The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, my ABF is out of jail, again. I refused to visit him, write or talk to him on the phone. Can you believe this upset him! WTF!! I have told him how negatively his drinking effects me but only get blamed and denials. Since his release he has seen me practice detachment, he says I am selfish. No concept of how I want to recover. I have been trying to end the relationship but I think it is my inability to believe change will not happen. He has made it clear, give me strength!!
The time to believe change can happen is after it's happened. Otherwise it's like saying "Will the Martians land tomorrow?" Well, they could. But are there any big signs of it? Flying saucers skimming along the streets every day? Little green men sending helloes on all the TV networks? If not, there's an excellent chance no Martians will land tomorrow. Similarly, is your A working a formal program of recovery? Does he have a sponsor? Is he doing the steps? Has he made amends or is he actively getting ready to? Has he shown that he has understood the harm he's caused? Has he been patient with your expressions of pain and sadness? Has he been off all substances for as long as he's been working his formal program of recovery? If not, you can predict the answer, as sure as you can about the Martians.
Lots of times we listen to our hopes and not to reality. But our hopes can't fulfill our needs. Real life needs to do that, not our imaginations. I hope you'll take good care of yourself.
Ok .. I'm going to bed now dreaming of little green men .. thank you Mattie!! LOL!
Hugs Heather,
I just can't imagine how hard and painful this is for you.
Something that always stuck with me about waiting and wanting to believe they will change is .. OMGosh .. what if they change for someone else and I just wasn't good enough to make it happen. Now .. logically I'm going to say that is the biggest hairbrain idea I could have .. logically I'm going to tell you I better get to work on some serious step 4 stuff .. logically I'm going to say the odds of seeing little green martians running around tomorrow are pretty slim (if it happens it's all Matties fault!! :)P ) My heart and even parts of my brain that don't work clearly are going to move all of the logic straight out of my brain, straight on to never never land all because of that simple insecurity that is 100% about my own self esteem.
Be gentle with yourself because you are worth it. Keep coming back, hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Heather--Hugs to you! I have found in my life that any relationship is like a machine that has gears and moving parts. If one part changes the shape of even one of the gears, then the machine doesn't run smoothly--or grinds to a halt and doesn't run at all. You are making changes for YOU--detachment, pulling back from forcing solutions, so your "gear" has changed shape. Your ABF doesn't know how to function with these new ways of the machine running. He will send you messages of "change back" by his behavior of blaming, punishing you for detaching. This is when it gets tough to maintain your detachment. This is a normal response to you changing because he only knows what to do when you are enmeshed. Keep doing exactly what you are doing. Focus on yourself and your needs. Whether he changes or not, you are changing. Hugs!
Crazycatlady
Hey crazy cat, Thank you for the wonderful support and advice. It has gotten so bad I had to block him from being able to contact me by phone, he can not accept he is not hearing or getting what he wants from me. Like you said, "he does not know how to function with my new ways". I feel strong and will continue on a path of recovery for myself.
