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recovery is not perfection, but progress. I know that. But when I'm faaling back into the hurt, as it happens more often lately again, it happens i loose hope as well.
I know I chose the right thing, the best way for me to be healthy. and I did a lot of progress and I'm proud of that. But yesterday my emotions took over, I let myself put down by them and in doubt. I was so ANGRY. horrible thoughts of revenge came to me,very horrible thoughts.... but I didn't act upon them, even though it might have given me a quick fix of relief, honestly. But I also am experienced enough in such situations, that I know it will only backfire on me, and hurt me... since I'm involved with a huge sociopath. I am sorry to call a person like that, one that I used to love once, for th ewrong reasons. So there my be some GUILT here as well.
But the facts that the ex A gets away with it all, and shines in his self-adoration and arrogance, and still dares to contact me and 'inform' me about 'how well he is doing',well I simply think it is not fair. I used to believe in a sort of karma, that what you seed you will grow. But with that person, i honestly think he might never have to pay a single bill in life, or feel his real consequences, because he simply settled down in a word of enablers and social dependence, which allows him to believe all his lies nd use and abuse everybody.
well yesterday, I wish that person would fall back into active drinking and die, simply like that. Horrible thoughts. Because I know he is still manipulative and saddistic with me, letting messages and information come through through common acquaintances we have. It feels like passive abuse now, again, just in a different form and shape, and I don't want to play the victim, but I don't know how to protect myself from it, mentally.
I don't want to drown in self-pity also, I am still and always walking my program, and always comforted by your support also. And I did marvellously strongly well in not reacting to any of his attacts in the past 4 weeks and even practice loving detachment from that person and having an attitude of 'what you think of me is not my business, but I obviously care more than I think. I hurt, i am hurting very deeply right now.. and this situation has developed so unfairly and sometimes, like yesterday, I get really scared of myself, because I'm tired to be used as a dustbin, when people actually can and do act properly and nice around everybody else. I know the manipulation, the secrets and lies and denial he came from and is still living in obviously, but I still want some sort of justice. How to fight the frustration, and not fighting back (I really want to do him bad, and this feeling of aggression is killing me actually)...my talking has that bitter sound in the words recently also...I don't want to become this resentful bitter disappointed person. where is the ventil for those negative feelings. I feel like a ticking bomb and I'm fearing the day I might EXPLODE and create damage.
some ESH share maybe from your brave warriors out there?
Tortuga, I understand so much of your post. I love my husband but lately I have felt so much hatred for my AH. It helps me to think of them as 2 separate beings, one who drinks, lies, cheats, steals, rages, is mean and spiteful. The other is gentle, kind, compassionate, supprtive, and loving. I still see glimpses of my husband, and that is what keeps me hanging on.
Progress, not perfection. You are doing a great job. Be kind to yourself, feel your feelings, but take care of Tortuga. Big hugs and support to you!!
Here is big hugs OOOOO. Being angry at your A is something we can all understand. Put the focus back on yourself. Trust your HP to deal with him. Praying for you...
Hugs t, lol dark fantasies ... you are speaking my language. You know the movie the Descendents? That character is my hero on a lot of levels I'm referring to the dad. It is ok to be angry and have angry thoughts. You didn't act on them and that says a lot of good stuff about you. Please stop beating yourself up. It is progress not perfection. One bad day doesn't undo all of the good work, for me sometimes it pushes me in a whole new level of healing. As far as what he pays that is all relative because he pays a big price of not fully living. I don't want to live my life the way my stbax does, it is sad what he needs to do to be "happy". You want to know the cost, read the AA big blue book and 12 steps and 12 traditions. I use those books as tools in my own program. It helps me jump through some blocks and it builds compassion for others and the pain they are in. My anger absolutely still there, I don't have to act on it and I don't live in it either. I would not want to live with what my stbax is going to should he find recovery or not. It's not going to be easy. So will he pay? Maybe not via one of my dark fantasies, although two have actually happened and I have no amends to make cause they have been acts of God. His Hp has far better ways to get his attention than I do. Now my focus is my own recovery and I have a lot more energy to do the things I want. As a reminder you don't have to take his calls. It is ok not to answer and delete the messages. Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I can COMPLETELY Relate, And thru MY Experience I have learned that BOUNDRYS are HUGE for me! I too have one that Keeps Coming at me and I'm not Ready or Well enough to deal with their Sickness...And just when I think they will leave me alone Well then mutual Friends will "Validate" what I'm already thinking & feeling & the Cycle Starts ALL back over again!
So I have been Working thru it, and it started with having to tell our Mutual friends something along these lines "Before you go any further, let me stop you there! What "XYZ" does is None of My Business Anymore!, but I'd Love to hear how Your Doing!" or, "Well I'm Happy for them but that is Really None of My Business and not a topic I care to share in!" and another time I had to tell a Dear Friend, "Well if when we are together "XYZ" can't be a topic of our day! AT ALL!" and it does help... I Say it as Kind as I Can! and if they Get Upset or Offended, AGAIN, Not My Business... I'm only trying to be True to MYSELF and My Serenity REQUIRES It!
Hope this Helps you! This Program has Soooo Many Tools available... Just find yourself what Fits For you! & Keep Coming back :)
Oh Tortuga, we are on the same wavelength here. I started to post on it yesterday but couldn't organize my thoughts. My husband has had his wife leave, his children leave, lost his career and many friends but in his denial and with his IRA to raid and pay the bills, his family who never gave a rat's ass about him when we were trying to get him into treatment are now circling the wagons and taking him on trips like he's on a freakin' holiday. In the past week, the nastiness has escalated. He took our dog for the day which he had done before and will not bring her back. He changed the security code on the house so that I and our grown sons can't go in unless he's there. My name is on the mortgage and I have never taken a thing out other than the animals when I found my birds dead from lack of food and water after a weekend binge. Karma, HP ... I'm waiting. I can relate to the wishing for death for him and the dark thoughts but it's strange that I don't even argue anymore. It's such a waste of time and energy.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
Jozie - thanks for the good advice. It is a struggle sometimes to figure out how to talk about things with friends and family. I know people are concerned, but I find it's not helpful for me or AH to share our life details with everyone who is concerned. Again, I am trying to let go and let God.
Thanks all for your support. The good thing about working this program is, is that I learn to accept my feelings in time, and not let them define who I am as a person. and this time anger was only there for a much shorter time than it used to be. so yes, progress, not perfection....and for me that means a whole lot of newly discovered self-care. Things are different and growing better than months and years before.
Yes I know this anger. Don't beat yourself up about it. I'm a newbie but from what I hear this is perfectly natural for you to feel angry. Feel it and resist the urge to BLOW UP. Not that you don't have good reason to BLOW. Everytime I get angry and those negative thoughts come, I say a short prayer (hail mary in my case) but you can talk to your HP however you perceive him. Say the prayer and think about doing something nice for yourself. Go for a walk, get a pedicure, visit the library, get your favourite magazine, make a chai tea. I'm out looking for a new bike today so I can take my son out on the trails near my house, and I just came back from taking my son out to lunch to one of our favourite family restaurants. Meanwhile, hubby is at a bar right now. But at least we have the house to ourselves. And I'm celebrating. He mowed the lawn today, probably the first contribution to the household in weeks and weeks and weeks. Yay! It is enough. You are enough. Hugs and more hugs and more hugs to you. You can do it. I am thinking of you.
