Unsure of what to do - Al-Anon Family Group

Sweet Stanley · ~*Service Worker*~

Unsure of what to do

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Does the woman who's having problems with her family have a sponsor? Is she working the steps? Is she going to lots of meetings? I'd suggest that what she needs is not for people to run interference with her family (if anyone could make an unhealthy family do anything they don't want to, wouldn't we have solved the problems of unhealthy families by now?) but to work her own program harder. The answer won't be from changing them (it can't be) -- it will be from her changing.

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

I would apply Tradition 10 to this circumstance.

Al-Anon has no opinion on outside issues, hence our name not ever be brought into public controversy. On a personal level that means I learn to mind my own business and not step in and play rescuer in a broken relationship that is not mine, no matter how much I care about the person or people.

It sounds clear that all you'd be doing is adding fuel to the fire if you stepped in on your friend's behalf. Not only would you likely end up the subject of her mother's ire (I can picture it now... "How DARE you suggest I have a problem!") but she'll likely just get more upset with her daughter.

Best to stay clear and just continue to be a good friend in the way that's safe for all involved - listen and share your ESH, but don't advise or try to fix.

afglin · Senior Member

It sounds to me like the mother has already made up her mind that alanon is not for her. So if you called her you woudl probably get a cool reception.I doubt and invitation from you would get her there. I know you want to help(I always want to fix what is broken...) but this time it might be better to step back.

LIN

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Sweet Stanley

I agree that since mom attended alanon and does not want to return an alanon member reaching out might just turn her off.

I would suggest to the AA member that she and her AA sponsor should talk to the family and stress the importance of alanon. That might work much better. If mom wants support at the meetings the AA member could then give your number

Good Luck

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Stanley...lots of helpful support here. I got the impression that this was a joint AA/Al-Anon meeting?...I've been to some of those and don't go anymore because it is easy to violate traditions and also to be come enmeshed and get blamed and shamed by others. "When in doubt...don't" is the slogan that works for me and what I habitually do is what Mattie suggested send them back toward their tools. Give the gal some ESH...the 3Cs. and stuff that has worked for you on how to stop manipulation and control and then put her back with her HP. Keep coming back ((((hugs)))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Not quite sure what would make one ask another to do this. For me I would say, I don't feel comfortable doing that.

Then possibly encourage her to think of herself and what they sayor do really does not matter. If her boss is upset he/she will talk to this dear AA member. My creepy old icky neighbor called my boss and told him I was stealing flowers from the cemetery...huh?

He called me in as he was curious, then teased me and said to ask her over for dinner....yea right.

Family can be poison like anyone else. It may be something she has to handle herself as part of her recovery, we step in, there goes her not learning her own power how to handle it.

Hugs for your considering and coming here!!! love you,debilyn

Sooo as I have said, anyone can be poison to your program. You are young in yours, doing so well I might add! One day, one step at a time.

Sweet Stanley · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for all your responses. It makes perfect sense now that I got to read it from all of you. I will talk with the AA member and let her know that she should speak with her sponsor over this. Makes much more sense!! Thanks all!!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.