The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am going absolutely out of my mind with myself lately. Most of this has to do with being around my verbally abusive alcoholic mother. I'm afraid to move out in case anything happens to her.
I just started school, was paying for it on my own fine. My mom is currently unemployed and sits around drinking all day. Even though I live in this environment, I have been keeping up with my grades and giving it my 110% at school, but lately I'm slipping.
I quit my old job because I couldn't take it anymore. I worked in a pizza place about 30 hours a week with an incredibly abusive boss. He would yell and scream the whole shift, he'd call the girl who worked there a "xxxx" (if you catch my drift) and he'd repeatedly call me a piece of 'xxxx' and scream at me like a punching bag when he'd get upset or stressed during rushes. I finally had it and told him to screw one day and walked right out.
I haven't been able to find any work lately that will give me more than 20 hours and am not making ends meet with my tuition bill right now (hell, even if I was working 50 hours a week, tuition wouldn't be affordable). I asked my father for help (who is also verbally abusive) and he told me "no" even though he makes $80,000 a year. He stopped helping me with school because I got a B in one class two semesters ago. He said he would not fund my tuition unless I got all A's. On top of that, he lets me know I'm a failure. Calls me fat, says I won't be able to accomplish anything with my life etc..
I was feeling really blue, but just last week put the icing on the cake..
I wake up and get ready for school, and there my alcoholic mother is. She's standing on a ladder and I see a noose. It's 9 am and there's all ready a whole bottle of wine gone in the living room. I take the noose away and I call her AA sponsor (couldn't call 911 cause she doesn't have health insurance).
My mom was sent to the psych ward for detox and her suicide attempt. I'm still here by myself, the heat's off because neither of us have money to pay the bill for it and my mother has collected debt beyond her ability to pay off.
I have no money because I refuse to work for a verbally abusive boss who sexually harrasses his employees. I can't find full time work because I'm in school. I can't pay for school cause I have no full time work. I have no family, the only person who ever cared for me, I made so miserable that they tried hanging themself in front of me. My father never cared about me. He just uses me as a punching bag, and to show off with my accomplishments which seem to feed his ego to the nth degree. I can't get any financial assistance with school because "my parents make too much money". Therefore my only option is to submit to the capitalist dog loan sharks of the private sector who profit off of manipulation. No thank you.
My life is living hell.
When I see these violent kids who go on shooting rampages on television these days and people say "how can someone do that?!" I can see exactly how that happens. When you feel so isolated. So resentful toward other humans So hated So despised
.. as if you are a mutant who does not deserve to live. It's not the video games, it's not the parents It's not the guns
IT'S EVERYTHING. This is literally a culture of 'xxxx'.
people drink coca cola and monster energy like it's water. Fathers tell their sons "You're mother's a fat 'xxxxx", Mothers tell their sons "All men are pigs" Schools hook 11 year olds on speed (ritalin and aderall) because their school teachers are boring and incompetent with their jobs. Doctors give their patients drugs which alter their brain chemistry and turn them addicted to said drug (so the pharmaceutical company can profit) all because they were sad their significant other broke up with them We drive cars that get 8 gallons of gas per mile (hummers) when we possess the technology to run cars off of recycled vegetable oil. The richest 1% of America earns 93% of income growth in our economy. Violence is rewarded in video games Women are never skinny enough Men are never strong and "jacked" enough homophobia sexism racism The war on drugs (a part of the prison industrial complex) E-dumps in south east asia (a byproduct of the wasteful capitalist system) wage - slavery
Is it "entitlement mentality" to just need a hand right now? Looks like it's time to drop out and go back to flipping burgers.
-- Edited by RSanders on Tuesday 12th of March 2013 03:38:10 PM
-- Edited by canadianguy on Tuesday 12th of March 2013 04:40:50 PM
What is wrong with flipping burgers? How can I help here? You have come to a place where there are many that care about you and will give you the support and validation that you might be seeking; it does not sound like you can get what you need with the people that are currently in your life. After you read the many posts here and receive our support, the "what's next" is to find a face to face al anon meeting where you will be physically surrounded by total unconditional love. Please keep us updated. Many hugs to you
I am so very sorry for the turmoil and pain that you are living with. Alanon is a fellowship of men and women who live with or have lived with the problems you describe. We too felt as you do and were fortunate enough to find this powerful "free "fellowship that offers support, love, understanding, compassion and recovery to anyone who wishes to attend.
Recovery from the effects of this disease takes time and dedication. If you try attending you will find new tools that will enable you to see other alternatives for your life
When we are around alcoholics and addicts we get sucked into the insanity too. We need our own recovery.
You have had a terrible situation and it is no wonder you are feeling discouraged and angry. But you are also heading onto a path of recovery. You quit the job with the abusive boss -- that is taking care of yourself. The economy is terrible right now, and I understand that it is beyond frustrating that you haven't been able to find a new job.
I hope you can go to the financial aid officer at your school and find out what the options are for more financial aid. Although 30 hours a week were supporting you, it is more than the recommended amount for full-time students, and eats into your grades. So in a crazy way the job you had to quit may be a blessing in disguise. I have known a number of people who had to leave school for a while, usually a year, and get full legal independence from their parents, because then you qualify for much more financial aid. It also sounds as if you have high grades and that will help in the competition for merit scholarships. The people at university financial aid offices are used to dealing with students whose parents have cut them off, gone nuts, or any number of situations. I won't say they are all wonderful and sympathetic people because some of them are just typical bureaucrats. But among them are some wonderful and sympathetic people who know all the ins and outs.
I hope you can also go to your university health service and get a free therapist who can help with sorting things out. No one should have to deal with seeing their mother about to use a noose. I know in the craziness you've had to deal with, in a way it's just one more thing, but no one should have to deal with this without support.
You have also made an excellent start by coming here. There will be local Al-Anon meetings that will be a wonderful addition to this site. They say to try 6 because they're all different. At first the people may (or may not) seem as if they're "not like you" -- different ages, life stages, etc. -- but look for the commonalities and all of a sudden you will see a whole room full of people there to help you on your way forward. Then you can start looking for a sponsor and work the steps and things will start changing immensely.
Please please take good care of yourself. I hope you will keep coming back.
I'm so glad for this board because when I was reading about your financial issues I was thinking to myself "wow - I wish I knew how financial aid worked at colleges" and sure enough, Mattie pops in with some wonderful options to consider. That's the beauty of this program - we sit there and suffer enough until one day we finally say "Hey, I've had it! I'm going to talk out loud about these problems with some trusted people." and usually it's only to vent, but then someone just suddenly shows up and says "Hey! Did you know you could try X, Y or Z?" Nice!
In any case, I do apologize for the gushing over Al-Anon but it never ceases to amaze me the solutions that can be presented when we finally decide to share the load of our problems with others instead of trying to manage it all ourselves.
In any case, have you made it to any Al-Anon meetings? I think they could be helpful for you, as many of us have grown up with, lived with and yes - worked with - people who behave exactly as you've described. And a lot of us have figured out how to eventually untangle ourselves from those people and eventually live productive, happy lives.
PS - manifestos where you identify with people that bomb schools often can get you unwanted attention by the feds...I get your rant and I totally empathize with your situation but contain yourself for your own good.
There is hope. People have triumphed over even more challenging odds than what you cite. You are up against a lot but you are smart and capable. This seems to be a challenging period of your life but it won't always be this way. You can't afford to let your whole world view become so negative cuz that will attract more negativity towards you and you don't deserve that. You deserve rewards and good things to happen. Believe it or not, some of that does lie in having a positive attitude (much as you probably want to smack me for saying that). Praying for your peace and happiness.
