The material presented
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I have not posted in months, been reading and keeping up with everyone else but it has been too hard to post. Still seperated from AH, handed him divorce papers and he went into full "I'll change" mode. He is on new medications for his bipolar and they are seeming to help. I feel stuck in limbo as I just don't trust myself anymore to know what is reality and what is the fiction I create in my own head about his recovery. I have been doing a lot of reading, going to meetings and trying to figure it all out. I find living on my own I do really well, I am self sufficient and my household is peaceful. While it is hard being alone sometimes I worry that my judgment is still 'off' and will allow him back and the cycle will begin all over again. Do I still love him, yes, am I scared to go backwards by allowing him back in my household and finding that he has not changed, no. I see him doing work with his therapist, holding down a job and staying sober but I tend to question question question everything. He has been like a new man over the past few months and his treatment of me during our interactions has been nothing but good, he is holding down a job and doing well on his own. I was ready to divorce, and I allowed him to stall me, that is my fault and I take responsibility for it. Everyone around me says a few more months won't make any difference and I should stand my ground and watch to see if he can sustain his new lifestyle, I guess I just worry my judgment radar is permanently damaged and either way I will make a bad choice. Anyway, just checking in, good to see everyone here keeps keeping on. TS
Agreeing with those who say a few more months won't make a difference. I'm sure you've heard the saying: when in doubt, don't. I, too, am sitting on the fence as my AH tries to make some changes. Some things are changing for the good, some things aren't changing at all and it's frustrating. That's when I turn it over to my HP. I can let the rats run ragged on the wheels in my head or I can let it go and let my HP take the wheel for me. God gives us free will and our intuitions for a reason, and if you're still questioning your judgement then there's no reason to make a decision either way unless you feel compelled to do so. Be gentle with yourself, you don't have to justify your actions to anyone. If you aren't ready to trust again, then you're not ready and there's nothing wrong with that. If you want to divorce him anyway, you can do that because it's your life and you decide what you need to make you happy. Pray about your thoughts, journal them, turn them over to your HP, and let your path be revealed to you as you go through your days. Recovery and change take time, and that goes both ways for us and for the alcoholics. Be patient, sending you lots of virtual hugs and support today!
Aloha Trudy...One of the largest and best lessons I am learning in Al-Anon is acceptance of the things I cannot change and also maybe shouldn't try. I have a good spouse now and not a perfect one. I wasn't looking for a spouse when I made the decision and made the decision anyway. She is in our program and I need to get that out of my attitude when I am interreacting with her and just accept her for who and what she is at the time she is that. She is human and at times a better human than I am and many of the other humans that occupy space in my life. Accepting her the way she is at the time she is that allows me more credit on the lessons of mercy and margin and grace. If I held the reigns too tightly she would not make the grade with me and neither might anyone else including myself. If his major problems are caused by or exascerbated by alcohol addiction and he is doing what he needs to to heal from his alcohol addiction or ism than he is doing for him what he needs to do for him...the stuff that he needs to be doing for you may not be reachable if you are holding the reigns too tightly...it may not be reachable by anyone. Remember he doesn't get sober for you, he gets sober for himself or he has no life at all. Don't stand still on your recovery watching how well he is or isn't doing...he might just pass you by and then not find you as recovered as you need to be. Has that ever happened?...more times than I can remember and is still happening.
Get with your sponsor and do a recovery inventory to find out just where you are at without trying to see where he is at. ((((hugs))))
Well, well, well, I had been wondering how things were going for you. I enjoyed keeping up with your posts as we were in pretty much the same stage of separating. Glad to hear he is making a good effort and you are seeing results. Take it slow and take care of you and I hope you keep in touch.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
Part of what hits me between the eyes is that as they get better we get worse. It seems to be a mantra for me at the moment ..oi. I have heard that shared at my home group. Working the steps and doing the "just for today" bookmark is a way for me to keep the focus on me. It keeps me in the present 24 hours without needing to go other places.
You are doing all of the right things by having the 3 A's happening .. you have awareness of what is not working for you, acceptance and action are the next two steps. So keep doing the next right thing and you will know when you are ready to trust. You will have the tools in place for it to be ok. You will trust what you hear with your eyes, you will trust your HP, you will trust yourself to know what is fact and what is fiction.
No one is saying you need to rush things. I find when I live in the right now, stay to far out of the past and don't go into the future I do ok. I can have fun with my own life without worrying about the next shoe to drop. If it drops it drops .. there is nothing for me to try and control, fix or manage.
That doesn't mean I ignore or deny real issues that are present. I don't need to go and create a crisis where there is none. Sometimes a duck really is just a duck, it's not a goose and I don't have to make it something it's not.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
