The material presented
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I'm actually back to myself, and my life more or less in balance... there is lots to do still, and there will always be, but at least I have my peace back.... without that i couldn't walk so steady.
So yesterday again my ex ABF contacted me, with a small text saying 'how are you?'.... I didn't reply,...because I simply am without words. i don't know what to tell him, and I don't know what he would use this for afterwards. and I don't know if this is an honest question. I don't know who is asking, the manipulative or the caring.
I don't post here to ask you what to say to him or when.... because I am actually just conscious about my peace at present and I will protect that and defend that, for now....all the rest is a consequence of that choice.
But I come here to admit that he gets through my conscience. and that makes me a little nervous. After all the pain I've been through, and after all the cheating and lies, he now tries to retie the bonds... and I feel I'm the one who is letting him down.He wants me back in his boat, and I refuse and I see him drifting off in the fog (dramatic image, i know, but I'm a romantic...lol...but actually that describes my feeling right now) A part of me sure misses him, so right now I kind of feel cold-hearted and hard on him (even if he abused me verbally and mentally too much...kind of insane) I don't even know if his strugge is real...but I can't care for that at this time...maybe in the future, but not now.
I'm just trying to stick to my boundaries this time, and I kind of know this is the right choice for me...but why does it feel so uncomfortable? this is not me, I'm not cold, I don't want to let him all by himself...surely not. That's against my human nature actually. But I cannot trust him at the same time, it doesn't feel safe to reach out a hand. not now.
if any of you has any ESH share, maybe that would help me keep my direction steady. is this fear or something?
Good Morning Tortuga, your feeling and doing something new and different, and your old thinking is trying to step in, you have really answered your own questions, you just need the confidence and support and encouragement to carry that through, this is a very important acknowledgment, your kind heart wants to belive this latest ploy to hook you back in, is sincere, arn't we masters of being able to read into things too much, yours in support.
Sometimes I see life as a series of lessons and one of the lessons that I have found it difficult to learn is the one where I am supposed to trust the uncomfortable feeling inside and hear what it is saying - so often I've allowed it to be drowned out by my optimistic Disney voice.
I love that image of the figure drifting off into the fog (its something of a cold mist in my mind!)
Thanks Tortuga, I value your posts and the thoughts they inspire.
lol...optimistic Disney voice...that is quite a good description.it gets to me as well...often!! Trust is difficult, especially in myself...guess that's the lesson i've to focus on most right now. Thanks Katy and milkwood
Hello Tortuga and (((hugs))) my sister - you and I are walking a similar path right now. My therapist says my STBXAH is having "seller's remorse" right now (LOL) because he continues to try and hold on.
I did what he wanted and gave him the divorce papers on Saturday but I have yet to see them signed. He says an attorney is looking them over to make sure they are OK but I know that's a lie. He calls me every night and I must admit I do like the familiarity. Especially because he is in rehab and I can finally hear a bit of the sweet, loving and beautiful man I married in his voice.
It's very hard to detach with love - I'd say one of the hardest things I've ever done. I know that detachment is the right thing to do at this time, however. As much as I love my sober husband, I know I cannot - and don't deserve to - live with the insanity, the infidelity, the financial hardships.
I like what my therapist told me to say when I'm ready to fully detach: "(Husband), you've been told that you'll be going through some intensive therapy in rehab and for the next couple years, and I think it's best for you to not have to worry about me. It's a selfish time for you - albeit in a positive way - and I'd like for you to have the freedom and opportunity to be totally focused on yourself." Please feel free to use this sage advice.
I've been thinking about it this way and it has helped. With all the hell I've gone through personally and professionally over the last several years, I know that if I do the right things to take care of myself and trust in my HP, I'll be having some serious good mojo coming my way that will far exceed the challenges I have faced. Good things are coming, my friend!
Blessings to you, my sister. We will both get through this with dignity and grace and come out stronger on the other side.
Hello, hello! You have a similar story to me. One big difference, I told my ABF about an affair out of anger over a drunk binge of his with another women. He called 50 plus times without a response from me then I blocked his calls for my own peace. Not my best moment, we have not spoken in several days since the incident. I talked and cried about it and heard "you can never really lose an addict". I want to lose the addict after all the pain, hurt, chaos and lies but feel that obligation or hope, not sure which. I try to stay stong for myself and do what is best for me, not an easy task. I take one day at a time and remember not to react with emotion, taking time to think.
Your imagery of him floating off is not romantic, it's spiritual. Many echo meditate describe "letting go" with that visualiAtion.
A major part of working through codependency is lowering thru the guilt of taking care of ourselves.
Taking care of ourselves doesnt usually mean we defend ourselves with words; we use our actions. Walking away from the chaos others might be in at that time in their lives is an enormous demonstration thay we want to heal.
