The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
He's been lying to her for a year about his drinking so she would continue to pay his rent while he was unemployed and "going back to school". FYI, and no surprise, he took one online class in the entire year, dropped out of all the rest, and has been partying nearly every day with whoever would give him alcohol, pot, or pills.
Last week an alcoholic friend came to LIVE with him and they immediately went on an 8 day bender. I started out texting him my disappointment because I was not only getting shut out and ignored by him (except for the few hours he was hungover and needed "soup and hugs"). Then by the end of the week I literally screamed at him to stop! He drove drunk with three DUI's and a suspended licence and his friend LET him. I hit my enabling limit! No more, I decided. I was p*ssed and most of all, heartbroken. The pain was and still is unbearable.
I sent his mother a message telling her that he never quit and she should have stopped paying for his rent a long time ago so he could fall on his *ss. I told her how much I love him and that I've tried everything but don't know what to do anymore. I can't take the abuse when he's drunk. I didn't mention the drunk driving.
Needless to say he hates me right now and says I filled his mother's head with lies and only hurt him because I was selfishly hurting. I have done "irreparable damage to our friendship. This was so fatal." At least he admitted how much he really liked me and how much this sucks to not be able to see each other anymore. I am the "bad guy" in his mind that has "ruined an otherwise happy woman" and the relationship he's been trying to build with them for years.
The worst part is how much I hate the thought that I did all of this in vain because here's what I'm imagining has been going on since then: his friend is affirming his denial and delusions about how selfish and crazy I am and they are blissfully, drunkenly happy together (they've been together nonstop), and that I've lost him in vain.
Did I do the right thing? Or did I really do such finite damage to any chance of us being friends again? I can't stand the thought of his mother in pain, and of never seeing him again, and especially of him not realizing what he's lost to his disease.
What can I do? I miss him terribly and the hole in my heart and the knot in the pit of my stomach wakes me up at all hours of the night. I can't eat or sleep very well, let alone function professionally as usual at work.
Welcome. I don't know. I do know that nothing you have done or will do is going to be made any better by beating yourself up.
Do you not think his mother knew at some level pretty much what he was doing?
An active alcoholic doesn't make a very good friend. He can't. And it's so easy for us to be addicted to people with issues. I laugh at myself sometimes for being sick with another person's disease. How does that help anything?
How good a friend are you going to be to yourself? I can hear that performing your work at a certain level is important to you. We have to work at putting ourselves at the center of our own lives. My friend is going to get himself together, or he isn't. (And his realizing what he's lost is his to own or not.) What am I going to do today to help me live my life? I have as much work to do as he does. I am using him and his drama to keep my focus off of me. I wrote that for me--just shared it with you.
Hugs, Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
As temple put it..this is alcoholic drama; a Oscar worthy one and I've been there and done that myself and got the same kick back you have. I did it for me and it sound kinda sorta that you were your own motive also. I wanted her/them to straighten their lives up so that I could have a relationship I was proud of and could show off and brag about. Unfortunately I didn't know anything about alcoholism and when it was done with me the only thing left were ashes. I flamed every bridge I crossed over and was hated and diispised by everyone I reached out to so that could get my way. As Temple also said I was addicted to people with alcohol and drug issues...It was how I was born and raised and I was doing what came naturally for me until I reached the doors of the Al-Anon Family Groups for the family, friends and associates of alcoholics. Go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up the hotline number for Al-Anon and call to find out where and when we meet in your area. There is a chair waiting for you and lots of literature and supportr.
You made that decision, and what is done is done. I often "spin" -- going over and over something I've done in my mind...and it really suits no purpose but to rob sleep...
We often describe taking the train to crazytown on this board...and it sounds like you are saying "all aboard!" Often we try to pull others into the drama to alleviate the awful stress of it, to have someone else help to carry the load of worry and distress....that isn't wrong..it is an attempt for you to help cope with this...
There is NOTHING you can do to change him...you didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. and his anger at you...well..is projection...As always need a scapegoat...why not you?
One thing you can do is seek support from alanon...both in person...and here on the board.
You are a GOOD person, who loves someone who is on that train. You don't need to board it. Stay off it, and take care of YOU.
Why do you want a "friend" that is so dysfunctional anyhow? What does that person have to offer you? Someone that addicted and messed up is only able to be in relationships with other messed up people. You want that to be you? That's just the way it goes with people who are active addicts/alcoholics. You are experiencing the drama, frustration and BS that goes along with trying to make a sick person normal. It's not going to happen. You didn't do anything right or wrong per say - but I would investigate why you have such a strong attachment to someone who is that big of a mess and has so little to offer you.
As one of the other moderators on the AA board says, "Life is short. Find healthy people to play with." Sounds harsh, but sometimes it really does need to be that simple.
Sometimes we have to do everything we can to stop the trainwreck, so we can learn that nothing will stop the trainwreck. Only the alcoholic deciding on his own, on his own time and schedule, that life can get better, will stop it. So the "good" news is that he would have kept drinking whether you told on him or whether you didn't. And it is pretty much impossible to have a healthy close friendship or relationship with an alcoholic. They are self-absorbed in their addiction, and the alcohol genuinely causes insanity. The only way to stay in a friendship with them is to detach and get your needs met elsewhere (for instance your need for someone who will show up sober, or your need for someone to be able to be there for you). So your friendship was also distorted by the alcohol even before this happened. It couldn't have gone on like a healthy friendship.
That said, it can be incredibly frustrating to us to try and try to arrange things so the alcoholic will get sober. It's frustrating because we can't do it. That's why we need to take care of ourselves. Al-Anon has the three C's: We didn't Cause it, we can't Control it, we can't Cure it. But we can stay healthy in the face of it. I hope you'll come back and read through lots of threads, find a meeting online here or face-to-face or both, and learn more tools to deal with this tragic disease. Hugs.
