I grew up in an alcoholic home.  When you are a child this becomes your norm.  I constantly watched my parents and became pretty good at reading people.  I never had the attention of my dad.  To him I was a nuisance and stupid.  Things stick with a person after a while.  In a lot of ways I never felt like I could accomplish anything.  In time I did!

When I was a senior in high school I met my first husband.  I had never really had a boy friend before and he showed me a lot of attention. We had a great few years together, but once he turned 21 the chaos and drinking started.  I now know that a lot of times we marry a person just like our dad.  And I did.  Five years later we divorced.  It was very hard but in many ways I was so relieved.  He died of problems associated with Alcoholism when he was 60.  Very sad life he had.

The following year I met my husband on a blind date.  We were 25 and 26 and took things pretty slow.  I felt like I never wanted to get married again, but we did.  We dated for 3 years though.  Things were good with us for a long time.  We both had good jobs, a house, dogs that we loved, friends, etc.  My husband had a forced retired 8 years ago.  He had the age and time so he was able to retire.  A lot of the employees did not, so we felt very lucky.  At first when he retired it was okay.  He was a caregiver to his mom and aunt and seemed okay.  About a year later he got his first DUI.  As I look back I should have seen the signs but did not.  We had to hire an attorney, 3 days of classes, lost his license for 90 days, and a fine.  He continued to drink.  Thirteen months later he had another DUI.  His blood alcohol level was almost three times the normal rate.  He hit a mailbox thankfully and not another person.  He was put in jail, hired another attorney; paid a bigger fine; 52 classes; community services and lost his license for a year.  At that point he went to AA.  I am unsure if he went because he thought he had a problem or if his attorney suggested it.  I had joined Al-anon after his first DUI so I was glad when he joined AA.  A few months later he quit going. 

I feel ala-non saved my life.  When I was a kid growing up I watched my mom attack my dad verbally when he came home drunk.  I did the same thing in my first marriage and again in this marriage, until I went to ala-non.  My husband went 1 1/2 years without drinking.  I felt such peace and loved coming home to him. After almost 6 years without a license he got his back.  Of course every time he left I was nervous but I thought hey I have got to trust him.  When our neighbor died my husband went out and bought some vodka; when things got tough with the care giving of his mom he did the same.  It is interesting to see how they change when they start drinking again.  We can see it, but they think they are hiding it.  Sometimes I feel like he must think I have stupid written on my forehead.  About 4-6 weeks ago he was drunk and we had a huge fight and I told him to leave.  I had never done that before so it was a shock to both of us.  At that point I thought wow I need some help.  I am not going to do this the rest of my life.  I am in counseling and attend the ala-non meetings.  I keep my Courage to Change book close by and am standing back, detaching and taking care of me.  I don't feel angry anymore and feel more at peace with myself.  We have been together for almost 36 years and we love each other very much.  Will that be enough..I have no idea.  But, I am taking one day at a time for myself and my sanity.

Thanks for sharing Jen. I, too, wonder if love is enough!