help me. I am riddled with stress right now over what my partner is out doing! - Al-Anon Family Group

giraffe13 · Senior Member

help me. I am riddled with stress right now over what my partner is out doing!

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

Get the book, Getting Them Sober, Vol. 1 by Toby Rice Drews. SO helpful. You can read a lot of it online if you google it to tide you over until you can get it. You're not alone - we get it.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Giraffe)))) welcome to the family...we are the support so that you won't have to go thru this alone. There is lots of recovery here which was earned over time and so you will have to do the time along with getting some of the ESH we can pass along. Expectations? That was one of my lessons. Sponsor told me to get rid of them because if she continued to drink and use I wouldn't feel hurt because my expectations were fulfilled and if she didn't drink and use to feel pleasantly surprised and let it go. How Al-Anon works with a sponsor is much better along with a home group and telephone numbers...that's what worked for me even while she, my wife who had a life threatening disease was fulfilling expectations. Step one says ..."Admitted we were powerless and..." Might as well do some TV and then go to sleep or read and go to sleep or anything else that is helpful and go to sleep. ((((hugs)))) smile

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Something that has helped me a great deal is open AA meetings. Even the speaker meetings are something that reminds me over and over that recovery for anyone is not easy. The biggest thing I can give my STBAX is to allow him to figure things out on his own. What I can do differently is focus on my own program of recovery. Ironically when they go into a program oi recovery we do respond by getting worse in our own stuff. Keep taking care of you. It's going to get better you are not alone. Hugs p :)

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Al-Anon advises us not to do anything hastily. That said, you are free to call him up and just say that it's over, as you mention. There is no obligation to stay with a relapsing alcoholic who makes you miserable. The truth I wish someone had told me earlier is that the majority of alcoholics do not find longterm sobriety. The statistics are that something like 15-25% of those who start AA stick with it eventually and become sober. So the odds are great that the way your relationship is now is the way it will remain, with the proviso that alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse.

As I understand and have experienced, it, truthfully, one reason that Al-Anon advises us to consider carefully before making any big decisions is that often we don't have the strength and tools to stick with them until we have been in the program a while. So we break up with our A, feel awful, crumble, get back together, things are good for a bit, then the alcoholism becomes bad again, we break up again, we feel awful, we crumble, we get back together... It takes some practice and perspective not to be at the mercy of our emotional swings. But, that said, if things are terrible, don't feel that you have to stay with him. You are free to separate at any point. Do realize that every decision you make, to go or to stay, is yours and you are not stuck.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

When I came to AA, I was pretty much completely honest but my obsession to drink was lifted like immediately. I never "fell off the wagon" (knock on wood). I only have opinions about what made my recovery stick the first time (again knock on wood cuz I could still relapse if I'm not vigilant) but I think it's a full fledged surrender to AA and a new way of life. When I started going to AA, it was like 10 meetings a week. a sponsor, a step group...while working full time. There was no way to "lie" to anyone cuz it was so obvious my life was about recovery. That is how bad I wanted it and that is how bad he will have to want it to make it work. Unfortunately people want the sobriety with the least amount of work and change as possible. It does not work that way. I can't tell you what it will take for your BF to get to the point of a full surrender and really really working AA like it's supposed to be. None of us know when God (or whatever his HP is) will intervene and he will receive that grace. Your task is to recognize that whatever gets him to the point of full surrender will be a nonhuman power. In a way it's disappointing because you would like to think he could recovery FOR YOU...but it doesn't work that way. In another way knowing he can't do it for you or with you is a relief. It is freeing because you are not responsible for him "getting it" for breathing some desire or willingness into him. It doesn't rest on you and that is a burden you do not have to suffer.

Prayers are with you.

afglin · Senior Member

i learned very early that it did not good at all to ask him if he had been drinking. He would lie every time. It is sad that you feel disgusting because of the way he is acting. I read in our literature that we ALLOW them to make us feel the way we do. And the only way we can avoid being a doormat is to get up off the floor. You can be strong. You can be successful. You can be happy. And in my case I did all three and stayed WITH mine...even though he continued to drink. I totally understand the thing abotu going out of town for business. Mine was sober once for 2 years. I ahd to fly to anohter state for 3 days for business andhe relapsed and never looked back. His drinking continued. Soo the 45 years we have been married the longest ahs been sober is those 2 years.

Sad thing abotu the disease. It gets worse before it gets better.

I agree with the post abotu the books GETTING THEM SOBER. Excellent books! they are not "Conference approved literature" so they can't be shared at a meeting, but they sure gave me alot of hiope and insight and understanding of how the program works.

Hang in there.
Dont allow yourself to feel disgusting any more. HE is the one making the poor choices.

LIN

giraffe13 · Senior Member

ugh. Guys. I cannot express how much your sincere words mean to me in these posts. It is a warm feeling and I shall be coming back here, often. Every single post I read slowly, thought about it all and there are a lot of truths here.

15-25% is an awfully low percentage.:( I finally came to the conclusion this week that he truly has no real intention of staying sober, because if he did Pinkchip he would be working the program like you said. My inner voice told me that this week after I realized he had lied to me last week. (In a very cunning way I might add which made it sting even more.) He should be going to meetings more than once a week, in fact he doesn't share with me if he is even going. You just " know " when someone is dead serious about helping them-self, and like you said everyone in your life knew b/c it WAS your life.

I get sad and overwhelmed when I think about these things, because I am 31 and really wanting to get married in the next few years. This obviously does not look like it is anywhere close to that stage with his denial almost fully there still. My next thought would be, " well then I should just leave him." And we all know how difficult that is, for us. My brain doesn't comprehend that next thought, nor do I feel strong enough to do it. I feel I wouldn't be able to get up in the morning. And I miss him even now, feeling bad that I am "dependent" to that extent and cant make a logical responsible decision based on FACTS like a normal person who dates. The truth is, lately I have become increasingly good at hiding my dependency, and silently working on my anxiety through al-anon and "getting them sober." All four books I devoured in 2 months. It was the turning point for me to understand that showing him those weaknesses perpetuated a deeper dependency on my part and a deeper sickness and hunger for power on his end. I hid it, and then worked to change it. It did get much better but now seems to not have improved at all, or it could be that I am greatly discouraged from the fact that I feel this anxious for the first time in a long time.. and I allowed myself to show him that instead of work it out and calm myself. It feels like a huge set-back. I hope this period will pass, and I will continue where I left off with my progress, and program. :)

Detaching was becoming easier for me! and my life was improving, I could see my work getting better and social life. I had Hope and happiness in little things again. Now I am pushing myself to get through a day of meals, and drinking water. :( Can't focus on those other things. So back to step 1.

I finally decided this tonight , especially after reading these posts. I may not be able to break up with him right now and it is too fear driven which will lead to more pain. Secondly, I may need to really limit how much time we actually spend together because for some reason lately.. even 1 night of him sleeping over puts me in a depression and causes this. If I am waking up alone, and we just met for dinner or a movie I maintain my sanity and grip on this disease. We have our own apartments, but the last 8 months we have been basically living together everyday at my place when he was not even considering AA. I had read "getting them sober" and was able to detach and slowly felt my positivity growing for myself and strength. Even with him under my nose everyday. That felt like progress. But him going into AA is a "new phase" of learning how to deal now, b/c it has introduced a lot of deciept and lying about the drinking, hurt, shame, guilt on both our parts, and withdrawl on his. (scary stuff.) The depression and anxiety I feel are all new again, and I am having to operate in a different set of circumstances and still find that same peace. (difficult.) So I am accepting tonight that I may not be able to have him live with me like before under these new conditions. I tried to let him sleep over 1 night out of 10 this past week, and it just led to this episode of anxiety and extreme fear and torment I remember from the old days. blankstare Not good.

I will have to explain to him that I just cant have him sleeping over. I don't know how I am going to do that, as he tends to get depressed, call me " cold, selfish, hurtful, abandoning," and proceeds to go into a dark place. I guess I will figure it out as I go.

(((Thanks Guys)))

-- Edited by giraffe13 on Thursday 7th of March 2013 11:14:59 PM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.