The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Actually, I could use prayer, meditative thoughts, or whatever way you choose to uplift a friend in need. I am feeling more and more like I need to make a decision about separating or divorcing my AH. He refuses to discuss what HE wants and keeps putting the entire marriage back on my plate, "Whatever you decide, dear, it's up to you, " is basically his whole take on our marriage. After 17 years I thought that maybe he'd want to fight for us but he's revealed that he's grown tired of ME working my program and he's not happy. I have told him before that he can walk away, divorce me, he has choices too, but he will just put it all back on my plate and leave any BIG decisions up to me. He has said that he won't be the 'bad guy' by filing, he's leaving that up to me.
Most recently, I have felt that his condescending comments, attitudes, and disrespectful comments are pushing me to my limit. I feel sorry for him that he feels that he can hurt me by making snide comments or by turning a criticism into a compliment and watching to see how I react when he twists his words and then says, "See, wasn't I positive there?" When really he was criticizing the way I was driving. I'm just feeling tired of it all.
I met with a lawyer the other day to find out how I can better protect myself from his actions when he drinks and drives. We don't have a lot of money but we have enough that I'd like to see protected, we have decent equity in our house, too, considering the awful housing market in Phoenix over the past few years. The lawyer told me I'd be best off going for a divorce. He asked me about abuse(emotional, mental, etc) and I told him a few things that AH had just recently said and some the ongoing lies regarding the ignition interlock, etc. He asked me, "Has your husband ever been evaluated for borderline personality disorder?" Umm, no, but hey, he is finally going to weekly counseling sessions with a psychologist. But, I'm not sure how qualified this guy is or if AH is getting evaluated for specific disorders or not. Quite frankly, it's none of my business at this point.
Anyhoo, I'm just feeling like I keep hitting a wall. I honestly don't trust the man. I don't know what happened along the way but the continuing lies just erode the foundation of our marriage even more and he makes it sound like I'm asking too much by asking him to be honest. There's always an excuse, a deflection, a justification, or a blame game going on with him. Getting a straight and honest answer is difficult, at best, and there are probably times when he is being honest but I don't believe much he says anymore and that's my problem that I need to work on. Yet, I feel that he has to earn my trust, but I don't think he really wants to put the effort in and that's disheartening at best for me.
I guess I'm tired of feeling all alone in my marriage. I turn it all over to my HP every day. I pray daily for his will to be done in my life. I ask him daily what his plans are for our marriage. I am working my steps, I'm feeling closer to my HP than ever before, and honestly I'm actually pretty happy with where I'm going and where I am. I guess I just thought I could continue on and wait to see if AH would come along. Maybe I had expectations? Maybe I'm just being unrealistic? Only time will tell and more will be revealed as we move forward. I know that God has great things in store for me. I truly believe his promises. Now, I just have to step out in faith and be open to the answers God has for me, for us. Thanks for reading!
I can relate to so much of your post since my own situation is similar. Not so long ago someone said to me 'do you need to decide today?' There is nothing wrong with researching, doing the ground work and knowing our options because if and when I choose to make a decision about separating or ending our marriage it will be difficult and exhausting, so I might as well make it as easy as possible by having the appropriate tools in place. That does not mean that I have to make a choice before I am ready though.
There are lots of pointers in your post that show that change is required and of course lies and abuse erode a marriage. For me it is a case of 'I wish I knew then what I know now'. I wish that I had been a bit more protective of myself and of my esteem in my husband earlier on in our journey but from where I stand now I am thankful to have learnt some lessons ie. that I do not have to put up with any abusive behaviour and it is up to me to stand on my own two feet to follow my dreams and that it does not help him if I put up with bad behaviour. My self esteem is is the part that I can and will look after. Dignity, dignity dignity!!! I have to remind myself that it is not a battle though. If AH wants to share a good life with me, that would be really lovely, but at the moment he would need to make an effort to be an equal in my life. I think that he would like that as much as I would but for some reason that has nothing to do with me, and a lot to do with addiction, his alcoholism rejects that option in any way it can.
A line from your post that just jumped out at me is 'I'm tired of feeling all alone in my marriage.' I've felt that way on for years and years but I am thankful that I have never felt all alone in my life. I would love it if my husband was a more positive part of my life but he has a few dragons to slay first. As you imply, he has to make an effort at this stage and decide what, if anything, is worth protecting and making amends for. I still think he is worth fighting for but I can not, and indeed should not, do that bit for him. And that feels like a good release from a difficult responsibility
Good on you for protecting your investments, dealing with the legal implications of drink driving, finding out what your options are going forward. Isn't it ironic how 'one day at a time' applies to us all?
PS Of course your husband is 'tired of you working your programme' - he can see you getting better. And of course he does not want to be the bad guy by filing for divorce - what would people think of him?!
I was in this headspace for literally years (at least 3)...my sister and others in my life could not understand why I stayed with an AH...and though they would never push or judge...they did want me to get out of a marriage that was, shall we say, a bit less than optimal. (his favorite word for me was the C word). I quietly told him once that I understood he was frustrated, but to please not call me that word...his response? If you're being a "c" then I'm going to call you a "c" -- yet still, I stayed.
Then I came home one day and he was passed out on the couch. That's when my decision to divorce became crystal clear. I don't know...it was like all of a sudden I KNEW what I had to do. (HP?) My kids deserved a peaceful, dependable environment to grow up in. I don't miss the chaos or the drama.
I am sending good juju as you slog through this...and I agree with the previous post...is there any reason to rush this? maybe just to protect yourself financially? -- I wish I had done this sooner -- I probably could have avoided a bankruptcy. My dad would say "If you can't make a decision, then it's not the right time to make one." For me, this was really true.
Prayers and positive energy on the way. Yesterday and today's reading in the C2C points to success as long as we keep showing up, working the program and trusting HP.
You are doing well. The fact that you can even think about this all and stay logical and relatively focused shows your progress. Things are happening how and when they are meant to.
Hugs ilds, I tired to pm you and my internet went down for a bit!!
You will know, when in doubt don't. Sending you love and support p :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Pushka, thank you. Try that message again when you have time.
I talked with my sponsor and even though the lawyer recommended divorce I am waiting it out and still keeping in prayer to my HP. Thank you all for the support.
Dear ilovedogs, i can relate to what you are describing right now. I can only support what Pushka says..when in doubt..dont'... and pinchkip, yes you will know what to do when time is telling you what to do. Keep moving, don't stop your awareness bout what's going on.. This was how it happened for me...and then somehow things happened, one thing lead to the other, HP has some stones put in my way, that were too big to be ignored. and i could decide what to do. Honesty is a big value, also for me...and I started cherishing it more and more. Don't give up on that value...it's a valid one. You have compassion also, that's also a valid value...just don't forget to give it to yourself at the same time you give it to others. In support, be who you are....
