I think hes getting worse, and so am I - Al-Anon Family Group

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I think hes getting worse, and so am I

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

So...its been two and half weeks since returning from family vaction and I am quite sure my ah has been drunk or drinking more than not. Other than maybe three nights im quite sure ive slept alone either because he was out all night and finally came home and slept on the couch, or he was too hungover to wake upoff the couch . This past week he was out four nights...slept in our bed with me one of seven. And here we are again...starting a new week, its one inthe morning and hes still not home. Had sex with me this morning...thought that was a good thing...for a few hrs after I actually kidded myself into thinking we still had a marriage. I was all set to stop the negative talk...yet here I am alone again. I dont know why I stay. What am I getting from this rekationshiop....poor sleep, or no sleep, headaches, loneliness, fear...the list goes on. The only postive...i have full custody of my daughter, abeautiful home and, well, little else. I sure dont have a,marriage. Hes sure not getting better. Ive been actively involved with alanon for at least three yrs and I see him making no prgress, me "putting up and shutting up" yet dying inside. I stay because of not wanting to share my child with him, not wanting to disrupt the little saniry I have which amounts to a home and knowing I tend to and am with my daughter every day( which is obviously a huge for me-its why im.staying)...other than that there is little else. Im starting to think hes having an affair again, but part of me is a bit numb to that as in my eyes hes been having an affair all of the 13yrs we have been married....an affair with a beer bottle and bar stool. I try so hard to let go, to live and let live...but im so damn hurt. So angry. So alone. So so very hurt. I try to not take it personal, to always have a plan b, to find joy in sleeping alone, to make peace with many nights of being alone...yet im so so hurt and mad. This is not a marriage. Its a sickness with many patients...me, him, and all family that is touched by his moods and absences and then my moods and reactions. Its AWFUL. I think my hp is trying to show me that it aint gettin better, its worse and that ive got little to stay for...but I dont have the get up and go to GO. I sometimes worry that my hp is showing me to get out but im refusing...instead I come here, email my sponsor and slowly die inside. I rarely smile, im on edge all if the time, ive pulled away from church, I never laugh...SO WHY DO I STAY...WHY DO I CARE ABOUT HIM....WHY CANT I JUST SAY ENOUGH...im getting nowhere....

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Fear is powerful. Why stay? Fear.

Fear is the driving force behind his addiction too.

Living in fear of anything kills us inside. You say you stay to not have to share your daughter. Living in the same house with a raging alcoholic is sharing her more than you would if you were separated and she went there periodically. If you stay only for your daughter, that is going to build up a resentment. There is also a chance she will eventually come to you and say "why did you stay?" and she wont get that you did this for her. She will get it if you are happy though and that will have more effect on her than anything. Not encouraging you to leave, but your recovery IS about not living in fear and not being prisoner of someone else's disease.

Also, you might think you "own" your daughter, but she has her own HP and it is also not you. Her father is who he is and that's her journey and task to negotiate - not yours. Anyhow, you sound like a hostage and that is not what your HP has in mind for you. No matter how scary doing something different might be - it will reach a point where different is better than living as a hostage and living in fear.

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

You "see"me...yes....thats me. And sadly as much as it pains me...i stay because I love her sooo much and want her all the time...i know shes not mine to own but I didnt have her to then lose time with her bc of a custody battle. I know id lose time and I just cant bear that...so my goal is to somehow find the tools and the strength to do what I have to be with her...im her rock...until she gets to know her own hp...and I want to be the best mom I can ....at ALL TIMES....&by the grace of God....i hope to be able to stay out divrce. Bless you for your words...

-- Edited by Theoceancalls on Tuesday 12th of March 2013 11:51:21 AM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Re read your post and ask yourself what guidance you would give to a friend who came to you with this post? Do you have a sponsor? I sat in al anon for a few years, still feeling lousy; then my pride took a back seat and I asked someone to be my sponsor. I had decided that my hiding out in my persona was killing me. When my relationship with my sponsor began, so did the guts of my recovery. Sometimes I asked the right questions, like, why do I stay? But I found I was not listening to my HP's answers because looking at me was too painful. I wanted to stay in the damsel in distress mode for a bit longer until I could not stand myself any longer...even admitting this now is hard, as being a damsel in distress was not part of my persona! Stay in touch!

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

All I can say is, I kniw, youre right...i know what id tell someone else and I.know what others tell me but I just cant. I know too that my hp is quite possibly sending me answers I dont want to hear. Im choosing this hell...i know...i could leave and never look back...but theres a child....and I cant just disappear...its a process im not ready or eilling to enter...yet. So.in the meantime...i need support to find peace and sanity. I will stay in touch....thank you gir making me look in the mirror....i know the pic isnt pretty. I want to be that woman who handles it..who makes it ...despite the ah....i want to ...not sure what or how...

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

If I were facing you, I would see a strong, beautiful, caring woman, devoted and over the moon in love with her daughter. Hold that image and see where that takes you...you might be surprised at how life looks to you if you can hold that image...and it does not matter what you choose to do, we will be here to love and support you no matter what

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