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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> The trust is gone
Post Info TOPIC: The trust is gone
DebLisa55


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The trust is gone
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My husband was supposed to be in an IOP program from December 2012 to March 2013.  Failed a few tests in January.  I never knew - obviously he did not tell me but neither did the treatment center. Think I already mentioned that in here.  So I called his counselor at the treatment center, and he had all the answers to cover himself.    From if he isn't ready to stop drinking and lying then there isn't much we can do.  To oh, the reason why we didn't tell you about his 3 positive tests is that our lab takes up to 10 days to give us the results.  wtf???  I said maybe you should get a new lab because thats ridiculous but apparently they have a contract with them for a discount.  For a discount - he told me this.  So because of my disagreement with them, my husband figures he is not going there anymore.   And now he started AA meetings, meetings he should have been going to a long time ago.  I feel like he is being rewarded for his bad behavior.  He has only gone to 2 meetings right now.

So now I have to continue to be his mother - do i have to buy tests at cvs to prove he is not drinking?  Every time he comes home from work, I am looking at him to see if he had a drink.  The few times he goes out, I am watching him when he comes home to see if anything is different.  So we constantly fight.  I want to leave.  Forget about him leaving - I want to leave.  I need peace of mind.  I look like I have aged over the past 6 months and I can't take it anymore.  The trust is broken, broken forever.  There is no answer just this hell that I live in day after day. 

I read some of the posts in here and cant believe how many are just like me.  It helps at times but other times like now, I get so mad that we are a part of this insanity.   Its so hard to sit back and watch someone you loved more than anything destroy everything.  Besides death finally ending it, I dont know what to do. 

 

 

 

 



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Debilyn


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Deb a long time ago a wise man here told me,"Drop the rock."

He was so right. The A's disease is his own, if he chooses to drink that is his choice. he is an adult and has a right to his own decisions. We can do NOTHING about if they drink,lie, steal, manipulate, go to meetings whatever. That is their private, personal decision. It has to be.

Would you want someone harping on you if you wanted to lose some weight? Watching you eat, asking what you ate, constantly taking YOUR business and or inventory. no way. we know there are things we must do on our own if we choose to and in our way.

Have you thought about what it would feel like to just stop? Remind yourself, its none of my business. It really was not appropriate of his counselor to tell you anything unless the A signed something that said it is alright. Again none of our business.

We accept them as is and learn skills to stay, we keep it the same and be a mess, or we separate. Our choice.

He is very sick, he did not choose it, it is not personal. Part of being an A is lying, manipulating, not being able to answer questions a lot of the time. I have heard it a million times."I don't know." They really do not, and they really do believe their lies. Their brain is not working right at all. It may be damaged.

You take in a dog, you love it. You knew it had a problem with aggression. then it bites you. you complain, but it was the dogs nature....

A's have a nature, accept it, keep fighting it or leave it.

So what do you want out of life, what do you want to do? Sending you hugs and I Hope you keep coming.

 

 

 

 

 

 



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
el-cee


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Hi, like so many here I truly know where you are coming from. I felt and still do from time to time like you. I had to learn to free myself from this kind of thinking. I have, to a certain extent through Al anon. I had to learn that the A's in my life will drink or they wont either way they are free to make their own choices. Your husband is a grown man, he is seperate to you. You don't have to watch him because while you are watching him you are no longer living your own life. You may be thinking this sounds crazy but when you learn to view things this way a whole new world opens up to you. A better world where you are free to live for yourself, not through him.

You sound really confused and obsessed right now. It may be you have reached your bottom and there is only one way left to go. You could be at the very start of a brilliant journey. A programme of recovery is there for the taking. It sounds too good to be true but beleive me I know they feelings, I know i lived a miserable life too and I blamed it all on my ex AH. I also thought death was the answer, either him or me. Please find your nearest Alanon meetings and go with an open mind, listen to what you hear and let the program begin its magic.

Take care.x



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Tracy


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This disease steals so much from us.  Alcoholism is a family illness, we become very ill while trying to fix the drinker.  In al anon meetings we learn about alcoholism and how alcoholics are very sick, NOT BAD.  This disease made me hate my partner want him to Die at times or for me to die, just to get peace, it is a horrible way to live.  But theire is help ad acure for you and your husbadn.  the others are right he has to want to get the help and if you learn how to get out of the way in al anon he may look for it one day himself.  However you cabn get some help for youeslf, I hope you dio.  I used to be so so sad, I felt ninety like my life was over.  I was so angre and full of hate.  Today I and so happy the complete opposite, but I worked gard for it.  I have been going to meetings, reading and doing everything suggested.  Only al anon paople understand what it is like they live it they can help if you want it.   Hugs Tracy xxx



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Jerry F


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DebLisa this comment tripped my thinking, "So now I have to continue to be his mother"... actually no...like others have said he is the adult and he is responsible for his choices and outcomes and research and solutions and you're not his mother...you're his "affected by the alcoholic's drinking" wife.  That is where the face to face meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups come in to play.  Find the hotline number in the white pages of your local telephone book and come join us where and at the times we get together in your area.  He's a big boy...a drunk big boy...and a big boy non-the-less.  Keep coming back cause the program works when you work it.   (((hugs))) smile  



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Heather 68


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Follow the three "C"s...you didn't cause it, you can not cure and you can not control it. In learning and practice this as well as detachment I have been able to allow my ABF to have to handle his own issues and crisis's. Needless to say he is not happy with it, calls me selfish, well to bad. It has to be about me in order to heal from the negative effects his drinking has had on me. He won't  talk to me and I am ok with that, from what i have learned that is normal for an A. Best of luck to you!



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