The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am glad you are here and have decided to share your deepest fears. Please remember that we are here because we have been affected by the disease of alcoholism . We do need a program of recovery. This recovery is necessary because we have lost ourselves in an effort to combat this disease.
Being an alanon old timer I can assure you that the only thoughts I have for new comers is compassion, empathy and understanding for each poster I have been there and know the pain , sadness, the anger and fear.
I also know there is hope and with the support of al anon we can recover.
Recovery looks different for each of us so we do not give advise. Please continue to post. If you do not want feedback just state that and ask for program tools instead
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 5th of March 2013 08:15:17 PM
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 5th of March 2013 08:16:33 PM
I visit this board throughout the day (probably more than my employer would like). And so often I want to post but I don't. I start a post and write for about 5 minutes and then I delete it. I have been miserable today because of the repercussions of my behavior when I found drugs on my AH last Sunday. I kind of freaked out and lashed out at a lot of people - I'm too embarrassed to write about it here. Embarrassed and INCREDIBLY ANGRY at the same time.
So thanks to those of you who aren't too proud to post your feelings. I'm so afraid of getting judged and getting negative feedback and then hating this board and never coming back - because I like coming back; it's helped a lot. Your posts help.
But at the same time I hate reading the posts because it's like we're all trapped in our own private hells. It makes me sick to my stomach - how did WE end up here? And in the back of my mind I imagine Al-Anoners who have figured everything out, reading my posts and thinking, "Well, she just needs a little more time to realize that she's just got to get the heck out of that relationship. Poor thing, maybe she'll figure it out one day."
Hello Nichole - my thinking as I read your post is, the truly wonderfulest thing about THIS particular board is how wonderfully anonymous it is. How truly perfect is it, a place to vent your real feelings, put them all out there raw and wiggling for others to see and know that even though you have bared your soul, you don't have to fear walking down the street of your regular life and someone looking at you knowing who you are here.
IF I feel like venting about something I don't want out on the open board, I have the option of sending a private message to someone who I think will understand and offer solace. I would bet that we ALL have experienced being embarrassed and incredibly angry, we have walked those shoes and won't judge you because we understand.
For me, I WAS trapped in my own private hell until I found the keys to freedom through al-anon; other's words and experiences helping me to find my sanity. I promise, you won't get a "poor thing" from me.
And - most importantly - I love the people on this board, I love the words and thoughts and jokes and expressions - the chosen family that I rely on; I cherish their existence in my life. For me the reason I came here is not as important as what I found once I arrived.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I understand how you feel about reading the board, it has helped me so much to find others just like me who are in the same situation but then again it makes me feel depressed that so many people are hurting from the effects of alcoholism and drugs.
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Nothing is more fatiguing than the eternal hanging-on of an unfinished task.
I can't articulate what LMH said so wonderfully, that is where I am at as well. It sometimes just is what it is .. right or wrong a feeling is just a feeling. Sometimes I am proud of the way I feel and then other times not so much, .. I can find much solace in my dark fantasies and if I need to say something horribly hateful or embarrassing I know there are people I can just PM and they will get it. It's going to pass and I have to learn how to be gentle to myself as well as others.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I can bet you, most of us have done some pretty terrible things in our lives that we wish we could take back. The fear, anger and sadness gets to us after a while and we need to vent. Here nobody ever judges anyone. We support each other. This is a fellowship...a place where we can come and seek ESH in times when we might be full of hate, sadness, tired, sick, worried, embarrassed or anything else that's on our minds. We can say what want.
It's also the same at f2f meetings. They don't judge. They will give you a big hug and welcome you with open arms. Al-anon will help you deal with your emotions and fears and you can learn to deal with your problems and get peace and serenity. Al-anon is for you. Al-anon like if you went to a counselor for help but has the knowledge and expertise in taking control of our lives when we live with the cunning disease of Alcoholism.
One thing they say in Al-anon is we do not make any major decisions in our lives right away. We don't think you should be leaving your AH...you love him. Hey if everyone here left their A's there would be no board. It would be MIP AA only
I'm not a great writer but I can only tell you what's in my heart
(((( hugs ))))
Take what you like and leave the rest my friend
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Welcome Nicole, and I often quote my wise old sponsor, who is no longer with us, but whose words and guidance helped me a great deal...
When I would ask him why / how did I end up here, he would school me back to the "what". Don would say to me "stop worrying about the whys, as they will kill you.... concentrate on the whats"
For you (and us) the "what" is that we ARE where we are, and that is here.... With that being said, we have two basic choices - we can go back to pretending/hoping it isn't so, or we can face our reality, and OUR recovery head on, and make a path where we learn, grow, and get better.
I take it as a good sign, by your post, that you are choosing the latter, and I say kudos to ya...
Keep coming back
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Aloha Nicole thanks for the honesty. It reminds me of when I use to do the same thing...write post and then delete posts. "Oh what's the use"??!! I was soooo caught up in self pity and poor mes someone once asked me what kinds of cheese I wanted with my whine?...LOL I actually laughted at that even when I was feeling sooo low and thinking my life was totally over. I of course was also suffering with depresson that came with the lack of understanding of what alcoholism was. I thought my alcoholic/addict 2nd wife was doing what she was doing to purposely hurt me...."It's all about me"!!! I acted out and sheeeee's a bitch!!! When I found out and became aware that she was living with a life threatening fatal disease I found out what compassion felt like...huge new feeling and understanding and I got off her back cause she couldn't move toward sobriety and carry me at the same time.
I use to abuse lots of innocent people also...the program has steps and practices to get around and by that. Embarassment, guilt and shame are also temporary negatives. There isn't anyone in the program that will one up you on doing crazy stuff. Listening to similarities in our experiences has shown me that we all have been deeply affected and can all heal together. Chances are no ones gonna be shoked if you "spill it" on the table. You cannot get support and feedback by staying silent. The Serenity Prayer helps me alot...Know it? The steps are my behavior system and they start out with "Admitted we were powerless..." We all in this together. Come recover with us...we hold each other up with ((((hugs))))
Learning to speak up, first on this board, was for me MY first step into recovery. I felt the same shame and anger and fear as you describe, completely. But at the same time people made me feel safe. That was a new feeling. Nobody could relate to my situation and emotions like the people on this board...no matter what I posted, there was no judgment, only discussing, commenting, sharing own stories....which helped me getting PERSPECTIVE. the feeling you describe is the 'normal' feeling when we do something NEW. I've been there, and I learned that I can TRUST, ...it started with the people here, then it took over on myself, then towards other people in my 'real' life. and nobody is judging, believe me....true recovery keeps you humble, because you know what you are capable of doing thinking saying.... how can one judge somebody else, if we walk all in the same shoes. This board is my first step to honesty, which is still and constantly growing, so no matter how long you are here, there is a common growth and dynamic...sometimes you can guide, because you know, sometimes you are being guided because somebody else knows. don't be scared... we will figure it all out together ((((NicoleDiver))))
I can assure you that the only thoughts I have for new comers is compassion, empathy and understanding for each poster I have been there and know the pain , sadness, the anger and fear. 
