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Well, at least my mentality took a turn, that's for sure. We had marriage counseling yesterday, it didn't go well. I need someone to tell me to NOT listen to his insanity. He says I don't care about the house anymore and that right there was insane: I have planted new shrubs, I clean, I vacuum, I take care of the pool and the yard, etc. I have no idea where that one came from?! He is seriously angry about not getting sex from me, but I told him I still don't trust him because he is risking EVERYTHING to be able to drink and then drive while illegally driving rental cars, ugh. Of course, that's among other things that are going wrong, LOL. He will not address the drinking because he wants to know: What's in it for me if I do? He said that I disrespect him and that I encourage our son to do so, as well. Umm, he's 14, he's gonna test his boundaries too every once in a while, what did he expect? Perfection?
He said that if I cheat, it's over. Again? With the cheating thing? He said that his drinking is acceptable, though, but if I cheat it's not. I swear, it is truly insanity and I have to work very hard at my program to not get sucked in or defend myself. I try to be compassionate. I know he's hurting, but he didn't like the fact that I revealed that I saw a lawyer to find out what my legal rights are and how to protect myself from his actions. I slipped up there because the counselor asked something that triggered me to bring it up and I knew it was the wrong thing to say. He then said that I will be very lonely in my next relationship. As untrue as I knew that was, it's still hard to hear when it's thrown at you like that.
He said that I need to toughen up and lighten up when he jokes with me about being an enabler. Hmm, don't think so. He's been harping on me for years for being an enabling mother, not sure I think it's funny when he cracks a joke these days. Seriously? I'm too sensitive, I'm not tough enough to handle him, etc. Wow! That's all I have right now, is WOW.
Please remind me to stay off the crazy train. Should be easy right now because he's giving me the silent treatment. He won't even make eye contact and I'm being gentle and friendly and taking care of the house, the kid, and the dog while he sleeps in. I even sent him an apology email last night just telling him that I was sorry things got out of hand in counseling and that I was a bit out of line. Anyway, I am spending my day connecting with my HP and then going to a much needed meeting tonight!
I'm so sorry that your having such a rough time with this. It seems to calm down for a while and then pick right up again. But we know it's the craziness of the disease.
In the past I would say things to my AS and then turn around in the next hour and apologize. Now when I say something I mean what I say and say what I mean to the best of my ability. No need for a apology. I do my best to be kind but let the rest go because if I fly off the handle I regret it. Oh....don't get me wrong...I can get very angry at him...just try and not say hurtful things. Those things I ask my HP to take away from me.
The no eye contact and not speaking is just a ploy to suck you back in so he will feel rewarded with control in my opinion.
Today just take some deep breaths and enjoy the rain.....
Take care my friend..
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
You are lonely in your current relationship .. good grief.
Stay off the crazy train and remember to be gentle with yourself. That whole thing is about punishing and controlling about no eye contact, keep doing what you are doing.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Detachment is artform and Al-Anon is art school. There are soooo many brushes to remember I have...I use to do the same defend, accuse, react and so much more that indicated that the disease of insanity was firmly rooted in my life...that is until I got great sponsorship and use to listen with an open mind at meetings. I learned to see our perspective from the alcoholic/addicts perspective and ask my self could I see it like she saw it and had to admit that yes standing in her shoes I could see it the same way even when the reality was missing. One wasn't wrong and one right...it's all perspective. I don't have to deny my perspective and attitude because she had a different one; I kept mine and let her deal with it just like I was dealing with it. The alcoholic and victim cannot exist in the very same space and place at the same time...that is impossible. I learned how to say honestly, "you may be right" or "I can see it the way you see it and I don't accept it as reality for me". QTIP is a huge slogan..."Quit taking it personally" helped me to stop fighting...those are some of my practices. This week I've been working in the apartment/rental industry doing evictions. All these people that I just let or invite into my brain dirty shoes and loud voices and all. I've been evicting them all and opening the door to let them out. Many of them don't know how they got there and so many others wouldn't want to be if asked.
Learn your part and change it how and when you can. Meetings, sponsors, literature...step work and slogan work. This program works where few other things will and only when I work it on purpose. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Glad you have a meeting available to you. Sounds like your active AH is worried about losing control over you. You saw an attorney - good for you, good self care. Your husband now knows you mean business. Suddenly, you aren't in that one down position anymore, you're looking for new avenues and answers for your own future. The ridicule about not being able to take his jokes, the silent treatment, turning the tables and letting you know what he won't tolerate lol, all tactics to undermind your confidence in yourself as a woman, a partner and a person. No one can take your dignity without your permission. You don't need to be a part of his misery making. Hope your meeting is a good one. Hugs TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
you are doing so well, the proof is hes pulling out all the stops trying to get a reaction from you. maybe he feels threatened by your strength. keep your serenity. take care.x
Thanks everyone. I'm in a crappy mood today. Just tired of the BS and being treated as 'less than'. Sigh, I think it's time to stop the marriage counseling because it just aggravates us more and makes things worse. Until I am ready to deal with his wrath again, if ever, anyway.
