The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am the adult child of an alcoholic. My mother began drinking about 9 years ago, when she is sober she is my best friend. Her drinking habits consist of extreme periods of binging that result in her becomming unconscious and ending up in the ER, there have been many episodes where she mixed benzos with the alcohol resulting in life threatening overdoses. I do not know from one day to the next whether or not I will wake up the next day with a mother. She has gone through more inpatient and outpatient treatment programs that I can count, even to the extent of being petitioned for help. I have done professional intervention. I have tried to pay for treatment to address the serious underlining history of trauma. Currently she is taking Antabuse and drinking through it, which I am sure many of you know is extremely dangerous. We are very close during the periods in which she is lucid, considering her drinking habits she will drink for several days and ultimately be forced to detox because my family has resorted to removing her car keys from the home and she is usually too intoxicated to walk to the store however during these periods of horrific detox she continues to refuse help. I cannot express how detrimental this has been to myself and my younger brothers but I am sure many of you can relate. I am completely at my wits end and need to cut off this very destructive rollercoaster relationship for my own sanity but I am concerned that as a result she will commit suicide. She tells me that I am all she has, how do I face the guilt in front of me when I walk away and even moreso if something happens to her as a result?
Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you are going through this with your mum. There is help out there for you. Alanon is for people affected by alcoholism. It helps you see you can't control or cause her drinking. It gives you freedom to live your own life and let your mother live hers. Take care
As an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, I have also asked this question. For me, asking when is it OK to cut ties, was my way of asking: can the pain just please, stop! Whether or not we choose to cut ties (we don't advise to keep or maintain relationships because it is such a personal decision), we can stop the pain by learning a different way to live. I learned this different way to live in Alanon meetings. There was nothing more of a relief for me than to be with people who truly understood the agony I was in, the grief, the lost dreams and disappointments, and the rage. When I cried, they comforted me and gave me hugs that I needed to break the anger, shame, and isolation.
I encourage you to go to meetings. Over time, you will find the answers that will work for you. You will find ways to set boundaries, to stop getting on the rollercoaster, ways to preserve your sanity, and detach with love.
You may decide, ultimately, to stay or to cut ties, or something in between. Your answers will come as you reach for the cool drink of refreshing water that Alanon is. You've lived with the disease for a long time and your mom is very, very, very ill. You deserve relief and support.
I feel your agony. When I was in the throes of trying to make a painful decision regarding my marriage, it was suggested to me that I wait, attend al anon meetings, and, make a choice only when I was absolutely certain. As already stated in a previous post, I, too, was looking to end the pain, but I did not know that my pain would not end until I attended al anon, got a sponsor and began absorbing and living the 12-steps. I still go through periods of intense pain, but now I know I have the tools to learn from the pain and eventually reach higher ground, regardless of what what other people in my life are doing. I remind myself that everyone else has a higher power and it isn't me. I also look for the reasons that people are in my life, often, it is to level me or put me in a fetal position from hurt so I can shatter the ego parts that I thought were me. If I did not go through these periods, I would probably sit on the couch all day eating peanut butter cups instead of engaging with people with compassion and love. So, I guess I need agony and pain to become a better version of me....geez, how encouraging is that? I wish you well. Keep coming back, you are loved.
I too am an adult child and I so hope you can attend local face to face meetings and learn to dettach with love. I am sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
. I also look for the reasons that people are in my life, often, it is to level me or put me in a fetal position from hurt so I can shatter the ego parts that I thought were me. If I did not go through these periods, I would probably sit on the couch all day eating peanut butter cups instead of engaging with people with compassion and love. So, I guess I need agony and pain to become a better version of me....geez, how encouraging is that?