Bad experience at 2nd meeting. - Al-Anon Family Group

Grumble · Member

Bad experience at 2nd meeting.

rainlax · Member

I went to my 2nd mtg tonight and had a few WOW moments! By the end of the mtg, I was super excited to go again next week. But then, as I was putting on my jacket, the lady sitting in front of me (who I'd never met before) turned around to welcome me and ask if I have any questions. I said not really, that I was still figuring things out, but thanks for asking. She then asked what brought me there. I explained that I'm with a sober alcoholic, didn't know him when he was still drinking and I've never really been around drinkers so I'm trying to understand my reactions to his behaviour, how I can support him better, things like that.

She then went on to tell me that it is *extremely* rare for a non-drinker to fall in love with an alcoholic, sober or otherwise, and that she was willing to be that I am most likely a "dry alcoholic" and perhaps should re-think my reasons for being at the mtgs, or if I should be there at all. She said a few other things about me probably being all "me me me" in our relationship, etc. (This was a 1-minute conversation and I didn't share at all during the meeting.)

I left almost in tears and the whole good feeling from the mtg was suddenly gone and replaced with this horrible experience. I have no desire to go back to that meeting again and am questioning whether I should be going to al-anon at all. I feel like this lady was being really rude and was completely off-base, but is this how people perceive me? My partner is away right now so I haven't told him what happened but even earlier today he was encouraging me to go to tonight's mtg and said he would like to attend one with me once he's back home later this month.

I don't really know if I have a question here or if I just needed to vent or what... Is everyone going to look at my attendence there in this way? :(

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi rainlax

I am so very sorry that the interchange after the meeting was so completely off base and destructive. I need to always remember that we are at meetings trying to recover and are not all emotionally healthy. During meetings we are protected from this type of behavior by the traditions and the meeting format. The meeting after the meeting is another matter. This women's question, assumptions and responses were off base and completely unacceptable.

Please do not give up This is the reason we suggest try 6 different meetings before making your decision Future information is to try to talk to the people whose share you can identify with and if someone is asking too many questions I politely decline to answer.

Remember " The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend"

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

There are such people and events in the program...I've been in for a long time and what helped me early on was the understanding that we all came from the same place and were therefore coming from sickness. That is a truth and so what became a strong support in early meetings is read at the close of every meeting..."If you keep an open mind, you will find help". Open mindedness helps me to understand. After sometime in the program listening with an open mind you'll know what you can trust and what not. A second meeting isn't recovery and the comments after the meeting isn't a meeting. The closing also tells us, "Talk to each other, reason things out with someone else..." and for me that means lots of members. Keep coming back...((((hugs)))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

eh!! Hey, I used to respond to people like you did. Not anymore. My first thought was, hey that is her problem not yours. A simple, Ok bye would have been just fine. There are a ton of comebacks you can use. Hmmm well I don't agree, bye.

When we get upset they have control over us. When I learned that I stopped. Hon we really can control how we respond or if we give their bolony any weight I use my mothers, oh they are full of prunes. I mean who cares what she things anyway. YOU can focus on the good, and now you know who to avoid. I find that terribly rude also. Some people go to places just to bug others. ]

I hope you will choose to throw away her bolony and concentrate on the good. You deserve that. I would not even look at her, if she spoke to me I would pretend I did not hear her. Not be her victum.

Sadly there are mean people where ever we go. Al Anon can help us to respond in a healthy way. hugs,debilyn

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

That lady sounds so full of crap it must be coming out of her mouth. I am an alcoholic and I like to believe my partner loves me. My grandsponsor and his nonalcoholic partner were together 42 years before my grandsponsor passed away last year.

Some folks come into Alanon very angry at alcoholics....and really, who could blame them? Misplaced anger directed at you but I guess I understand it. I've gotten some of that vibe before. I try and remember the company I'm in. Many have had dreams dashed, hopes crushed, have been manipulated and treated like crap by active alcoholics and here I am cheerfully stating I'm an alcoholic and you stating you are falling in love with one. People are on different paths. Fact is there are folks like me in alanon and also plenty of folks with sober AA attenting partners. After all, Alanon was started by the wife of the sober AA founder (Lois W./Bill W.) I wonder if this lady would have tried to shovel that crap off on Lois Wilson?

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Never let anyone stop you from going to meetings , I am sorry this woman decided she knew best for you but she is mis informed to say the least . al-Anon works for partners of non drinkers , we have 23 yrs of sobriety in our home today and I still attend 3 meetings a week f2f. Al-Anon is about me , for me has nothing to do with the alcoholic . Try several other meetings if you can find where your comfy and keep going to the other meeting as well , remember that all people in recovery do not necessarily carry a message of recovery some still carry the disease. Louise

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Don't let one person's behavior derail you from your goals. As others mentioned - try other meetings, too. If that's the only one available, well, keep in mind all the GOOD you got out of it before that one interaction.

There are some people at meetings I attend that I sometimes do not see eye-to-eye with, either. I've occasionally had misguided advice supplied to me after meetings, as well. But I keep going back because they're only one entity out of what is normally, otherwise, a healthy group.

My sponsor lovingly refers to these folks as her "Al-anon sandpaper". They grate against you, set your hackles to rising or make you want to duck away and hide - but these people in particular are great learning experiences for us where we get to learn to apply the Steps, Traditions and Concepts in what is otherwise a pretty detached relationship and practice our program. That said, you don't need to seek her out and try to make her your recovery project - just know this is who this person is and that you have your Al-Anon tools to back you in how you choose to respond - if at all - if she decides to approach you again!.

wp · ~*Service Worker*~

Rainlax, Please keep going to Alanon. Just remember , some people are more disturbed than others, and do your best to ignore her. If that doesnt work for you, maybe try finding a different meeting... Good luck and keep coming back. :)
wp

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

So sorry to hear that happened to you. Some people are still distracting themselves with others peoples lives and oozing all over them even after attending al-anon meetings. Just remember all the good you got out of the meeting and don't ever feel you need to open up about anything to anyone or a group until you are ready. After you go awhile you will be able to have compassion for her and laugh about this. Keep taking care of you! Sending you love and support!

rainlax · Member

Thanks for all the replies. I mentioned it to my partner and he basically said what everyone else said. It's nice to know that maybe it wasn't just me feeling off for no reason! I'll go back to that meeting and will also try out one more. There are only two that are easily accessible in my area, unfortunately. I'm surprised there aren't more, considering I live in a really large city! Anyway, thanks again for so much support. It's nice to find a community like this one. :)

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

If I was close by I'd get a bunch of AFG members together and we'd go start another one closer to your home place. Have done that in the past and those meetings are still going on...with the exception of the Friday Night Men's Stag Group...What the hell is wrong with us guys we can't keep a good meeting going. Whine Whine Whine. smile

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Rainlax

I am glad that you heard your boyfreind and all the shares here and are willing to attend face to face meeting again.

I would like to add that I found that on line meetings are a great supplement to recovery.We have several here at MIP 2x a day however face to face meetings gave me the connection that I did not find on line,

I needed to break the self imposed isolation of my home and the internet . I had to have the courage to venture out into the world into a safe environment so I could learn, once again to interact with the world in a positive constructive manner. Alanon was the place. It was actually in Alanon Face to Face meetings where I learned how to use my alnaon tools of:

Say what I mean , mean what I say and not say it mean. I also learned to validate myself verbally, share my ideas at business meetings even if the group voted the idea down,- share from my heart and not my head, treat people with kindness, allow others to have an opinion not like my own, not gossip or judge or critique anyone I practiced, practiced, practiced at face to face meetings, it worked there so I had the courage to take it out into the world. It was powerful in the world as well

The spiritual connection at a face to face meeting counts

Keep coming back

-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 6th of March 2013 02:31:30 PM

-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 6th of March 2013 02:34:18 PM

Tracey C · Senior Member

Sorry you had this happen Rain. I too have been highjacked by people supposedly working the program. Online meetings have been a wonderful replacement for myself. Theres a great site called stepchat.com which holds all types of meetings and there's always somone on there to chat with anytime. The internet is a wonderful resource and it can provide just as much support as f2f meetings. Tracey

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.