"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Overcome · Senior Member

Hello, I'm a newbie...so confused.

astoria · Newbie

I just thought to look on the internet for help and I've found you. Part of me still feels like what am I even doing here...but I do know I need some help learning how to deal with this. I read alot before posting.

One question. If I'm angry, upset, resentful....what do I do in place of the 'silent' treatment? It's the only way I have of responding right now. Anything else would be fake. Am I supposed to be fake? I have anxiety, depression and anger. How do I talk or not talk to the A?

Thank you for any insights or responses at all.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Astoria and welcome to the board. "Fake it till you make it" is a practice slogan. I learned to do different helpful things before I knew if their would work or not. I was faking it and then arrived at doing it for real and so I made it. Al-Anon is a behavioral change program including thinking, feeling and spirit. We learn to do different things and old things differently. My sponsor taught me "opposites". I was so upset and crazy doing my normal anger, resentments and pity party things and I hated it and so he told me that "if what you're doing is causing you pain...do the opposite and get the good feelings. The opposite of anger is acceptance...just the fact of things...that they are and are happening and they are what they are. The opposite of resentment is forgiveness...I use to fall all over this one because I judged so much...myself and others, and rather than accept what he was telling me I would just react and say "I CAN'T DO THAT!!" and he paused and replied...It isn't that you can't...it's that you won't and I had to step up my trust in the program and want it more than the day before. The opposite of poor me's and envy and jealousy is gratitude...good old generic gratitude for all that I have without counting what I don't and how bad things are for me I do that opposite...willingly or else I start bruising and bleeding and weeping and wailing all over myself. The opposite of confusion? Open mindedness. Sit down, listen, learn, practice practice practice. Keep coming back...In support. ((((hugs))))

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

its called detachment with love. so you might not engage conversation while hes drunk but you can be polite and civil but with boundaries. it does sound complicated and i needed to read and read the literature i got at al-anon. glad you reached out, its a great start.x

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome, and glad you found us...

You've received some great responses thus far - the only thing I would add is what I was taught very early in my "recovery" by my Al-Anon sponsor...."my focus was on my A, rather than on myself".... The more you can focus your time, energy, and attention on YOU and what YOU need to do in order to get yourself healthy, the less worried you'll be about what he does or doesn't do...

Take care, and keep coming back

Tom

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You go to meetings, get a sponsor, do step work, and take care of yourself to the point that you no longer feel so angry and resentful. The way you are talking makes it sound like you have no recourse. The recourse you have to is focus on you more and rid yourself of the resentment. If that means you wind up eventually distancing yourself from the alcoholic, well...so be it, but it will be a spiritual and logical decision then and not just an angry one.

astoria · Newbie

I'm not sure how to reply to all of your responses so I hit on this 'quick reply'....hope it works.
I attended a meeting on Saturday and I did get alot out of it. Amazingly I learned to act lovingly (the other half of what I feel) and yet detach from expecting any particular response back. Someone said those that are the most unloveable are those that need love the most.
My situation has been on the good part of the rollercoaster the last few days. My A is actually a prescription drug addict. Our cycle is she gets her full bundle (morphine, oxy, sleep meds.) once a month. She is great for a few days...happy, social, conversational. Then we progress to her getting kind of stupid and zoned out. From there (about 10 days in) it is just total isolation and sleep. I suspect she runs out early and spends the last week in a detox state. That is when she does'nt even bother to eat.
I told her today I went to a meeting and she and I both got kind of sad...but at first she was all denial. Then she said she was'nt stupid and she does realize the rollercoaster of her life.
I told her my intentions of 'taking care of me' Not taking care of her, checking on her, nagging her, blah blah blah.
She actually said she APPRECIATED my doing those things! I told her it was horrible for me.

I will keep on attending that Saturday meeting. And checking in here. Our good time should last another 3 or 4 days and then it's up to me to keep my own life in balance and let her flounder. I think I can do that. It is lonely tho. But I can find ways to keep myself happy and healthy....I hope

giraffe13 · Senior Member

It IS lonely, but somehow you take it day by day and say, "The future comes one day at a time." and somehow, you get through it .. :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"