The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
yes you were so right on about 'i'm right where I'm supposed to be', according to the situation. i accepted that now. Thanks for the support, reading your post feels like solid crutches when I broke my leg only yesterday, and already trying to walk again today, or even running the next marathon !mmmh
I am in withdrawal, i accepted that too, and I can see it clearly now. I confuse 'missing someone', with 'missing the sensations attached to that someone'. My pride certainly got hit...and in a way, it's not a bad thing. Pride stands in the way of our recovery so many times. I started to go easy on myself, reaching out to others more, shutting up when I feel like cursing, trying to be more friendly, less frustrated about the past, and giving myself some understanding....feeling the anger was good for some time, but I want my peace back, ...so dear anger, please take a break now and leave me with my positive motivation. you are allowed to come back but don't make too much noise, I'm practicising compassion and forgiveness with self and others.
Today I am feeling compassion...surprisingly, but it feels better working on forgiveness that it feels to work on revenge. I found my book about vipassana meditation again (my HP put it right in front of me, sneaky), it's really healing just to read those wise words: 'our task is to eradicate suffering by eradicating its causes: ignorance, craving and aversion.and: attachment and suffering are always found together'...
Well that alone gives me enough to work on a lifetime I guess, i stop pointing the finger at someone else, because I realize I'm quite busy with taming my own mind.
again Thank you for sharing your own thought whenever I reach out. It feels safe and you contribute so much to my new trust.
I will come back and back and back. walking together.
My mind is a terrible place to go alone. That's why I need the steps of alanon and others to help me through my own darkest times.
I found my compassion this past week how long it will last or stick around I don't know, I feel less angry at the moment than I have in a long time. I will say there is something to be said for a man who is laid up in bed and allows his STBX in the room with him while he's sedated .. I started laughing and him and the nurse looked at me and I said sorry, .. the most inappropriate thought crossed my mind .. as in .. you wouldn't happen to have a sharpy on you would you?? LOL .. well don't know how the STBAX took that however the nurse and I rolled, and he gets major credit for being that brave or maybe he was that desperate I don't know, that's something.
At this point I won't go to forgiveness as much as I will acceptance, .. acceptance that he is who he is and he's not going to change until the pain is bad enough. Right now the pain is bad enough .. it doesn't mean there isn't that magic trapped door that pulls to any person to the next bottom, .. us or the A's. The trap door remains and it is a choice to walk through it or not.
My daughter taught me long before I came to the rooms of alanon that if you are pointing a finger at someone else there are three pointing back at you. It def gave me pause to think hmmm .. I think I better take that into consideration.
Keep working your program and keep coming back, it really works if you work it!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I posted recently on one of Pushka's thread about a short reading by the Dali Lama that I read. He talks about our enemies and those against us as being our inner guru because our enemies teach us lessons in life. He basically says that if we don't practice patience or compassion against them, how will we know what it is? How can we learn and be tested and grow if it's all unicorns, rose, and puppies, LOL(as my AH would say when he talks about how I sometimes see the world)? Well, that's a good point, right? Our experiences through being involved with addicts of any kind is teaching us life lessons IF we're open to learning them: compassion, patience, love, faithfulness, self-control, etc. I may not like the way my HP has chosen to teach these things to me, but I am more open to seeing it and having my heart and mind open to my own growth in this process.
Forgiveness will come for all of us eventually, although I struggle with it at times. I, too, struggle with acceptance but my HP reminds me that he is the one who I need to turn it over to and I am finally learning to let go and let God. It truly is a learning process and I sometimes see a child learning to read and I remember how I taught my own child to read. One step at a time, one letter at a time, one short word at a time, one short sentence at a time, etc. HP can't teach us everything in one fell swoop, he teaches us as we open our mind to the possibilities before us, as we release our fears, learn to trust, and give it over to him one day at a time.
Thank you for sharing, Tortuga, your post was very thought provoking and it is so obvious how you are growing!
!mmmh