The material presented
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So, it feels like all I do lately is post here and email my sponsor ... Its been three looong weeks. Three lonely weeks. Last nite when my ah left again for the night I did a pretty.good job of finding peace. Connected with my sponsor, gave fear over to hp...and did sleep. Howver, then morning came....obviously ah was out until wee hrs...no surprise...except we had just talked about it on sunday....he said all of the right stuff...changed nothing. What upsets me about mornings when he has been out is that he is responsible for our daughter getting to school as I have to leave the house first. Sothis morning...like many others....he was hungover, claimed he was fine to take her to school...shes eight, but as I left thre she sat alone eating breakfast...alone...that breks my heart. What happens after I leave...he eventualky rushes her around and takes her to a neighbor kid who drvs sibs to school..or he takes her .... Its the sitting there alone that saddens me...its WRONG. He claims to care to know she deserves more from him blah blah...but there she sits. I guess I just need to face reality that onhe nights he goes out that I pre arrange with a friend that I take my kiddo o them as I leave for work. Im not sure why I resist this...i think its a form of denial, a way to try to make him step up...and not to mention, hes never home to talk about such things..... Guess I know what needs to be done ...just avoiding reality. Hes getting worse, my marriage amts to nothing, hes never home or avail unless on his terms...the only take away I have which is huge, is that I put my daughter to bed every night across the hall....nit by saying gnight on the phone.....crying now...need tostop as I have a full day of work ahead.
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Let your tears flow and keep doing your al anon recovery work. One thing that helped me was accepting that everything that came out of my husbands mouth was a lie...addicts lie and manipulate and they will eat us alive if we let them. They have to behave in this way to survive and keep the addiction alive; it really is not personal. I can say it is not personal but oh how I struggle with this, still. Now, I know, though, that I have the tools to get my thinking straight and my spirit does not get damaged. You have had alot of damage and it will take time to repair and transform as a result of your addiction of co-dependency (that was a hard one for me to swallow about myself). Keep up the good work... hugs
I can relate to so much of what you wrote; I have had many mornings when my AH was supposed to be in charge of at least one of our kids (we have 3) and I left the house wondering if I could trust the situation at all. I have also heard all of the promises of things changing, and have been up until the wee hours with lots of worries crowding my brain!
One thing that I have been trying to keep in mind is that even though the As behavior is wrong, unfair to those around him/her, hurtful etc. the A is also not a happy camper. I believe your H when he says he knows your daughter deserves better and the negative feelings he has bout his part in this are for him to examine, and hopefully work on.
It is wonderful that you are in touch with your sponsor, especially during these moments, and of course coming here where we all can support one another.
I am not one for tatooing but have thought seriously about permanently applying the serenity prayer somewhere on my body so that it is always there for me to see!
I heard a few things in that that make me feel hopeful for you. You are reaching out consistently and while that might make you feel weak, it's actually strong and that is what will get you through this. You keep reaching out and coming back and you will be okay no matter how much this seems to hurt.
Also, it probably is wise to make arrangements for you daughter in the mornings - I am speaking from my experience of driving to work in the mornings after my drinking escapades and passing out just hours before and I know I was still drunk...I went the wrong way...walked into work not properly dressed...so yeah...I woudn't want my child driving with a person that hungover or in many cases - still drunk. I know I was still drunk in those mornings so it was still DUI.
I am glad that you shared with such honesty and clarity. Working your program is just that-- sharing the truth about how you feel and owning it. The answers will come. Keep working your porgram, using the tools and life will unfold.
My addiction to co dependency...ouch, that stings..but its true. Wish it were easy to jump ship and run. pP, what cam uou tell me about you...is there any hope for this mess.....i know its not the question to ask...just my hope meter is low at the moment... :(
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Single mothers have to make arrangements for their children and they just go ahead and do it. It complicates things when there is another big person in the mix, one our heads tell us should be able to step up and function as another adult.
I wonder if you asked her, if she would like to go to bed a half-hour earlier, or whatever it takes, and have breakfast and talk the day over with Mommy and then be dropped at your friend's house. (And Thank God for friends!) Maybe she would. Maybe she'd rather take her chances with her father, if she is safe doing that. If she's not safe, that makes your decision easier and you get to decide for her?
A wise man said that the long-time Alanons who really work at the program achieve the serenity and wisdom we all seek. There is the hope for us all.
Good luck!
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
