Why do I think my son will be different - Al-Anon Family Group

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

Why do I think my son will be different

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

It's funny.....I think because my son has been sober for a while and he wanted to make amends and help me why I would think OK....this time it's going to end and be different. He has changed.

My son did a computer job last week and made 60 dollars ( one hours work). He then came up and did some yard work for me but when I got home he was a little funny acting but I didn't say a thing. So now he has this 60 bucks that he said he gave to his landlord BUT he has dropped off the face of the earth. Me thinks he's drinking.....got money....drink....no money sober. It is never ending.

And I to think he is changing.....I just got to laugh it's so crazy.

Now to get on with my life....I'm at peace

(((( hugs ))))

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Agreeing with AstongerMe, he will be who he is and none of it is easy. It can be easier, though, if you keep the focus on yourself. I have learned to take whatever my AH says with a grain of salt. I can choose to believe it, I can choose to project my thoughts about it and I find this very easy to do by the way, or I can let it float past me and not grab hold. One of my biggest issues as a codependent person is that I ruminate on all kinds of possibilities. Here's an example from just recently in my life:

I go out back and see that AH had built a fire a few nights before. I see burnt wood pieces laying around the side yard, I see his pouch of tobacco laying on the ground underneath the porch swing swirled around with leaves, I see his lighter sitting on the edge of a chair. Now, I know full well that when I'm out of town he's going to drink. So, I ASSUME he sat out there, drank, and then 'forgot' to clean up his tobacco pouch, grab his lighter, or clean up the burnt wood that is now making a mess in my side yard garden(UGH). On the flip side, I could assume that he just forgot those things because he's forgetful and that he's just careless and that he didn't drink. Yes, history does repeat itself but I'm learning that assumptions aren't healthy for me or for my relationship with God. I work on asking God what the truth is and what I really need to know about it. As I've heard in the rooms of Al Anon for a while now: more will be revealed. So, the best course of action for us is to read some Al Anon literature, go for a walk, journal, or pet our furry animal friends because really, in the end: how important to your serenity is it? Thanks for the thought provoking post, Cathy!

oldergal · Senior Member

Cathy, I think its ok to pray and have hope that your son will change. It's when we obsess about the idea that he will change that it becomes unhealthy for us. I think its ok to remember him as a beautiful person. But like I said we can't let that idea obsess us so that we don't move. We should continue making ourselves better people through the Al-Anon program, therefore making the world a better place to live.

In Support of your growth....Oldergal

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes I do obsess still but it's not to the degree like in the past. Thank you all for the reminder of what I'm still doing. I'm going to work hard to overcome my obsessions and practice, practice, practice.

So nice to have you all in my life

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Cathy)))

Be gentle with yourself He is your son and you are human. You are a mom and will never stop being concerned for him,his safety and life. I found that with the alanon tools that I could still be concerned, but not interfere, still worry but not obsess, still love but not smother. still live without being destroyed by this disease.

Keep on taking care of you.

Rustyray · Newbie

This is my first post in this group. For today I certainly found the right string of comments and responses. I wish you all the very best, and can tell I have much to learn from you. I'm just beginning to crack through denial about our 42 y/o daughter who has clearly been alcoholic since high school. She has basically functioned well until the last couple of years when her job began to be affected. Couple of suicide attempts followed. We bailed her out of a large debt to the IRS thinking her new job would mean a new start and a new person (magical thinking isn't it). Despite thinking we had a handle on our codependency, I can see now how much we didn't! I'm beginning again to read the al-anon literture religiously plus a few other books from Hazelden, etc. Need to give a local meeting a try again also. We have some crunch times coming in the not too distant future and will need all the help we can get. Blessings to all!

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Betty You make it all so easy when you have the total Al-anon concept and knowledge behind you. I have so much to remember and learn but someday I will..

(((( Betty ))))

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Cathy,

My understanding of this is even if someone is in AA there is always the possibility they will slip. That makes it more important for me to have my boundaries in place, know what they are and what is a hard or soft boundary. The hope always is that the A will jump back up on the sobriety horse sooner than later. Hopefully he will find his way back to his program and it will stick harder. The saying I hear around AA is there is nothing worse than a drunk with a belly full of beer and a head full of AA.

The difference between being a caretaker and a caregiver? Caretaker is taking away someone's dignity to figure out a difficulty on their own and assisting without being asked. A caregiver is giving help where it is asked for without enabling.

Be patient with yourself to Cathy, none of this is going to come over night, it's a time takes time situation .. patience is hard learned sometimes. I agree you can learn to be concerned, aware and so on, .. he's your child always will be, .. allowing the active A's activity to consume me only hurts me.

Hugs P :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Honey everyone is going to do what they are. I learned to not hope anything. Just accepted whoever my A was or is, is going to use or not. Is not my problem, or issue. I just love them. Of course we want the best for our kids. But I had to change that thought. That he is still my son, still my baby. I don't don't choose to react one way or another. I pray for his happiness, that is it.

I learned to not take their using or not personal, learned to make it not anything I wanted to give energy to anymore than if he had a wart on the endof his nose.

I watched him grow into a man I cannot even tell you how much I love and honor him. And he was a butt believe me.

Cathy your son is fine just how he is, details don't matter. We can love them, pray for them, learn not to bounce off their disease.

There are so many of our loves that have passed we cannot even do that. I invite you to just love him. hugs honey, debilyn who is so glad you are so much a part of mIP.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Rustyray wrote:
This is my first post in this group. For today I certainly found the right string of comments and responses. I wish you all the very best, and can tell I have much to learn from you. I'm just beginning to crack through denial about our 42 y/o daughter who has clearly been alcoholic since high school. She has basically functioned well until the last couple of years when her job began to be affected. Couple of suicide attempts followed. We bailed her out of a large debt to the IRS thinking her new job would mean a new start and a new person (magical thinking isn't it). Despite thinking we had a handle on our codependency, I can see now how much we didn't! I'm beginning again to read the al-anon literture religiously plus a few other books from Hazelden, etc. Need to give a local meeting a try again also. We have some crunch times coming in the not too distant future and will need all the help we can get. Blessings to all!

You might want to start your own post and let us know a little about you. We are all here to help each other
. I know what your going though and so do many others here. We love our kids so much and it hurts too see them distroy themselves.

You are in my thoughts today....Cathy

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.