The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Me and my AW have been seperated for 5 months now and she hasnt stopped calling since. currently she has lost her sister, 2 nieces, her husband and sits in her house all day on her awn and continues to drink.
i gave in one day and called my AW and we met, she hasnt changed and looks ill, and her clothes were worn.
i had told her that i had met someone but parted from her, and said that i had only seen with this partner for 2 weeks.
as u can imagine she was very upset, but i had been told that she had seen 2 guys seince i decided to seperate as the drinking was too much for me.
she denied seeing these other guys and we decided maybe we could be friends.
i feel like now i may be giving us false hopes... we spoke the past two evenings and i knew she had been drinkng but she denied it.
mentally and phisically she is ill and i feel so bad for her. i said that if she keeps lying to me or calling when she is drunk or drinking i wont talk to her.
she is saying that she is going to meetings and telling me things that i know are not true and i wish she would be honest with me. but i know thats part of the disease.
i asked her if she would willingly go to a meeting and she agreed. and asked if i would sit with her.
we said that maybe we could be friends but i feel like ive opened pandoras box and that im getting sucked in again.
basically i dont know wether its best to say that this is up to u to find ur recovery and not me and we have to move on??
or be friends and go too a meeting with her ????
i am really struggling to make a descision on this and i dont want to see her suffering anymore..
It depends on your history and your need to keep away from her to keep your serenity. If you can go through the experience of going to a meeting with her, then go ahead. I have found that many folks required this kind of help to get to their first meeting. After 1 time though, there is no excuse for her to not go on her own. If you were to go, make sure to get the "where and when" pamphlet that is usually available at meetings. It will list all meetings in your geographic area. Once she has the knowledge right in front of her and a connection to other alcoholics who are better suited to "help" her, it's on her and you can back out.
OR....if you feel that you just can't be involved in it any longer, that would also be perfectly understandable. She's not a baby even if she might be acting like one due to her disease.
I see what your going through and I know it hurts. I have a son that has no income and sat for 4 years drinking off and on. Like you I have heard it all.
Now I have finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired and Detached with love from him. I stop completely all the enabling so that he didn't have the soft landings anymore and now it is coming to the wire. He will be homeless soon. He is scared, but you know what...that's the way it needs to be. I'm not going to be scared for him anymore. He has to feel the pain of his choices. When they feel the pain enough they might seek help. I enabled my son enough so he didn't feel any pain....he could drink it away. Not anymore....he has pawned most of his belongs and there is just no more money to drink with. He will have to live on the streets panhandling if he wants to continue to drink. So maybe just maybe he will get the message that being sober is better than drinking...
I see your not going to meetings so maybe a few here might help you. Al-anon is for you so you can deal with your fears and worry for you wife. You can read the literature and books. They will help you so much.
You should read the book " Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew. Sound reading and it will give you a lot of help dealing with your wife.
You say you don't want to see her suffer anymore. My friend..she needs to suffer....she needs to feel that pain for her choices. As long as she drinks she doesn't have too feel anything.
Take care of you, step back and detach with love...
Take what you like and leave the rest...
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
