The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
If you've seen the movie "Inception" this will make sense, if not, it's a great movie and you should see it. ;) **spoiler below!!**
I feel like Leonardo D.'s character and AH is his wife. I feel so spun out living in reality when his reality (drug-induced) is so false to me. He was clean for less than a week this time and is now actively using again. We connected a bit during the withdrawal, but he knows I'm spent and working toward options to leave (better job/money to pay bills on my own, etc). Now that he's using again he's in full-blown "I love you" mode. And he keeps trying to placate me and show me the attention I've been dreaming of-all in a warped way. But that's not love-that's love in HIS world, not mine.
I'm torn by the heart flutters initially at his sweet words/ideas, but angry that they're just manipulations. But to him they're real feelings and trying to reconnect. I can't enjoy them because I know they're just like the movie dream world-perfect but fake.
The movie wife was willing to die to prove her reality was real. She died for her fantasy, and that's what AH is doing too. I'm in so much pain and confusion I don't know to cope.
Thanks for listening, and any advice would be greatly appreciated. I know I can't live in his reality, but I can't seem to live in mine and handle his at the same time (just handle, not even trying to control, lol)
You are handling it. One day at a time. Of course an addict is convinced they can have their cake and eat it too. He is fully convinced he can use and be a good husband (even if there are reservations about that - the disease has him in it's grips to the point that it tells him this enough for him to at least believe it at times). I do identify with what you are saying though. This is why when we are still angry and unfulfilled in our relationships with A's - they act all indignant (if challenged) and talk about all the nice things they did and how good they have been and how can you possibly say or think that the drugs or alcohol are doing these bad things....Blah blah.
In the end, I wanted to either be on my own and/or be with someone that was grounded/reliable/spiritually sound - I wanted a mature relationship. Intoxicated "I love yous" remind me of high school/college relationships. It means a lot more when someone stable, grounded, and someone that has a solid self-identity says that rather than someone immature and manipulative (like A's tend to be).
So yes - I understand. Probably most/all of us can identify. Your task now is to take care of you. You are handling all of this. It may seem hard but it's not literally killing you. One way or another you will make the choices that are right for you. You will be okay. Have faith and keep reaching out.
I did see the movie and agree with your analysis and understand how you are feeling Alanon meetings gave me the tools, the support, the change in attitude that I needed to be able to live my life in a constructive manner. Detachment, living one day at a time, focused on myself, my needs, trusting PH gave me back my self esteem, my ability to have compassion, without fixing, love myself enough to take care of me first without destroying any one else
I urge you to check out face to face meetings in your community and attend for a few months
