Is this denial - Al-Anon Family Group

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Is this denial

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Cathy

There is nothing wrong in emailing your son and telling him you love him.

I find his response interesting :

If I could choose I would have obviously had chosen a different path. No one chooses to have bad things happen to them.

This is all so very true NO no one chooses to be an alcoholic as it is a disease-- however one can choose not to have bad things happen to them as a result of their behavior by seeking recovery, from this dreadful disease. That was the message you were attempting to relay to him .

I am not giving advise here but I would agree with him that he is correct, that no one would choose this disease and then validate my position and confirm the message I had intended to state. You can do this in your mind and know that your motives were based on love and not manipulation.

oldergal · Senior Member

C, I'd have to say it is denial, but I think it is more that he "doesnt get it" he doesnt understand the disease and how it effects every part of one's life, its hard to have perspective when you are in the middle of chaos. He needs someone to sit down with him "AA" and get his full attention and tell him like it is. But I think they may have to penetrate a stubborn person. But this same stubborness can work for him in the reverse for good. And I must add this YOU are doing a great job, I know it is not easy Cathy....hang in there.

Praying here, in support, Oldergal

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

My experience is almost a shadow of Oldergals. That is what happened for me..."I didn't get it" because "I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know". The AMA definition of Alcoholism that we use to read at the start of the Al-Anon meetings when I first got here helped me to understand...and I'm still coming to understand. Stay on it Cathy...the only denial you need to take of is your own...where ever you discover it. Loving your son isn't a part of your denial...that one is real...caring for him and others...real, being and giving and loving person specifically...real again...and more. (((((hugs))))) smile

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy, I think you were just letting him know you love him and want the best for him. Isnt that part of our program? Detach with love.x

cnh502 · Member

May I ask how long he has been in recovery?

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi again

I love all the responses but I have to agree with Betty. He does get it. He knows the disease inside and out. He can talk for hours about it. He just won't seek the help he needs for go into recovery. He has a God problem with AA and he's too lazy to go to Sober Recovery. He knows he's going to die if he doesn't get help. Sometimes I think he just wants to die.

Now that I have said what I said above.....I have to stop and think....maybe he doesn't get it.

I can't know either way because I'm not in his head I guess.

I just have to continue to be in control of me and think and learn from others. Everyday is a learning experience and I'm getting it.....little by little I'm getting it.

Jerry......you hit the Cathy on the head. I'm still in denial. go figure...

Pray that the changes I have made will put the denial to rest for my son...and he will seek recovery.

((( hugs )))

AngelicH57 · Senior Member

Cathy, I know it's hard to watch your child's life go down the drain because it's killing me too. {{{Hugs}}

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy its strange, I learned more going back to college in life things, than acacemics!!

There is a huge difference in knowing something and believing it. People KNOW smoking is bad for them, but until they get lung cancer, they don't believe it. Some can stop some cannot but now they believe it.

I knew the way I ate was bad. I got older and felt so crummy, did not like my body at all.
then ding dong, I believed it, changed my way of eating, and bingo down four sizes in about 5 months and lost nine more pounds since Jan. Just eating right. NO NO nothing junk. no cookies no nothing. cept fudge cicles, non fat....yum.

He knows it all that is so right. But this is where his losing his car, ending up really with no where to sleep or take a shower, no heat, no ac, no bathroom, no hot water,no privacy.....this is what we pray for that once they get sooo sick of it they would rather much rather not use and live like that than living and using. They finally believe it and do something about it.

Well I did it recently. I knew that the way my guy and talking was wrong. I looked for excuses and blah blah, then I realized I was not close to my hp anymore. What a horrible feeling. So I prayed and put it in his hands. Please help our relationship to be pleasing to you. And it is now. I believe it. We continue to keep it appropriate and moral.

Of course you talked to him. no big deal to me. You did great, pray for him and I love yous are great. I told you so many times for people I have loved, I could only love them, nothing else. not enable, but love them.

You are doing grea! lots of love,debilyn

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy big hugs, your post struck me because I heard a simular statement from my stbax. Personally, at the time it was a way to blame and avoid his responsibilities. Yes, he is sick however he's still responsible for his choices and consequences. It's a slow process. Keep taking care of you. Hugs p :)

John · ~*Service Worker*~

My thoughts and heart are with you on this journey regarding the son. I am going down the same road... struggling with whether I should make a right or a left...

But what really matters is at the end of the day...

I didn't help him, but I didn't hurt him...

And I want to give him a huge hug...

With both hands around his darn neck! LOL

You are doing great! It is never wrong to be the best parent you can, to express both disappointments and love, followed by a dash of hope in one paragraph of words is what I think you did.

As for someone choosing the life they have... no, alcoholics didn't choose it... but today they have a option, there is a solution, a way out... its called recovery.

John

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