be around him anymore and lost enjoyment in the simple things I used to love. I used to love those things even two days after an episode and they wiped everything clean for me. It isn't working. And even physical contact isn't helping. This time I became so angry, I kind of slapped myself into kickstarting my life without him in it to show myself I was going to be just fine...and not seeing him much more than 1 or 2 times a weeks gave me the ability to force my thoughts and feelings in a direction away from him. Man, that did not sit well with him, as I think he feels a loss of control and just tries to make me feel bad for him at every turn with puppy faces, moping, and compliments. Doesnt work now. It actually makes me more angry because I realize that every aspect of "him" is this disease and its manipulation and I feel like im in the twighlight zone asking myself what or who did I really fall in love with?
These ah-ha moments for me are my indicators I am getting well. :) The anger comes and goes now and I have moments of happiness and mostly sadness.. But I can honestly say, even though he is the boyfriend I never see now. I don't actually miss him right now? Not in that way that I can't control the urge to say I love you or call him. I cant remember the last time I did that. I just feel numb and like al-anon says, I don't know how to manage my feelings around him right now so im doing nothing. I am just choosing to not hang out with him and mechanically going on with my life so my " mind will catch up." Our therapist kindly explained this to him and he accepted that it affects " me too" and stopped badgering me when I didn't want to spend every night with him. He is just not there yet with accepting it, and it doesn't dictate my life anymore but there is a small pain in my heart that it may just end this way. I dont know. :(
Thanks guys.
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Friday 15th of March 2013 10:44:15 AM
__________________
Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
What you have to do is keep the focus on yourself. I have had the rug pulled out from under me so many times that I don't even consider what will happen when my AW goes on the wagon. I now just try to take care of myself knowing that a sane and mentally healthy me is the best support I can ever give her. Logic has nothing to do with alcoholism and even the most sincere statements made can and will be renounced when the disease takes control.
The denial in drinking is enormous. What I wish someone had told me in the beginning is that most alcoholics do not ever achieve longterm sobriety. That's how strong the disease is. The statistics are that something like 15-25% of those who go into recovery programs actually make it to longterm sobriety.
I kept waiting for my alcoholic husband to wake up and realize what was going on. When he finally admitted he had a drinking problem, I was so relieved! I thought our problems were solved. He went to AA, he attended for a few meetings, he started drinking again. Down the line he got a DUI. Admitted he had a problem, attended AA for a bit, actually got a sponsor, started drinking again. Got another DUI, was court-ordered into rehab. Went through rehab, started drinking again. I could go on but you get the picture. It is more than 15 years later and he is still drinking. What I wish I had asked myself was, "If you knew that he was going to stay just as he is, without any change, what decisions would you make?"
I simply didn't know the power of the disease. He was in denial and I also was in denial. "But how can he do this? Didn't he just say he understood? Didn't he just get a DUI/black out/ get caught stealing and lying etc?" I kept thinking logic and good sense would prevail. On the rare moments he admitted he had a problem he would say, "Everyone relapses, it's part of the process, it means nothing." Well, what it meant was that he wasn't staying sober. That was all I needed to know. As the saying is, Watch what he does, not what he says.
Hugs, been there done that waiting for the stbax to see the light. That whole issue of the latest crisis has passed sooooo the drinking can't really be the cause of the crisis to begin with, of course he can control it. What I have seen in myself during this last episode is my own expectation of he's finally gotten it. The best thing I can do for him and myself is allow the full consequences of his actions/consequences to fully hit him. This includes letting go of the idea that just because he goes to AA he has finally seen the light and he's going to change immediately for the better. I have to listen with my eyes and not hear with my ears what I want to really hear him say. Yes, it's absolutely true about the relapsing. The addictions counselor he saw said he is going to slip. It's more important to have the tools to get back up on the sobriety horse as quickly ad possible than focus on the slip. For me, that means really putting the focus on me. Asking what do I really want and will I be satisfied in a relationship that may or may not provide it?? I have to know and accept I will not get bread at a hardware store. Keep coming back this is a great thread. Hugs p :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
What struck me in your post is the issue around supporting him. You do not have to support him....you can if you choose. If you choose not to support him, that is OK. He has his higher power and people in his recovery groups to support him (and hold him accountable for HIS choices). Your work is to be fully in YOUR recovery. Take care of you
Hugs, I'm there right now. Except that my Ah won't go to AA. He will admit he has a problem, stop for a while, then drink again, and then get mad when I bring it up claiming that I'm always on his back about it. I'll point out that he admitted to having a problem and he pretends he doesn't hear me. UGH! Yes, it the nature of the disease. It is not fair, and it's not easy. If you go to an Al Anon meeting, one of the lines in the greeting always gets me: Living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us. Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.
That was me! My thinking was distorted. I was unreasonable. I was trying to force sobriety on him. What we learn in Al Anon is that we can't. Once you accept the situation for what it is, you can make a decision for yourself over whether you want to continue living like this or you don't. It's your life, what are YOU going to do?
Yeah... Relapse is not a fundamental part of recovery. That is a misconception. I have noticed that for some people who just keep coming back to AA, it eventually ruins there drinking and some of those "chronic relapsers" do get sober. I did continue drinking after I had admitted I had a problem to myself and some others but never drank after my first AA meeting. That "flip flopping" after going to AA is common but not part of getting sober. It is part of staying sick but, like I said, it's not an indicator he will never get sober. Of people who relapse, it's the ones that quickly return to the rooms who eventually do achieve long term sobriety from what I have seen. His chances are also probably better than somebody who has never been to AA to begin with. The line of thinking is that perhaps a seed was planted... In the meanwhile take care of yourself.
All I know is I drove myself totally crazy trying to understand why the A did what he did. How he could reason and justify decisions that were just painfully obviously destructive or wrong, morally speaking.
It's the disease. Alcoholics are going to do what alcoholics do - and remember that the drinking is just a symptom of the disease. The disease is much bigger than just the drinking. Many A's call it the "stinking thinking".
I just have to remember when I start focusing on other people's problems that I'm stepping into territory that is none of my business. Have to bring it back home. What about me? How am I doing? What am I doing? Can I do something different that makes me feel better about myself?
Alcoholism is said to be a "cunning and baffling" disease, with good reason...
Many times, "logic" can get thrown right out the window, when we are dealing with the depth of denial, and roller coaster of feelings associated with it all...
My ex-AW, when she was active - used to pass out at parties, and then determine the next day, that "12 was obviously too many... tonight I will limit myself to 6"....
She then admitted that she was an A, but decreed that AA was not a solution for her....
For a period of time she was attending (and even chairing) AA meetings, while drinking.... sometimes on the way home, and occasionally even before the meetings....
She had lost her family, and been kicked out of our family home numerous times - lived with a variety of friends, basically damaging each and every friendship with her drinking - moving on to the next one....
She had been to multiple treatment centers, and dozens of counsellors....
When she finally got to (hopefully her last) treatment center - almost ten years ago now - she opened with "hi, my name is 'x', and I have issues with drinking, but I am NOT an alcoholic"
I share the above as food for thought - an A's path to recovery is seldom a straight line, and many of them go through multiple versions of acceptance before they finally get to their place where they truly believe they need help...
The good news is that he does, indeed, know that he has a problem....
The not-so-good news is that his timeline for addressing this problem, is quite likely a whole lot different than you would have expected/hoped for.
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
wow.. Thanks Tom. Her opening with that line really struck me. Who knows what his timeline is, all I know is that he screamed at me on the phone telling me, " I don't belong in that stupid room with those degenerates like you think I do. " To be honest, I find a lot of people in AA are extremely successful, too smart for their own good types, not degenerative at all.
__________________
Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
My AH knows he has a problem with alcohol, and I can see that his disease has the control. He can go for a couple months without drinking and then WHAM. One to two weeks of nothing but drinking. We have been married for 22 years, but it has been in the last three years (after gastric bypass surgery) that he is no longer a functioning alcoholic. All our years together, he/we drank socially, over did it on camping trips etc. Never had "trouble". He is self employed and worked everyday building a wonderful business which is now almost non existence. He has been in the hospital multiple times in the past two years for ulcers, withdrawal seizures and been to Detox twice. He tried AA but did not like it. I have a good job and am now completely financially responsible for everything (never any extra $$ now)because he cannot contribute anymore. I am grateful that when he drinks, he is a loner at home, doesn't drive anywhere except to buy his alcohol in the morning (when he is sober)and enough to last a few days. I am grateful he is a non violent confrontational person, he has never ever said or done anything mean or been violent. One dilemma for me is that the state we live in is a community property state. If I choose to divorce, I will be responsible for half the debt he racked up with his business, (unsecured). The property and shop and equipment are all paid for. I am really angry because I am stuck with this debt, but I want our assets. This stuff may make me angry, but the worst part of this whole situation is to watch an intelligent man slowly kill himself. I have friends, family close by when I need to escape. Most of the time tho, he is passed out by the time I get home. I attend f2f meetings weekly and have just gotten a sponsor. I read Al Anon literature daily and work to keep myself at peace. I sometimes feel that I enable him because if I move out, he would not be able to pay to keep the utilities on. Not so bad really when you think about it. However, I just cannot see paying rent when our house is paid for.
I agree with you canadianguy, it is his timeline not mine for recovery if he so chooses.
Just wanted to vent. I need another outlet along with my once a week meeting. I am powerless over this disease. I have to tell myself everyday that I cannot do anything to help him, he has to do it for himself. I must stay out of his business and concentrate on me, myself and I. And our dogs. :)
I am still going throught it! I have heard the "I can not control it, help"..but thats just his way of getting me thought the lasted dramatic situation. He is telling me what i want to hear then back to the drama. I too said if he choose to drink i did not want to be around him. Than it was "I will only have six"...and it began again. The actions are much louder than the words. For me I wanted to get away from it, especially after I started my recovery. He does not like my recovery, the detachment and facing his own consequences. Well to F...ing bad!!
I expect a lot of things out of denial, it's a beast. But this one completely floored me. How can he utter the exact same words " I can control it this time" after actually admitting and seeking help for it for the first time. How is he able to admit he has a problem and then magically go back to thinking this time he really can control it? I really couldn't see how he can go back to that and justify all that mayhem that led him to that room in the first place. omg. its insanity.