The next chapter of the saga continues. My ex ABF has been silent lately, no calls, thought that would be good. Well I can not keep my heart in check, I miss him, I hurt a lot, cry off and on all day, cant sleep or focus. I go back to "how could the next drink be more important than me"? Despite the chaos with the drinking, that scars beyond belief. I am working the program 4 times a week, reading the literature and seeking a sponsor, i just want all this to go away. i am sooooooo very tired of hurting. I hoped of marrying him once, was willing to make that life long commitment. He couldn't give up the booze. I know, its a disease, that does not help the pain. Venting here is about all I've got, how very sad!

 

Aloha Heather...I know what that is about also.  Some of us last night a our home group were talking about how the amount of pain is equal to the physical, mental and emotional investment we put into the dream and the alcoholic so that the alcoholic could qualify for the dream.   Mine didn't qualify...no matter how hard and how much I invested in her.  Alcoholism  is the monster killer of them all...and it's legal...damn.   Keep coming back...vent or not...we're family.  ((((hugs)))) 

This too will pass. It's not him choosing the booze over you. It's him being an alcoholic - period. He does not see or is unwilling to see how alcohol messes up his entire life. So it does you no good to frame it as you versus alcohol. That isn't even on his radar. Drinking is just what he does and even though I'm sure it's been brought up between you guys and in other areas of his life - the nature of alcoholism is to deny that it creates relationship and other life problems because that next drink send the alcoholic to obvlivion and that literally feels like the solution and not the problem. It's a sad and maddening disease. It's not you losing to booze. It's alcoholism taking over and controlling him. This doesn't make the hurt go away, but I hope it helps you at least see it's not that you aren't enough or are inferior in any way.

Hugs Heather, my esh has been after the initial breakup it's going to take time and it's going to come in waves. Sometimes the waves are big like in Hawaii big and sometimes the waters will be very calm. You are taking all of the right steps to take care of you. I tend to think of it in terms of detoxing from a toxic relationship. It's no different than an addict the first 90 days are probably going to be pretty rough. It took me months to talk in terms of months. I could do weeks. Now I can say he moved out a year ago. It can take my breath away at times. I catch myself looking for a fix from time to time. I have to check my motives. It does get easier. It's one of those sometimes time takes time kind of things. We have children together and it's really hard to see him act so normal with them. I get that stomach dropping feeling. I feel my self esteem slip. I have to remind myself he's not ok and I'm not ok. It's ok to have those feelings because I have a safe place to come and talk about them. Just keep coming back and doing the next right thing. You will be ok and you are not alone. Hugs p :)