The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been separated from my AH for about out a month now. I finally got to the point where I was truly happy and saw a new future for myself, when my AH asked me to join him for family night at his rehab center. I went for a few reasons. First I was shocked and flattered that he invited me after shutting me out at the last place. Second of all I thought it would be good for the kids if I went. Finally I was just plain curious. When I was there I began to get very angry and resentful...feelings that I thought I was through with. I was mad that I was spending three hours being lectured to about things I already knew because I have been living it. I left still feeling very angry and swore I was just done with all of it. Half way home I began to feel very emotional. I decided to reach out and give him a call. I thanked him for inviting me. We had a very nice conversation for the first time in a long time, followed by another one the next day. Now I am finding myself missing him and wondering if I should go through with the divorce. I came to the decision to put the divorce on hold for a few months to see what treatment has in store for him....and me. Today we tried to talk and found ourselves wrapped up in another argument and a few minutes after I hung up the phone I could not even remember what we were arguing about. I think I just have so much resentment and bitterness that until I can let that go I will not be able to participate in a successful marriage.
I know that feeling. I left marriage counseling feeling the same way today. Just too much resentment, etc. We can get along on the surface and sometimes even have normal conversations but when it comes down to the emotional stuff and the connection we should have as a married couple, it's just not there.
One thing I remind myself is that I don't have to make a decision today and that it's OK to put things on hold if that is what is needed. It's very normal to miss what we had with our A's and to want that back again. I know I want it so badly sometimes and I see inklings of it on quiet normal days. But, days like today when he's yelling at me and defending his behavior AGAIN in therapy, I just give up. There is nothing more I can do except sit back, give it up to my HP, and pray and pray some more. Hugs to you, I know how hard this is.
I understand where you are at. All I can say is listen with your eyes and remember you have the right to change your mind. Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Aloha Imom...you and he had some progress...soooo you can have progress. Your mentioning not knowing about the decision had me hearing my former sponsor's slogan which he gave me..."When in doubt...don't". That one helped me soooo much and I was able to put off without problem some decisions that I was confused about until a later time...I didn't default into just reacting. His second slogan gift for me was..."Don't React"...ironically his name was Don.T!! LOL. He was one of a handful of recovery guardian angels I called sponsors. Have you got yours yet? The opposite of resentment is forgiveness...that is also a recovery lesson for me and given choices or carrying resentments and not I can forgive anyone. I hate resentments. I hope you are making face to face Al-Anon meetings in your area and are considering chosing a sponsor. There is no need to suffer when solutions are close at hand. ((((hugs))))...keep coming back; this works when you work it.
