The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Something I read in one of the posts struck me big time and that was the issue of not addressing the pink elephant in the room. When I first came into Alanon I only knew to address everything bluntly with no filter, no courtesy and def no kindness. The first year in Alanon I thought I wasn't suppose to say ANYTHING about the pink elephant, don't talk about it and everything will be fine was what I took from the lessons.
That was so not a full reality of what the program has to offer to say the least, ... ironically for me going to open AA meetings actually gave me more tools and a better understanding of discussion that is ok to have. What I have learned going into my 2nd year of Alanon is I DO have a right to say ohhh .. pink elephant swinging it's truck is getting in my way and I don't like it. I have choices and I now have tools to address those issues. What I have had to learn is what are my boundaries in these situations and do I say what I mean and mean what I say and not say it mean?
The boundaries for me are flexible based upon what I can handle. So some do change .. I have some boundaries that are what I would call hard boundaries .. what is and is not ok for me, .. ever. I am learning that the better understanding I have of me, the better my boundaries are and I don't even have to state what they are I only have to show through my own actions what is and is not ok. Again .. my actions speak far louder than any words I say. The only way I used to be able to make boundaries is to do it through anger. That kept me safe, it kept bad actions away however building that wall would shield me from everyone and everything. I've only just come to discover it is no way to live my life or really teach my children this is what they need to do to be safe.
The other thing I have learned and I'm not doing it perfectly is leaving my expectations of what I think someone else should or should not be doing, based upon what I am or am not doing. That kind of expectation for me has caused more heartache and hurt than I care to admit. As much as I want to point the finger and say, my A is such a jerk (and no not everything he has done is nice or ok), I have to accept my part in my own pain, what did I allow and why did I allow it are far more important to me to address now.
If I can hold my boundaries, if I can let go of my expectations, my own detachment is very safe and secure. I'm not basing my emotional happiness of what someone else is doing or not doing. For me at least it's not an easy process. I still trip a bit about the past and try not to let it completely foul me up .. it's a day to day thing. It can really be more of a min by min thing as well especially recently.
I do have the lingering expectation that the A in my life is going to provide me bread from the hardware store emotionally, .. he can't. Now .. I know this in my head, if only my heart can get in line with it all. Again if I know myself and I know what I need, I can state emotionally, with kindness, courtesy and love, even without the expectation that he's going to provide me with any of it. I can still show it, I can still feel my feelings without him getting the way. I also give myself permission to say, "this is not ok for me, it is hard to watch the self destruction of someone I care for, it is hard to know help is available and will be when you are ready." Now .. that is my own personal boundary, to love him where he is at without the expectation of him doing it all perfectly. Letting him know that while I care, I can't go down with him. I have to get out of the way for whatever outcome is going to play out.
Alanon for me is not about not addressing the pink elephant in the room. It's doing it without anger, hurt, justification, explination, defending and so on. It's addressing with with the grace, respect, kindness, courtesy and love that I want from other people in my life (even the A, .. cause if I am giving it .. life goes so much better than being constantly in conflict). While I may not get that from the A, I can get it from other sources that have everything to do with me, my HP, my self esteem, self respect, self honesty, and so on. I can call an Alanon friend, sponsor, read lit and find my own inner peace. Not the ego side of me that demands my inner child's needs get met come hell or high water, not even caring if I hurt others in the process.
When I first came into Alanon it was hard to know when and how to address anything in a safe way. I'm just very grateful that this is a progress not perfection kind of program .. I sooo would have flunked the first year!! It's why I keep having to come back, to remember that as far as I have to go .. I have already come a long way.
Thanks for letting me share :) P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I have a job working in the mountains- which give me room to think, and to spend quiet time with my higher power. Maybe different people will describe the 'pink elephant' differently- then maybe not. I was thinking yesterday about what drinking was supposed to be about. it was supposed to be about fun times- social times, music and laughter. My experience as a kid was that it made people sad, grumpy. I actually came to believe that people were around me drinking poison. Like watching our Sunday roast shrivelling in the oven well into the afternoon, waiting for people to finish their 'social time'.
Sometimes I cannot talk about 'the pink elephant' without bitterness and anger. But inside of the rooms is a safe place to do this.
This was a helpful post for me to see today; I was thinking about that idea of the elephant in the room, and how in my home it seems that the only time the issue has been addressed has been
a) pre-Alanon: w tears, anger, resentment, bitterness
b) very early-Alanon: accepting everything never saying a word about any of it!
c) anytime: after a binge night, when A is remorseful and is approaching it all like a wounded puppy, with me playing the part of the ever-suffering wife
I am working hard on deciphering what I need to say, when and how it should be said, etc. I don't feel like I really have much of a clue about how to handle this scenario much better, but I am here and paying attention!
Very very good post...Very Good!! The elephant in the living room in my house was a big regular grey one...Elephant crap all over the place...walking on egg shells while having to stumble around elephant doo. Glad it found a better zoo...very glad. Loved the post and responses. Did pink mean it was female? (((((hugs)))))
Love this! Pink elephant lol, I always thought it was the big white elephant in the middle of the living room, i guess it can be whatever color you want, it still leaves a big pile. Sending you love and support always!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
LOL, I love Jerry's thing about the elephant finding another zoo. That was great.
What Yanksfan shared was true for me, too. I'm still in the early Al Anon phase and trying to keep my mouth shut because I am still working on developing my tools. Thanks for this share, Pushka, your lessons will be with you for life and that's such a blessing, isn't it?
It's why I keep having to come back, to remember that as far as I have to go .. I have already come a long way.