He was saved, again - Al-Anon Family Group

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

He was saved, again

laurab · Senior Member

My A son is in Phuket, Thailand. He has stopped his job, classes, friends etc and been holed up in his apartment, drinking beer. It's probably been 3 weeks, at least. We were hoping this would be the bottom, but he is saved again, because we were so scared. This morning we got a facebook private message from him that he was bleeding, couldn't walk, the Thai police were coming to evict him and he needed a hopital. His phone was gone, (probably the 20th lost phone,) and would we call our friend near him to help him. The thought of a Thai jail, and the bleeding, put us over the edge, and we called to get him to a hospital. i don't know if he could have done it himself. But, he is bleeding internally, has a cut on his face, and is totally smashed.

Our friends in Phuket are kindness pesonified and told us he could stay with them, after the hospital and until he is ready to fly home. They don't know that he can't come to us and has nowhere to go in the US.

I am trying to take one day at a time. Maybe there will be more help at the hospital if he is willing. Maybe there is another job in Phuket. Maybe he has a place in the US to go to, but I think he has burned through everyone he knows. I just don't know, and must not try to figure it out.

I am sorry that our friends are involved. I know my son is a great manipulator. I don't want him to hurt them. I have to wait and see. Maybe this time...

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

smile I am thinking of my own experience... I began sniffing petrol when i was four. I love the smell, and still do. I was lucky in a way because I was the oldest and my father's addiction hadn't fully kicked it. I must have been thinking fairly clearly at age four, and i realised that it was a good buzz, but in the end it was a dead end.

After years of Alanon I think i understand addiction. It is not the beer, the wine, or the illegals... it is the person. If the person does not have the will to live, there is little or nothing we can do.

We always hope and pray that our loved ones will hit rock bottom before too much damage is done. Before there is too many knockbacks. As a mum you gave your son life. That is something that I know about, but cannot fully understand.

As I grew up I began to give my life to may dad, little by little in the hope that he might live. I knew he wanted to die because he told me. Thing is he seemed to need more and more, and like the drinking, the more I gave the more he seemed to hate me.

Tough love is not an Alanon idea- it came up in latter years. I have heard a lot of weight but on the first word. But I do not think tough and nasty will ever work.

Putting equal weight on the second word is what works for me. Compassion, emotion... ...sometimes I will even cry. Crying openly, and hopefully with others, I find healing and strength.

Alanon will not guarentee that someone will stop drinking or using. All it does is give us the space to live out own lives. Not to feel bound up and responsible for someone else.

all the best, aww

David.

Fool4You · Veteran Member

Beautifully said DavidG. Thank you.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

laura I tried to imagine that was my son and boy did it hurt. I don't know what those prisons are like but I have seen lots of true shows, and read books on some horrible places and situations.

Myself, no way would I allow my son to end up in one if i could stop it. As it could be impossible to get them out. It may be where they will make you bribe them or ?

Well you are right. Now you take a day at a time and take care of you. He may be better off here in the USA where there are shelters, AA and other supports.

My heart sincerely goes out to you and yours and your dear son. love, debilyn

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Prayers for your son I hope that he receives the care he needs and that HP stays close by.

laurab · Senior Member

Thank you all.
I truly don't know how to go on.
I am trying to let go, but it is impossible. My son is bleeding, far away from us.
He is bi polar and won't take any meds because he doesn't need them
He will recover from the injuries he has done to his body, but I surely don't know anything else.
When he is able, he will most likely fly into JFK. Then what?
I can't leave him there.
I can't just drop him on the street in NYC.
He has an ex wife who I'm sure would have him, but she is so dysfunctional, they will both be drunk and drugged in a week.
He can't live here, deep in the woods, no drivers license, no local jobs and I can't trust him.
I feel as lost as he is.
Laura

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Laura the serenity prayer may help you.

Ok we cannot change he is an A who has burned many bridges. We cannot control if he drinks or whatever. So we accept what we cannot change ok?

Now courage to change what we can. He is safer in the US than Thailand that is a given. My Ex was there so I dearly understand this. So we can have the courage to pick him up and take him to this ex's and give him a hug, tell him we love him so very much and always will. Then he has to do the rest.

You as a mother, I am too, must do something because you must. (I mean your choice for your own heart, I can only go by my own experience here) It will make you feel better, it will not hurt him for you to do the above.

Sometimes we must do what is best for us. At least then you know he is landed here, somewhere where he has a chance. That is all we can do. Then for me, I picture my loved A's in this big hand of the creators.

I then can let go because I KNOW I have done all I could. Then I cry, nap, try to eat and keep believing no matter what it will be ok.

again lots of love, debilyn

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Laura))) some of my AA friends including my former AA sponsor have gone to AA meetings in Thailand. He can reach out. If AA is in the city he is in the Hospital will know it as I am sure he isn't the only one there who has been admitted or sought admission for injuries created by drinking and using. I had a huge awareness when I was able to be still and think about my powerlessness and one of the simple awarenesses that came to me was "you cannot rescue a person who doesn't want to be rescued or infact doesn't admit to the fact that they are drowing". My alcoholic/addict wife was that far along in her disease...that when she finally understood that she and only she was the trigger for her addiction she found recovery while spending the first two weeks of rehab with a bag over her head. She related to everyone that she had come to the understanding that if she did now allow herself to be led "blindly" into and thru recovery she would not make it. Your son might be there and might not be...I'll pray to my HP that your son is there. Keep coming back and let your HP have this completely. ((((hugs)))) smile

laurab · Senior Member

We are hoping for more news this evening, since it's 12 hours ahead there, therefore morning.
We can't detach now because my friends are now involved with my son and they are retired and leading the good life.
We need to protect them if he comes out of this nasty and belligerent. If he follows his patterns, he will be compliant and thankful for a while. They want to help him by giving him a place to stay for a while. They have already picked up after him by paying his rent and paying for the bike he stole, so now we owe them big bucks and we are grateful. We can't tell them to wait until he can pay them back, because that isn't fair to them. They automatically paid these bills to keep him out of jail, which was important.
I have all the AA info in Phuket. I sent it all to him last week before I realized that he was immobile and how really bad it was. He has never done AA for more than 2 or 3 meetings, then he is all better. Maybe this time. Maybe he is ready.
I did contact his ex. I sent her a message in facebook just letting her know that he is with our friends. I stopped there since this is his info.
I am grateful for all the help here.
Laura

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You could detach. You could let him use your friends and do whatever and let you friends deal with him. You could tell them they are getting involved with him at their own risk. You also don't know if jail was what he needed. I'm not trying to torture your mind or tell you that you did the wrong thing cuz you didn't at all. BUT, these are choices. You make it seem like you are prisoner to him and his disease. It sucks, it's horrible but it's his and your choices are yours.

If he puts himself in a Thai jail...so be it. Most folks on here have learned the hard way that NOTHING we do will stop certain outcomes from happening. Only the addict/alcoholic can save themselves. Obviously your retired friends can spot an alcoholic and a thief. You don't need to protect them. They are grown and so is your son.

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