The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't have much time to post as this is at work, but the short story is that I finally got my AH to admit to 9 months of cheating with a woman that he kept denying and lying about. It's a long story that maybe I can tell in more detail later. Even though I knew it was going on, all his denials and making me feel crazy did the job on me and now that I have this final closure that it did happen, I asked him to move out. And the last time I posted, I wrote about how he had threatened our son with bodily harm when he was drunk. So there are so many reasons for me to leave him, since he still has made no commitment to me to stop drinking, and I know I can't ask for that anyway. He has to be ready. And frankly, I have lost all hope. I care about him, but I don't want the pain anymore.
I had to lie myself to get him to admit to the affair. My roommate had told me that he had helped AH move a bed for the other woman because she got a divorce a few weeks ago. So I told him that I had hired a private investigator to watch him and that I knew everything and had photos to prove it, and did he want to see them?? He said no, lol. But I told him about how the investigator saw him moving the bed and going back and forth between her place. He finally admitted to it only because he thought he was caught red handed. So I caught him by lying myself.
Over the weekend he kept saying he was very sorry and all that. Asked me if he could wait to move out until he started his new job next week. He really has no where to go, I would have to throw him out on his butt. The problem is that I realize so much now how co-dependent I am and how much I want to be nice and take care of him. Now that his lying has been busted, he is doing all these nice things around the house, being patient, putting the kids to bed for me, drinking less (but not stopping), having less anger, etc...I know it is temporary, but it does make me feel guilty. And as he does these nice things, if I still stick with him moving out, he will only get mad and later say, "but I'm trying, I did all these nice things for you!" I just know it.
While he is living here, it makes it hard to stay mad when he is being nice, and I think he thinks his foot is back in the door. I am a nice person and always have taken care of his needs before my own. And I told him that is the problem. That I want to be happy and for it to be about me and not focused on him, and that I need to get healthy. He asked if he still had a chance to make it up to me. I said only if he moved out. The problem is, he isn't looking very hard for apartments, and it will take a while before he has money to get one on his own.
Our sex life was always there, but mechanical, even though he told friends and probably the other woman that we hadn't had sex in 8 months. I was so angry when I heard this from the roommate. Even though we were still having sex, it lacked intimacy and caring, tenderness, as probably most alcoholic marriages do. So now he is trying to give me hugs, kisses on the cheek, and rub my back, etc., when for years this is what I craved, some snippet of intimacy, closeness. He is just trying to draw me back into the merry go round and he will wind up being the same way. I am not expecting any change from him. I don't want to sleep with him anymore after what happened, my emotions are destroyed, there is lots of resentment. His way of getting me back, he thinks is by being nice, giving me a back rub, and then trying to have sex with me. It just shows how sick he is, because he can't think of how I am hurt. He thinks that if we have sex, that will solve it all, that I must still love him. He has even forced himself on me before in the past, when drunk. He already tried two days after he revealed the affair, but I have said no, that I wasn't going there. I asked him how he could think that I would be willing to go back to the same place...he will keep trying and I want no part of him sexually right now. And besides, my roommate told me of other indescretions he has had over the years, that I never found out about. I can't deal with that. All I have done for him! But I can't let him know that I know this, because the roommate (once his best friend and drinking buddy who is now sober) is not supposed to be telling me all this. I need to get checked for STD's. He says he does not love the woman and it was mostly an emotional affair. I searched high and low for closeness with him, having talks, but he was drunk most of the time, gone to see her. He likes to blame the kids and how we have disciplined them as part of the problem. He still will not take full responsibilty...I don't know, maybe he shouldn't, maybe I have added to it by being sick myself.
A few of my women friends say that I should have kicked him out or I should have left. It's not possible for me to leave because he can't take care of the house properly. I decided that I can afford to stay in the home we own, if he starts his new job. Once he starts that job, he will be able to afford his own small apartment and I think we will be able to pay all our bills, but barely. We will just get a separation and work on things slowly. I don't know if he will be able to keep the job, only time will tell. He hasn't lost any jobs or missed any days when he has worked, just been demoted once and got a bad reference from his last job that he quit to go somewhere else. It will be demanding, and when he does move out, I know it will be stressful and hard for him, and he will most likely drink more. But that's not my problem. He can move in with his girlfriend if he wants.
I just need to know...how do you stay strong and not get sucked back in? I thought I could do this, I know I could do this, but it is making me feel guilty the longer he stays.
If it helps - marriage is a contract wherein both parties agree to care about the other's best interests as well as their own. If one person breaks the contract - there is no more marriage. No one can tell you what is best for you in this case, but if his choices to cheat and then lie about it are deal breakers for you - then you would be cheating yourself of living the life you really want if you stayed married to him. If you decide his choices are deal breakers for you and act on your values, the consequences for his cheating and lying are his to experience - not yours.
He's been cheating on you and lying about it for eight months and you feel guilty at kicking him out? Isn't the insanity amazing?
I wonder if it really is guilt that you feel? In my case it was fear and addiction to my A. A whole lot of crazy thoughts were in my brain like 'I'll never get anyone better anyway' and 'If he leaves I can't endure the sadness and the emotions' (this was so wrong -- talk about False Evidence Appearing Real!) and 'This is my last chance for a relationship so I'd better take this, no matter how bad it is, rather than die sad and lonely and pathetic.' Of course he had never done anything to contradict any of these thoughts, because they kept me putting up with all the bad behavior.
I would suggest that 'He doesn't have anywhere to go' is a situation that suits him just fine, because then he can stay with you and have his cake and eat it too. Under those circumstances there's absolutely no reason for him to look for a new place. Now if he were sleeping on a friend's couch, that would be a reason to look for a new place. But not as it is.
When they do these things, basically they're asking, 'Is it okay if I do this? Can I get away with it? Shall I continue to treat you like this?' You might ask yourself, 'What is my current behavior telling him? What is my answer?'
No advice to give, other than to thank you for sharing your story and your strength. Sending your hugs and prayers that you continue to keep all the clarity and strength you've already shown in the situation
What has resonated with me so much is what Mattie has shared, if he's not doing anything different trust me .. nothing has really changed and he will continue to get the same results. It rings true for me as well. Until I do something different than nothing is changing.
The questions at the end of her share .. "You might ask yourself, 'What is my current behavior telling him? What is my answer?'"
Hugs P :)
Keep coming back you deserve someone who will treat you with respect and dignity.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I was just thinking about you today and praying for your safety. I read your post and could identify with most of it until you mentioned that HE thinks that the discipline of the children have affected your relationship and that is the problem . Forgetting about the cheating and drinking, I feel that His discipline of the children is the problem and completely unacceptable. You know in your heart of hearts that what he does is unacceptable. It is the parents responsibility to guard and protect o the small souls that share your home. I urge you to attend more meetings, get a sponsor, work the Steps and know that you and the children deserve to live in a safe nurturing environment
I put up with so so much unacceptable behaviour due to mu illness. when i started the steps and began to get healthy i saw how much i negelected myself. i am just starting steps 8 and 9 and i will be at the top of my amends list. my partner always says he has no where to go and always finds somewhere, when he drinks we do not live together as i love myself and protect myself today and my children. My partner is nearly 40 and if i died tomorrow he would have to take care of himself it is not my responsibilty, plus he has his own hp. My job is to look after myself and the kids. i agree with hotrod get to as many meetings as you can. i go to al anon and coda because i was that addicted to my abf. today he is sober and we live together again. i can live without him and have a happy life, i am with him because i choose to be not because i need to be. but i had six months on my own left him to sort self out. cheeating is unacceptable my parter has done it when drubk but 8 months, i do not know there are plenty of healthy men on this planet . take what you like and leave the rests it works if you ework it and YOU are worth it hugs and prayers tracy xxxxx
Thanks for sharing I am in a similar predicament. It's been a few months since I confirmed the affair I am choosing to live with my sober A until I get financially stable. But we live as roommates more than husband and wife. I got a second job to get out of some debts I had accumulated. Next month is my last big payment. Then I will save one more month to afford a deposit and rent an apt. It's been a long hard few months as I get tempted to think that maybe it will work out but In my head I know it won't. It's funny cuz when he drank he would drink at home and never cheated then he got sober and started to get his life together and then he cheated. He still tells me he loves me and on Valentines he showed up to my work with roses, balloons and a gigantic present. I told him thank u and thats it we have not slept together since i found out abt the affair. Later that week I found out he gave the exact same gifts to the other woman. Who is the insane one? Him for his behavior or me for putting up with it. Either way im almost out of debt and i will get my own place. Good luck...go to meetings and make friends at the meetings so u can call them when the going gets tough.
-- Edited by texasgal on Tuesday 26th of February 2013 04:05:33 PM
It's not good having him in the house...he is trying really hard being the good dad and husband right now, but I think it is temporary. And I have been sleeping in the other room, but he keeps coming in there, wanting to have talks, trying to rub my back, etc. I want him to stay calm and not get his stress levels up, otherwise he will be a mess when he moves out, but I don't want to "play house" with him anymore. However, it's hard for a co-dependent not to be drawn back in, despite all the stuff going on. He is still drinking, but not as much, so he is also more pleasant to be around, but I know this won't last. He is already having issues with the new job starting Monday, I guess the guy is not calling him back. Sounds fishy. So he applied for other jobs, but they have to be equal pay or he will not be able to afford to move out. Oh what a mess this is, and the added stress of having an alcoholic employee at work who sometimes doesn't show up, and my father now has cancer but they are taking a wait and see approach right now, and I've got my plate full at work for the month of March, and my DS is getting evaluated for potentially being on the "spectrum" but I think it is more of the hyperactive kind. Both children need lots of attention, and not having many family or friends here has added to everything. Please pray for me and give me strength!
All of your posts made me think a lot...I have been putting up with an enormous amount and I don't know why I still am. I guess I want that illusion of one big happy nuclear family but it is not to be. I am changing, but slowly. I have no interest in telling him to stop drinking (although now that I've asked him to move out and he is still in the house, I think he should stop drinking while he is still here just out of respect for me and what has occurred. That's the least he could do if he wants a roof over his head, but the hardest part for him). Otherwise, I could care less that he still drinks, especially since I am focusing on myself. I no longer really care if he continues to drink, as long as he does move out, because it will not affect me or the kids directly from day to day anymore, I hope.
It was a hard decision for me to make to stay for these months but I am staying only to get financially stable to move out. I sleep on the couch and since I have two jobs I am at work from 7 am until 11pm. When I do have days off I go to a meeting or I go out with one of my program friends to eat or hang out. I just go home to sleep. Its not the greatest situation but I am getting through one day at a time.
I will have u in my prayers :)
I'm in the same position _ my husband works away and for the first year stayed sober, then started drinking and things changed - he is away 10 weeks and home for 3, I thought it was me because he wasn't interested in sex etc. I was in denial thinking that it was my fault but in October found out that he's been drinking and whoring for the last 2 years. I was devastated adn joined al anon instantly and am going for councelling as well. at the end of his last trip I kissed him good bye told him I loved him and that I knew about the women and the drinking. he said that we'd have the "talk"this time round - he's due home on the 18th March. I've been through every emotion possible and yet I still fear - exactly what I'm not sure - I'm financially dependent on him and when he's nice on the phone I think I want to do the right thing and give him a second chance (like I was given in aa). I pray everyday for strength to make the right decision and have a plan to build a nest egg so that I will be independent financially but god its hard and sometimes I want to hurt him so badly emotionally, its a very emotionally conflicting time, but I hang on to my HP and know or try to know that there is a reason somewhere for this and that I will live through it whatever the outcome. I'm dreading the 18th =- he has a terrible temper adn can be very verbally abusive - anyone got some pointers on how to start the conversation?
