The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so stressed out today. My AH's domestic violence case is scheduled for trial. He refuses to hire any attorney. He says I need to fix this. I know that sounds crazy, but part of me, a big part of me, does feel responsible. I honestly knew that he was not violent. The reason I called the police that day was in the hopes that it would open his eyes and get him into a recovery program of some sort. And it did, he voluntarily went to detox, and now to an outpatient program. He is now diagnosed as bipolar, mild schizophrenic. This morning I asked him if he would please see an atty with me, as I don't want him to have to deal with these legal issue, while he is also dealing with his outpatient treatment. I see how much stress and anxiety he has. I saw how he was in court at the pre-trial hearing. He is just so adamant that he will not speak to an attorney, he says is innocent and he will just go to the trial and say that. He also said he just doesnt' care what happens. He truly doesn't care. He said he is suicidal and just out of a psych ward and he just doesn't care. I don't what to take seriously, I don't know how much of this insanity is due to the mental illness, the alcholohism, the fact that he has been sober for 2 weeks, oh lordy, my head is spinning.
I've been trying to get in touch with his clinical case worker all day and I can't get a call back. I am just so sick about all this, and I know I must breathe and stop worrying, but man oh man, is it hard today.
I don't know the specifics of your case but I am also going to court with my husband next week. I called the police on him because he was threatening me and tearing our house apart one night while intoxicated. He ended up being arrested for DUI because he tried to leave when the cops arrived. I have also had feelings of guilt over calling the police and wishing I could make it just go away. But ultimately he is responsible for his actions. There has been violence in our marriage in the past so I did have reason to believe he would follow through on his threats. Even if there has been no violence you never know when it will happen. I was with my husband for 7 years of no violence or threats of any kind before the first time he beat me so badly I thought he would kill me. I don't know if threats were the reason you called the police but that is unacceptable. I'm sure you have put up with crazy and unacceptable behavior over the years just like everyone else on this board has. I have decided that I will not acceIpt any behavior from my husband that I would not from anyone else. While it is our natural tendency to feel sorry for them and make excuses we are not doing them or ourselves any favors by accepting their unacceptable behavior. I have.anxiety about what will happen when we go to court on Wednesday but I have to keep telling myself that if he's innocent the judge will see that. If not he must face the consequences of his actions. If your husband is innocent he has nothing to worry about and you have nothing to feel guilty about. Being in these crazy relationships we lose perspective of what is normal and what is acceptable. I would never have called the police on my husband unless I felt that I had no choice. I reached my breaking point with him that night and I imagine you felt the same way when you called the police on your husband.
I hope your trial goes the way it needs to go. Have faith in that.
I will say that this program asks of me to practice honesty and to keep my side of the fence clean so that I can be absolutely sure that whatever consequences the A is facing are not due to my actions or behaviors.
Stick to facts instead of emotions, as that's what the court and judge will be interested in.
As what was mentioned before, if you were threatened by him, you did what you felt you must for your safety at that time. Do you think, however, that it would be an honest move to tell the courts you know he's not violent? Questions only you get to answer.
I got my ex a arrested and then spent the next few months feeling guilty until it went to court. Oh the guilt was horrendous at the time. It chipped away at my self esteem. I thought what kind of wife am I? Im actually crazy for over reacting so much because he was never actually violent. I begged for his forgiveness. That was 12 yrs ago. Now though I can see this was just another part of my denial and him being such a cunning manipulator, I mean expert!!! He had me thinking exactly what he wanted ne too. The facts however are the truth that allow me to see that no. I was right he behaved aggressively one too many times and I finally acted. He never took past experiences or a build up of anxiety and the fact he had ripped the phone from the wall. Paris, he is making you doubt yourself. He behaved badly. Fact. He will twist it but you don't have too.x
