The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband is a high-functioning alcoholic, and battles depression and anxiety as well. He's on medication for the latter two, and has been working on the alcohol. We've been together for 13 years, and looking back I realize that he suffered for a long time and neither of us knew what to do or even what was going on. He sees a counselor about once a month, but refuses to go to AA. He 'wants to do it on his own.' He doesn't miss work, spend all our money, abuse me, cheat on me, or do many of the sad and horrible things a lot of people have to go through. He's done everything I've asked on the road to recovery except stop drinking. I feel like I should be pleased with him and the progress he's made. He should be proud.
Instead, I'm exhausted. The majority of this comes from him hiding his drinking and lying to me about it a few times over. I know he drinks far less than he did, but the hiding and lying is new. Every time I confront him and tell him he realizes it damages our marriage. The lies are almost worse than the drinking. I would rather him do it front of me so I don't have to poke around in his space, or watch his every move, or worry if he's drinking more or less. I still wouldn't be happy about him drinking at all, but at least in the open we could work on it together and I would know what I'm coming home to every day.
I think I'm finally realizing how much this has all damaged me. I had no idea. I've always, always been an advocate of taking care of yourself first. Take care of #1 (yourself), then you can help everyone else. I wasn't living by my own words. With all of the support I've given, the fights, the reconcilliations, the progress, the setbacks...it's all been for him. Now, when we might be close to the end, when there might actually be an end in sight, I'm unhappy. I hear inside my head, 'What about me?! When can we do something for me??' But I know that alcoholics must focus on recovery.
I thought we knew where we were going, but now I don't know. I'm just lost. Do I step away, and we focus on healing ourselves? Will that make the rift between us that much more expansive? What if he just keeps lying and drinking - how can I be sure I can trust him again? I thought we were on a road, and now it's like it just opened into a wasteland with no direction. What do I do now?
Also, thank you all in advance for listening and any words you may have. I don't think anyone here can say they thought this is where they would be in life, but now that I am I am so glad there is support like this out there. It really makes you appreciate what you have, and be aware that you never know what is going on in someone else's life. Bright blessings.
One of the things I have heard in meetings that has been helpful is something along the lines of 'it is too difficult for most people to live with an alcoholic'. So to me this means if you ARE living with an alcoholic (drinking, sober, in recovery, white knuckling it) it is necessary to have support. This is a great place to hear of others' experiences and learn from the strength of their stories.
If you have never been to a face to face meeting I would highly recommend..very helpful! And of course the message boards here, and the chat room has meetings twice a day.
We are all here to support one another...keep comng back!
Welcome Spider.... so many thoughts come to mind reading your post, and not judgemental.....
Alcoholic cannot "control" their drinking (long term, at least) or there would be no such thing as.... alcoholics & alcoholism.
To me, it sounds like you are BOTH in a similar state of denial about his drinking, but kudos to you for taking that scary first step.... I would encourage you to read "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews.... it is one of the best, most informative books out there. It taught me so much, and started me on my road to recovery.
Alcoholism is said to be a 'cunning and baffling' disease, and your post is further evidence of this fact.... cunning in the way that he can do "just enough" to keep his head above water (sort of), whether that is with you, the job, or life in general..... baffling in that it makes little or no sense why an otherwise upstanding human being would take to lying to his wife about his alcohol intake, etc, etc...
The other thing to keep in mind, is that alcoholism is also progressive.... left untreated, it WILL get worse.
Now, most of the above might sound like doom and gloom, but there IS hope (as long as there is life, there is hope). The key is, to get yourself educated & healthy - i.e. choose recovery for YOU first, as you have definitely been affected by his alcoholism
Please keep coming back - there are many great folks on here, who will share their love, support, and experiences with you
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Spider, my AH probably doesn't even fit the clinical definition of an alcoholic or functioning alcoholic. He's a binge drinker yet he still lies, denies, blames, and twists things around to suit his issue. He, too, has dealt with problems stemming from anxiety, depression, anger issues, etc and that's really what brings about the drinking. Until he got a DUI, I saw that the real problems were the lying, the blame shifting, gas lighting, etc and it was driving me crazy. I got wrapped up in 'fixing' him, but the DUI was a huge kick in the rear for me as I saw where he was headed. I did all the things that you did in trying to control his drinking at home: Where did he hide that gin bottle? I'll just go look and see if I can see how much he's drinking, etc. It got me nowhere. I'm sure you've already realized this and that's what's brought you here. Oh, and my AH is on meds for the anxiety AND for his ADHD, too, so I can relate to a good portion of your story. We've been married 17 years.
The best thing I did for myself was find Al Anon meetings. I read a lot of books including the ones that Tom recommended, which really helped the most in the beginning. What really happened for me over this past year is that my own eyes were open to the marriage problems we were having. I learned about my own denial and how to start dealing with it. I learned the phrase: awareness, acceptance, and action. yes, I became aware of our problems and how deepseated they were. I am learning to accept AH for who he is and now I have to decide if I can accept living with his unacceptable actions or not. And, then I can take action as these things become revealed to me.
I know you are struggling. There are so many of us here in similar situations. My AH didn't beat me, cheat on me, etc but because of his anger issues and other problems(including a personality disorder) he was/is passive aggressive, mean, condescending, and hurtful with his words. So, I've learned that I have choices. I can choose to live with him and find ways to cope or I can leave. And, he has choices too, he can choose to drink or find AA and get a real program of healing and sobriety. I have to give him the dignity as a human being with free will to find his own way so I've stepped aside and stepped off his crazy making train. Is it going well? NOPE. He hates it. He wants me micromanaging him. He thrives on conflict and arguing and I won't engage anymore. So, as eye opening as this past year has been, it's also been a VERY tough year for me. Hugs to you as you start this journey, keep coming back!
Thank you all for your kind words. I will keep coming back, and (when I'm ready) I'll probably find a meeting. It's been so helpful already to read what other people are struggling with, the advances they've made, their successes, and their missteps. After posting and reading for several hours I realized what I'm hoping will be the direction I need to go.
I don't need to do this. This is not for me to fix. This is all him, and me watching him all the time, worrying about if he's drinking or not, making his alcoholism the center of our marriage is not conductive to a healthy relationship. It's making me crazy and miserable, and it obviously doesn't work. I'm not the alcohol police. I'm not his mother, and I'm not responsible for the choices he makes. Of course I want him to make choices that make our marriage work, and make things good between us, but I have to do the same.
I told him this, and told him I wasn't going to keep after him. He said that someone had to, and I told him that someone was him. It's his responsibility, and his choice. On the suggestion of a friend we're going to watch a 4-part documentary together about addiction. I want him to see how much it affects his body - how is physically shrinks and damages his brain. Otherwise, I'm going to focus on making more positive changes in our lives. Get more exercise, go out and do fun things, eat better, all that jazz. If he does get drunk, I'm just going to start removing myself from the situation. I don't like him when he's drunk, and I don't want to be around him. Maybe he'll realize he drives me away when he drinks if I'm actually, physically gone. Then, if it gets to the point where I can't do it any more, I'll have to leave.
We had a good night last night. He stuck to beer, and just had two (vodka is his demon - I don't know why but beer never seems to affect him the way hard liquor does. Weird.) We cooked together, had more interesting conversations than we'd had in awhile. I was happy to be his wife again. I'm going to enjoy the up while it lasts, and I'm thankful I still have hope.
Something that I have been wondering about. What does everyone think about any connection between alcohol and pot? Do you all know many alcohols who switch back and forth between the two? I'm 90% sure he started drinking more when he quit smoking pot, and that because he's been doing it for so long (and because of his anxiety and depression) he's just used to having some sort of crutch to help him deal instead of facing his problems and emotions head on. Thoughts?
