so tired of being blamed for everything... - Al-Anon Family Group

cas1206 · Newbie

so tired of being blamed for everything...

scaredandconfused · Veteran Member

I know how you feel. I went through something similar with my husband. His drinking got really out of control and her turned very hateful towards me. He constantly blamed me for everything. Even though we were broke because he spent hundreds of dollars a week on alcohol it was my fault our bills weren't paid. It was my fault the stray kitten he brought home peed on the carpet. It was my fault he damaged both our cars when he came home very drunk one night and ran into my car. And the worst was when he screamed at me for hours one day about how I've destroyed his life by forcing him to drink because I close the house door too loudly when I come home and it annoys him. In the beginning I was so hurt and took everything he said so personally. After months of this insanity I finally realized he was taking out his frustration and disgust with himself on me. I stopped taking what he said to me personally. My husband also threatened to leave me constantly and would tell me was divorcing me because he hates me so much. We finally separated a few months ago. The separation was initiated by me. Despite telling me he would rather be homeless than live with me he never would have left. He sends me nasty texts telling me he can't wait to get divorced but refused to sign the papers when I actually filed. He's now holding up the divorce and saying he's going to insist on a one year separation while still telling me hates me and can't wait to get me out of his life. It's so awful when the person we love so much turns all their self hatred towards us. I'm trying my best to detach from all his insanity. You will reach a point where you stop taking his insults personally and just see them as the ramblings of a very sick man.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear cas

Welcome to Miracles in Progress I am sorry you are in such pain and feel so lost. Glad you found us!!We in alanon believe that alcoholism is a disease over which we are powerless. It certainly seems to cause chaos and havoc in our lives and because of that we need a true program of recovery for ourselves. The alcoholic has AA We who live with the disease have a wonderful program called Alanon. Face to Face meetings are held in every community and I urge you to look up the hot line number in the white pages call the number and attend at least 6 different meetings.

It is here I learned break the painful isolation caused by this disease by connecting with others who understand as few others can. I also learned how to reclaim my self esteem, focus on my life and to act and not react

There is hope for you Please keep coming back here as well

f2fmember · Veteran Member

Hello cas
welcome to the site.
I remember feeling as you do. My husband blamed me for everything too. He accused me of poisoning his food...and for him 'catching' diabetes. He also had stomach problems. I have IBS...I suppose it is similar because its due to a sensitivity to what goes into the stomach.
My husband became very ill.....
Be assured though
You didn't cause it
You can't control it and
You can't cure it.

This is an illness and his behaviour is a result of it. Detachment is the key. I learned to say......sorry you feel like that..... without explaining myself or trying to qualify the statement.

I don't have to fix the situation
I don't have to make him feel better
I don't have to understand
I don't have to find a solution......

I have choices. I don't even have to stay in the house to listen to it.,,,

Detachment comes with a condition though.....the full skill is Detachment with love.

I've been to a face to face meeting today and heard all about blame.
What is the purpose of blame?

If I blame someone else then I can avoid the reponsibility of acceptance.....
If he blames me then he is avoiding dealing with what is happening to him

He can sit in denial.

Its not his fault so the responsibility lies with someone else......

Acceptance is what the first step is all about.

In Alanon though we don't work this program FOR our alcoholics....we work it FOR ourselves.

We start with the serenity prayer.

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change

(we can't change other people or affect their choices)

Courage to change the things I can

(we can only change ourselves and our own attitudes towards the chaos we find ourselves in)

And the wisdom to know the difference.

(what IS our responsibility and what belongs to others?)

We have choices.....we can continue to try and halt the progression of the disease of alcoholism
.... or we can choose to accept it for what it is, and find a way to release our heads from the needs and demands of the alcoholic. My head was well and truely hyjacked....and I lost myself completely. My own needs were no longer important.....to him yes, but also to me.
Alanon helped me see MY part in my own illness.

Alcoholism is the only disease that gets worse the more we care. Those who suffer from it become puppeteers. They manipulate us to allow them to feed their addiction

That doesn't mean we can't show compassion towards them. They are after all, very ill.

But we can also show ourselves commassion and begin to recognise the insanity xxx

I hope you have a local face to face meeting to go to.

By the way...my husbands illness progressed and thankfully had a spiritual awakening, that took him fully into AA, and into sobriety....one day at a time.

Marriage IS about being able to spend time together, but until he's well again.....all you can do is wait and care for yourself xxx Alanon can help you learn to do that

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I can so relate to your share and feeling like I could do no right no matter how hard I tried, I stopped knowing what side was up after awhile. The best thing I did was start going to al-anon face to face meetings, things just keep getting better since I became a regular member. I am so glad you found us and hope you keep coming back and find some local meetings in your area, the number is below my sign in name here. Sending you much love and support!

AngieP · Veteran Member

Cas, as others have mentioned, I want to strongly recommend that you make so face-2-face meetings if you possibly can. One quick word of caution on this poisoning stuff. As time has passed I've be amazed at how many A's make this same accusation. My A decided one evening that I had poisoned our cat. He tried to get the vet to run drug screens & the like - which the vet thought was totally absurd... It's just an aging cat with a few balance Issues sometimes, and lil problems here & there. But THIS night was different. My A had just started binge drinking after 60days sober & during those moments decided I had poisoned the cat... And that I must pay. I almost lost my life that night due to his paranoid & alcohol driven delusions. I was choked over & over (5-8 times) while he's on top of me saying " your gonna pay. Your gonna die tonight." luckily for my HP I escaped, but that damage was done. I see, hear, feel those moments over & over daily. (it's been almost 4 months). This is just my story.. I don't assume it will be yours. I just want you to see where the potential for delusional People to do insane things. My A was never violent, didn't raise his voice, never lifted his hand to me... Always quite the gentleman... BUT they all have to Jekyll & Hyde personalities in them. Make some meetings & give yourself some time to decide What is right for YOU! learn to detach from these insane behaviors & expectations. He is gonna drink... What are you gonna do?

texasgal · Senior Member

I know exactly how you feel and for a long time I kept everything that happened at home hidden from the world. I was terrified to go to alanon but once I got the courage to go I realized I was not alone. The group members listened to me and talked with me i began to feel human again. In the isolation I didnt talk to anyone it was all abt my AH. I was hidden from the world and i accepted unacceptable behavior. The program has really helped me a lot.

Zimmy · Senior Member

Welcome Cas to MIP so glad you found us here. By finding us it shows that you are aware his drinking is the problem and although he may still be in denial you aren't and thats hard place to be for most of us thats why al-anon really helps and the principles of the programme. Its time to take care of you as much as you can. Keep coming back, you will find much support and experince and love here. Please consider getting to a face to face meeting in your area.

In support Simone x

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Cas,

Welcome, this is a great place to come to so I hope that you keep coming back and spend some time reading. I'm sure that you will quickly realise how many of us have had very similar experiences as a result of the alcoholic behaviour of people close to us.

The breakthrough in my relationship was when I stopped believing my AH's harsh words.

I used to think that I had done something wrong or that I must be very flawed. I remember that one day he asked me 'why do you put yourself down all the time?' and the thought that came into my head was 'I put myself down so that I can get in there before you do, it is less painful that way'. Well eventually I started wondering about how silly and self destructive that might be. And how it left a space for AH's arrows to follow through and hurt me. Of course I wanted him to counter my self depreciating comments with a lovely affirmation but with his booze and low self esteem he simply could not do that. I can see now that his alcoholic voice just saw a bit of target practice (and that was not good for either of us). It carried on for so long that it became the only way that we related to each other. Twisted thinking I know

Another time I was talking to a friend and I was saying much the same as you do in your post and, with a very kind and loving laugh in her voice, she simply said to me 'of course its all your fault, who else could it possibly be?' Well that stopped me in my tracks and in fact I laughed out loud with relief because a part of me inside still knew that it was not about me at all. That was where my liberation started.

I started to look after myself and concentrated on finding out who I wanted to be. I let AH make his own choices about how he spent his time. When he throws a tantrum these days I simply say 'oh' or 'sorry you feel that way' and carry on with what I'm doing. Sometimes, if the abuse continues I simply walk away. In twenty minutes or so he has forgotten all about it and behaves as if nothing has happened (which used to drive me nuts!). The harsh words have decreased over the months as well. I'm not such an easy target these days.

I think that the most helpful and loving part I can play is to refuse to accept the abusive behaviour. It is not at all easy and it has taken me quite a long time to pick myself up and stand up for myself. I armoured myself up with small 'feel good' treats and friends that I could hang out with or phone when I needed some affirmations. As much support as possible is a very very good thing!

I am so sorry that you are going through all this. It is ghastly for you both. Take very good care of yourself.

Alanon face to face meetings are so worthwhile for many different and wonderful reasons. When I went to my first meeting it was another gentle life changer.

Looking forward to seeing you here again.

cas1206 · Newbie

I appreciate all of your kind words... things just seem to get worse day after day, he didn't come home again last night, came home for 10 mins today to shower and change for work and then left taking a bunch of change of clothes with him, I don't know if I will see him at all this weekend, tomorrow is opening day for trout fishing and all his drinking buddies are partying up tonight and tomorrow... he blames me for his friends not liking me and said he would choose them over me any day. his one friend doesn't like me but for some reason no matter how awful his friend treats me, he allows it and doesn't do anything. His friend has said to my face awful awful things and my husband doesn't do anything... but again, it's my fault. I am a shy, kind person who has a huge heart and I always want to help whoever I can and I don't get why I am suddenly the devil. He won't talk to me, he won't answer his phone when I call him, I think he's cheating on me, and it hurts so much. He tried blaming me again for poisoning him and I said let's go I will drive you to the ER right now and lets do blood work so you know I am not doing anything and he then said well it's untraceable... and I said yeah, in all my spare time I have a superior chemistry set in my kitchen where I am cooking up all kinds of untraceable poisons... then after I sent him email at work with all the stuff about IBS and about a medicine his doctor had prescribed him that was a main IBS medication, he started to admit that it sounded like it was that. He has no idea how much that accusation hurt and of course I get no apology. My husband used to be so sweet and caring and always wanted to be with me and have me by his side and now he wants nothing to do with me... he comes home (if he comes home) at like midnight and then I get to see him for an hour in the morning which usually ends up like crap because of whatever "I did wrong" that morning and it's always me... I know I am not supposed to feel like I am at fault and I don't, I am angry, I am angry that he chooses everyone over me, that I don't matter to him anymore, that I am last on his list of cares and I feel like the dirt on the bottom of his shoe. He never comes home for dinner, my daughter thinks he hates her, it's her stepdad. I am just so mad that I mean so little to him and that I care so much and love him so much for nothing in return. I am so hurt and feel like I am going to explode with frustration. He runs out on me, tells me how horrible I am. I feel so so full of hurt and pain... I changed everything in my life for him, picked up my daughter and moved here dealt with horrible custody and relocation battles all to live in a house full of hurt and nothing but hateful words. He can be so mean, not physically but verbally and emotionally. He has beaten me down emotionally so much and I don't recognize the person I am anymore. I have had anxiety and depression all my life but it's at such an extreme now because of all the crap from him and his friends. His friend's girlfriend calls and harasses me, pretending to be other women looking for him but she has such an extremely recognizable voice I called her out and she hung up, but she harassed me for hours one night. they push me and push me and I don't understand why he won't stick up for me to them, he lets it go, they are horrible people and he doesn't see it. I just feel so lonely and I try to tell him how much I miss him and just want him to be with me to spend time with me, and I was crying when I said that today while he was in the shower and he said why so I can be subjected to this crap all the time. I told him that if he would be home more I might not be so emotional, cause when he's home he doesn't drink but he does like to pick fights to be able to run out and leave. I don't get why he has to go to his friends EVERY day! Everyday. I see him for an hour or two when he does come home and I swear in the past 3 days I have seen him for 1 1/2 hr. He actually talked to me a little today on the phone while he was at work cause he was working on taxes and he was him, the man I knew and loved, but once he steps into his friends place I am like the enemy... he completely changes. I don't get why... I don't understand why he can be nice and tell me he loves me and misses me but then he turns cold when he gets there and doesn't want to talk to me. I am just so full of pain... I just can't take him being mean to me, I am not a bad person and I need him to be nice and sweet and loving again... he will give me stuff for valentine's day and a card saying he loves me more than anything but then the next day he hates me... it's just such a rollercoaster and I can't concentrate on my schoolwork, my finals are next week and I can't focus. I need to read and study but I just can't get through it. My friends and family say just put it out of your mind and focus on that and your daughter, well they are not experiencing it. they don't know how hard it is when I am sitting here reading and i hear the garage door open and I feel like the damn dog all excited greeting him at the door and then to just be pushed away so he can go get more clothes to turn around and leave... I am not at the point where I can just push it out of my mind. It's all I can do to function for my daughter right now and be a mom to her. Make her and I dinner, deflect questions as to why daddy isn't here for dinner again. try to get her to do her work but she knows what is going on, she is far from naive and way beyond her age in maturity. My friend told me he has beaten me down so much emotionally to make me think I need him when in reality he is the one that needs me, is it true? I love him with all of my heart and I try to tell him and I told him today that I feel like I do not matter to him and he said that was how he felt and I said what are you talking about? I tell you everyday how much I love you and I do so much for you and he said actions speak louder than words and I was thinking exactly... I don't know what to do anymore... I am so frustrated and my anxiety has me completely emotionally unstable, my meds are not working enough to calm me down. I just feel like I am going to lose it. I am scared, I am scared for him, cause something is wrong with him, besides the alcohol, I am scared for my sanity and my daughter's sanity. I don't want her exposed to him cursing me out in the worst way cause of nothing. thank you all for replying and listening... I am just so sick of being at fault for everything... it is beyond exhausting... I just want him to care and I want to feel like he loves me and that I matter, I just want to matter... I want to feel important to him... I need to feel important and that I matter cause I right now do not feel like it at all... I feel like I am nothing... nothing but a maid...

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear cas

I am so very sorry that you are living with this pain and chaos. I urge you to break the isolation caused by this disease and attend alanon face to face meetings in your community You can find the times and places by going to

the following link:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

You deserve to live in peace and be supported emotionally while you recover from the devastating effects of this disease.

We also have on line meetings here as well Please take action to help yourself. It was at alanon meetings I learned to focus on my self, live one day at at time, acting in my own best interest and not RECTING.

You are not alone.

f2fmember · Veteran Member

If my husband could make me angry or upset then he had an excuse to drink......its all part of the game.

I asked him in early sobrity why he treated me so badly......he said ...because he could ! I allowed it.

Alanon teaches us not to allow it and to start looking after ourselves.
we learn slowly over time to accept unacceptable behaviour.

We become confused about how to make it stop.

The fact is we can't make anything stop.....all we can do is remove ourself from it.

Theres a reading in our literature that talks about pigeons sitting in a tree.
We sit under the tree and blame the pigeons for doing what they do.
The fact is the pigeons do what pigeons do because they are pigeons,
and not because we sit under the tree.
Alanon teaches us to love the pigeons, but not to sit under trees !

I really hope you find some peace soon xxx

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.