The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well yes, it has to happen I guess. ABF is gone since over a week, and we have no contact at all, so I am back to fighting my own feelings. Whereas i was quite balanced before I met him, much more advanced in my own recovery, I am now a lost mess. Memories of a strong and happy me seems to be just a reminder of better times.
Wow, my moods are out of balance, it's terrifying how quick they change. i woke up yesterday in a quite peaceful mood, came to post to share soemthing positive for once, only to see it going down the drain along the day.it didn't last, I went back to feeling more anger, resentment and jealousy. and one more restless night.
ABF sucked my energy out, I let myself use and abuse, he is basically now copy-pasting my life skills into hus own, with his new girlfriend, playing hero, or just being the King he was supposedly born to be. I could literally throw up in front of his arrogance. Guess what, my ex ABF is the first alcoholic he claims he has recovered from it in only 6 months, when his doctor told him before that he was gonna live only 2 more years if keeping up with this rythm of drinking. He also now says, 'yes i was an alcoholic, but I'm not anymore',now sir King is treating all other living alcoholics as deamons, like poor people, like he was something better all of a sudden. and he tells ME to get healthy and become more human!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I should be happy for him, that he learned to live a healthy life now, but I'm not. I want to beat him up, for all the pain he has given me, that I never wanted. He dropped me like dirt...and I know, this is all projection, but it still hurts.
I also understand this is a breakup+the aftermath of sharing the life with an alcoholic, so the broken heart might feel a bit more broken and in pieces. Theoretically i understand all these psychological mechanisms, and i know only time can heal, but damn, my life is a mess right now. I also don't want to drown in self-pity, but i need to get going, and i want the pain and hate to go away. How could I have stored so much of it in the back of my heart. and how can he look at himself in the mirror everyday... I would be him, I would drown in shame and guilt!!!!
Sorry you are having such a tough time right now. Hard enough to deal with breaking up but when you throw the alcoholism in it makes it so much worse. All you can do is try to take it one day at a time and don't be afraid to actuall feel your feelings. I pray that peaceful feeling comes back and stays sooner rather than later. Take advantage of whatever f2f support you have and keep yourself busy. The power of accomplishing even the smallest of tasks when you are feeling bad cannot be underestimated. God bless.
Mahalo Tortuga for sharing your journey again. It reminded me of the value and power of a sponsor and the meetings so that I would not be or struggle alone. We also go thru withdrawals when we stop doing what we use to do so often and so invested even when it didn't work. Time for self love sister... I learned in program that "Love cannot exist without some dimension of justice" Loving yourself with the same value as you did the alcoholic...is justice. ((((hugs))))
Keep moving forward. 1 week out of breaking up is supposed to be like you are talking about. Take care of yourself and go easy on yourself. Eventually, you'll stop caring about him and what he does.
You are doing it all just fine...it is surprising to me, too, when I sink into dark times. Last week was dark....I put on my best party costume named Damsel in Distress and danced with a partner named Shame and oh boy did I go down in the dumper.
This reading was sent to me once and I loved it; it has provided me an answer to the "Why": "In the midst of depression I once asked my spiritual director how I could be feeling such despair when not long before the depression hit I had been feeling so close to God? 'Simple," she said. 'The closer you get to the light, the closer you get to the darkness.' The deepest things in life come not....singly but in paradoxical pairs, where the light and dark intermingle"-Parker Palmer
Hi Tortuga,
I'm sorry you are in this pain and let me tell you I have been there. Think about your situation and add to it the guy going out and publicly humiliating you all over the state so everyone looks at you differently. I actually DID vomit in the mornings and spending 30 hours with this person with no sex or marriage brought me that back.
My personal experience is that pride wants to "stand up for ourselves" and arrange situations to suit ourselves, get revenge, stalk people etc and pride is very powerful. It will keep rearing its ugly head.
That is not the Solution.
You will need to hear this many times over the coming months as you heal and you CAN finally heal these patterns if you have the support of a sponsor (why not take this time to go thru AA's big book? Alanon tradition 5 does say we work the SAME steps as the alcoholic) and if you are in enough pain to do your own work everyday.
In sex conduct, to yield (just try with all your will power) to not repeat these patterns, that won't be enough. They have to be grown through.
The 12 steps are not psychological, they're spiritual.
This is not about the guy. Forget the past it can't be fixed and believe it or not it doesn't matter. What matters is your healing and living the life God has waiting for you.
When I started that work I had just thrown myself away for yet another ex-con who I allowed to use me up and within 5 months I was so deep in the writing of a 4th step I never even thought about the guy anymore. My new way of life was so hopeful and freeing...I was part of a new group o people and had found my life's work.
It's been a long road with pain but with each mistake I get much more healthy in the sex conduct area and I know gods will for me and who I am and what I'm worth.
If God had someone in mind for you it will happen when you are ready. Take the leap of faith. What do you have to lose?
Love to you
hey tortuga _ I fully identify with you! my husband who works away is an alcoholic and threw 10years away and started drinking again where he works. he comes home for 3 weeks after every 10 and last time I discovered what Ihad feared was the truth - drinking and whoring - but it was the elephant in the room - I knew I was sick when I started giving him sleeping pills in his coffee so I could check both of his mobiles - thats when I knew I had to do something - al anon and my dearest support from aa (I'm and aa) were my greatest support - you'll go thru the death things - I can't remember them in order but denial bargaining disbelief etc till you get to ac ceptance - I'm not there yet myself, but this forum has helped me tremendously, I also started councelling for myself and I have up days and down days - its an emotional rollercoaster and I too still want to hurt the hell out of him. this next break he comes back we're going to have "the talk", so my life is on hold a bit. I found that keeping busy keeps my mind off my pity party, reading al anon books and for me, the Bible, helps me get stronger - somethimes only for a hour, but at least its progress - you are not alone (that doesn't help I know), but this forum has a lot of good advice - read eveything!
