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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> He can do so much damage with written words
Post Info TOPIC: He can do so much damage with written words
cinders


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He can do so much damage with written words
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I received an email from my soon to be ex AH yesterday.  He was hateful, mean, putting me down and cruel.  Usually I am not bothered by most of what he says and can usually just ignore it, but yesterdays email was very very cruel.  I simply replied back that if he ever contacts me again I will get a restraining order.  He immediately emailed back asking that we agree to not do something like that and just communicate what needs to be communicated to get the short sale on the house done.  I said again that if he contacts me again in any shape or form I will get an order against him, that he could have the agent doing the short sale contact me and I would work with her.  I have not heard from him since and don't think that I will.  I know that a no contact order is just a piece of paper.  I have worked in law enforcment long enough to see that they really don't protect you.  I am hopeful that he will not want to deal with the hassle of it and just leave me be.  I have never been afraid of him before but there was something so cruel in his email that I felt every part of my body react to his words.  I just want him out of my life and can't wait till this short sale and divorce are done.  The agent contacted me yesterday afternoon and was upset that I have held up the process of the short sale.  I simply stated to her that as this is the first time anyone has said or done anything to initiate a short sale or work on the house I needed a few days to review the papers and then would return them immediately.  I told her I could easily get the needed papers together by Tuesday and would just need the time to be able to read the papers.  She seemed to understand.  I asked for one thing only, that any communication remain private, that my address and phone number are not to be provided to my AH.  She seemed to get it and said that she could promise me privacy.  I sure hope so.  Its been nice knowing that if my door bell rings, I don't have to worry about it being him.  Its serenity for me.  I don't want this process to take that away from me. 

The cruel things he said to me really hit home.  While I know its the words of an alcoholic and that he is probably just reacting towards me.  He seldom in our marriage said cruel things, he usually just did not respond to me at all and acted cruelly with denial of emotion and relationship.  I have no doubt he is not happy and that his choices are having a negative impact on him.  I don't know or care out his reasoning for being so hurtful but it did crush me.  I am working hard at choosing to not be hurt by what he had to say because I know it is the rambling of an alcoholic and is not true.  I sat down and reflected on what he said, I reminded myself of each thing and how I was NOT doing that and what I was doing that was right instead of what he was saying.  It felt good to remind myself of how wrong he was so that I did not dwell on it.  I am still hurt that he has started this phase of being an alcoholic, guess I had hoped by no longer being in his life I would get to skip all of this part of the progression of his disease. 

I am glad my life is starting over without him in it.  I am a good mother, my kids are growing up to be mature, kind, loving people and they show compassion for those around them.  I am making new friends, meeting new people and starting to do new things in my life.  I am glad for these chances to grow. 

I could use some guidance on how to keep strong in the face of his cruel statements.  This is a phase I have not really had to endure much of. 



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Mattie


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I know someone who had a friend read the communications and distill them into what she needed to know.  So he would write a page of insults and fury and the friend would relay to her just the "actionable" part: "He says he wants his DVDs back and you should mail them to him."   I think the other stuff is on a need-to-know basis and nobody needs to know, least of all you.  You've dealt with that stuff more than enough already, I'm sure.

Of course remember that he is SICK SICK SICK, as some people imagine written on the A's foreheads.  You're really dealing with the ravings of a genuinely insane person.  If we remember that and don't take it personally, it helps somewhat.  If you have a friend or an agent or a mediator deal with all the communications, you don't even have to open them.  Better that time should be spent on nourishing things.  Take good care of yourself.



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Pushka


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Hugs cinders,

I try and QTIP as much as I can (Quit Taking It Personally), what he spews usually is just to get a reaction. If I don't respond he gets angrier.

Something I'm going to encourage you to do is SAVE every single correspondence he sends and instead of going to your atty go straight to the domestic violence shelter and file a restraining order through them. In my state it is free and they will provide you with counsel.

Now that you have said do not contact you do not keep repeating it. It only serves to keep him connected to you. You have stated it and if he chooses to continue to contact you it will only benefit your case against him. If you contact him again it is actually a negative and you didn't say what you mean kind of thing.

This is strictly my experience based upon the state I live in.

Hugs to you, take care of you first always.

P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Debilyn


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Cinders, I remember this too. My ex AH was not mean in words to me about me either. It was more I am going to burn the house down...

I realized he was NOT talking about me when he was ranting later, it was himself. All those things were how he felt about him but spitting them out like it was me. so weird.

They are so selfish they really don't know us in the first place and honestly cannot put ten words of description of us that are true!! How can we take the words of and A seriously?? They lie, they exagerate, they are insane.

That was how I got past it. I never knew my A said bad things about me to others. When I did find out it killed me. The person who told me felt awful too. He was A's best friend. He was being mean to me telling me like well what about when you blah blah. I started crying saying he said that??? Ended up me and this A got to be friends.

Anyway remember the old we cannot rationalize insanity.It was horrible to read I am sure, good for you for stopping any more contact.

hugs! love,debilyn



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cinders


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Doing much better now. I shared what was going on with my mother and she helped me to find my peace of mind again.

I have dealt with the reality of the divorce and am actually doing ok with that, I think the fact that he if finally doing something about the house that is in foreclosure was difficult for me. I loved my home and I am very angry at the loss of it. I know that I stayed with him longer than I should have out of love for my home at the end.

I have been asking him for months to get going on this situation and he finally did this weekend. I think the fact that he took the "I am doing this to help us both and YOU need to quit stalling on it" attitude ticked me off. He has always been someone that left things till beyond the last minute and would act like no one cooperated with him on it. I am tired of getting tangled up in that mess. To be honest, I don't care one way or another what happens now. I have always been good about paying my bills, taking care of my family and budgeting. He sucked the life out of us financially with the cost of his addiction. I let it go because I figured he would never do anything with the house and what the bank chose to do is how it would go. He is throwing a fit like a small child with someone taking away a toy. He is acting like they owe more time to us to sort this out. I am just sitting here not caring.

I decided that what ever happens, I will deal with it. If I end up having to file bankruptcy to survive the foreclosure, I will. Won't end my world, things will still move on and I will still have a good life to live. I let myself get sucked back in to his insanity again. Now I am strong and have stepped back from it, reminding myself it is just the ravings of a mad man.

I am going to do something special for me today. I have to get an mri of my head and being incredibly claustrophobic it is going to be hard, so I will treat myself with flowers afterwards and a nice bubble bath to let go of the stress. I don't need to carry all of this around with me, life is good and I like the one that I am living now.

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