Compromise - Al-Anon Family Group

Determined · Member

Compromise

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Determined

Welcome to Miracles in Progress (Love your log on name aww

)

I am so glad that you found us and shared your experiences Alcoholism is certainly cunning , baffling and powerful disease . Just as the alcoholic needs a program of recovery, we who live with them also have become infected by the disease and need our own program of recovery. Alanon is that program. It was founded by the wife of the founder of AA AFTER he had become sober.

Alanon has face to face meetings in most communities and can be found by calling the hot line number in the white pages. Here you will break the isolation caused by this disease, connect with others who understand as few others can and learn new tools to live by

Focused on ourselves, living one day at a time, trusting a Higher power life improves and we find ourselves once again.

Please keep coming back here as well Share the journey

Determined · Member

Thank you, My AH has just informed me that he will leave our home if i am not happy that i do not need to leave and that without us in it the pruchase of it was pointless. it is now that I always come running back. Right now I am feeling guilty and that I am making a bigger situation then needs to be and that maybe its not a big deal cause he hasn't taken it to the extreme as he use to and that maybe I should be understanding to social drinking and that many people do have one or two drinks on occasion and they're whole world isn't torn inside out and that maybe he could be that person now. I'm so confused and so sad and lost.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Kristel

This cocnfusion and uncertainty is common in alcoholic relationships Alanon suggests that we make no major life changes for the first 6 months to a year in program. The reason for this isthat it takes this long to be able to overcome our confusion, and sadness and to be able to make sane choices that will benefit the family instead of reacting to the situation

Please know you are not alone and what you are feeling will change as you attend meetings

In my thoughts

Zimmy · Senior Member

Johns post was so well worded, ditto what john says Ive learnt the hard way but for me now, if my abf is actively drinking anywhere then we cannot be together because its not about the level of alcohol in his body its what it does to his thinking as well and i am not prepared to put me and my children through the insanity his drinking always will cause.

The disease of alcoholism cannot be negotiated with or appeased at a certain level of alcohol it always wants more and more. this is only my opinion.

In support

Simone x

-- Edited by Zimmy on Friday 22nd of February 2013 05:50:27 AM

John · ~*Service Worker*~

I am a person who has zero tolerance for it in my home. This is my safe haven. its not where I house, shelter, cater to, entertain the insanity of, participate in the drama of.... any one's active alcoholism. They might want to play games with their disease, but I'm not playing games with my DIS-EASE...

The fact for me is pretty simple... sobriety is not merely the absince of a drink... it's the presence of serenity, peace, joy and freedom. When someone else's behaviors, or attitudes, crazy-making, drama driven BS starts invading my space... Someone is going to have to exit stage left and it isn't going to be me. As an alcoholic myself there came a day when I knew in my heart of hearts I was done. Until that day, I played all the games, manipulated, out-right lied, tried to justify, minimize and rationalize some of the most insane crap imaginable, and when I got you to conceed and agree with me, or at least stop arguing with me... that battle was won, until the next round of events. And trust me there was always the next round.

When I entered Al-Anon, it didn't happen over night but I finally got to a place where I knew in my heart of hearts that I was done. I was done being the one blamed, I was done being the one always rescuing, I was done trying to expect normal behavior or thinking from abnormal people, I was done trying to figure it all out and trying to find a way to fix what was bigger than me, that lived inside someone else... called Alcoholism. I was done. btw... it's has always been called alcohol-ism and to my knowledge there are no future plans for ever being able to call it "alcohol-wasism".

Today, I merely say... "you are an adult, you can do anything you'd like to do, but if it has alcohol or drugs attached to it... you are not going to do it here, nor do I want a active alcoholic or addict living under this roof... I should not be expected to be unhappy, hurting and suffering in my safe haven. Therefore, I want you to go immediately."

"Golly, I didn't drink here, I wasn't in the house, I just had a few, its not like I got smashed.. you are making a big deal out of nothing blah, blah, blah... "

If you swallow this, I have some land in Louisiana for sale... LOL

Your safe haven being violated is not nothing, its something... something big, something valuable to you, valued by you and should be respected by others, but if not, surely respected by YOU.

Now, having said that spill... in Al-Anon, we don't tell others what they should or shouldn't do... we only present to each other our experiences, try to be a source of strength and hope for each other. We don't endorse or oppose people staying or leaving their relationships, regardless of what our "personal opinions might be". What we do here, is try to be a place of support and unconditional love for you as you make the decision you are comfortable with. Come or go... stay or leave... we just want to be support to you as your journey of recovery, learning, growing and healing unfolds.

Most people don't or can't have as strict code as I impose on those living under this roof... for many, it could result in their having to pretty much dispose of everyone they love and that love them... so it's not something I would suggest to anyone... I merely share my experience, how I handle things... and allow others the room to make their own decisions and then try to support them the best I can.

I hope you find your answer... its inside yourself, its something you probably already know... just be honest with yourself and the rest will unfold.

John

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't think that there is any compromising or negotiating with an A whether active drinking or not. My AHsober (who left the marriage) has only thought of himself. Or should I say that the disease is the one that is self centered. He would always say that he always caved in to my demands but I see him as no compromising, no negotiating, his self-will.
Keep coming back!

Nancy

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

It's one thing to compromise your plans or your desires..

Compromising your values and your true self to appease someone else...That is crushing to your spirit.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Kristel, keep coming back to this forum for support and find al anon meetings in your area.

Determined · Member

I wish I would of know about this site a long time ago. I am going to a meeting this week but I really enjoy That with my insathese yay life these post have really made a huge difference in my day to day life and how it is here at any time of my day. I'm excited to see what sort of impact a meeting will have tho.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I would just say hey it is your body your choice, has zero to do with me. I refused to talk about it after I got tools from Al Anon. Just was not my focus.
As long as he treated me well and did the best he could it was fine. It was when he got abusive that was that. Out the door he went.

Then he would come back for awhile until he got dangerous again then out the door again.

I just do not care if they use whatever anymore. It is my choice to stay with them or not. I would never, ever date an A. not ever. not that they cannot be very cool people. I just cannot watch someone suffer like that.

Once you learn to detach from his business, his inventory, and just love him.

then maybe you can decide if you choose to live with it or not. hugs,debilyn

Sopes · Newbie

Hi determined...

I know what you're going through, although I don't have the children which I can understand makes it so so much harder, but I had the feelings that after threatening them and pushing them away that they eventually decided we were better without them that perhaps i'd gone too far and maybe the problem wasn't as bad as it seemed, afterall, he did tell me that he had it under control!!

I did stay, I went through hell, phone calls whilst at work during which he was being arrested for being drunk whilst in a car (Car was broken down but he had the keys and had fallen asleep in it on the motorway)... Do I go help?? DO I pick him up or do i leave him to get as low as possible so that he helps himself?? The moment before he hit bottom he'd flown back from a family visit, he'd been sober for about a month and then it all went wrong. I was so worried, he went into our local town, couldn't get hold of him just had texts every now and again saying he's made new friends and that he was in a graveyard... In the end he realised he'd gone too far... he hit bottom and went to AA. He's now doing great, 1 yr sober and happier than ever..

As hard as it is, they have to get to the bottom on their own, which inevitably means we have to let them put themselves in very dangerous situations which for me was the hardest thing..

You need to try to take care of YOU and your children..

I hope it all works out for you and we're all here for you so please don't stop asking for help.

Determined · Member

So as of today, after fighting two guys last night and publicly embarrassing not only himself and our family but our business's as well, he claims that he is done. I left last night and now he promises he's done and please come home. That I am a horrible support person tho and I should really work on it cause things wouldn't get so bad if I was more supportive to him instead of always making things worse. He has agreed to counseling and AA but can I please come home. He has plans this week to go on two separate trips with friends and I told him that it is hard for me to believe anything if he is still planning on going on them especially since they both involve alcohol and neither involves anyone sober. I felt so relieved last night to not be dealing with him and when he started texting and calling at 4:30am it was so nice to be able to just turn my phone off and go back to sleep. Oh the roller coaster of lies and promises my stomach is turning with what to do;0/

tortuga · Senior Member

Dear Determined,
Compromising with my ex ABF turned out to always be in his 'favor'...which by definition is not 'compromise' anymore...it is bargaining...it's a battle...which I could never win, ...and which, to be honest I never wanted to be in in the first place. I didn't know anything about alcoholism when I engaged in this relationship and I didn't ask for the insanity. Then I joined Al Anon and I learned a lot about ' sanity'. I found myself in a lot of confusion of what was healthy giving or just sick support or 'enabling' to someone very selfish, see-centered,. And guess what, he never even recognized or acknowledged my form of support and love and compassion...when it was all over, and i grew al lot thanks to Al Anon and learned to focus on myself and my needs, and learned to take care of me in a proper way, well King A got really angry, resentful and jealous of my behavior and claimed that I was a selfish, cold-hearted person for not taking care of him, for not pleasing him, for not 'supporting' him...because he isn't emotionally mature enough to just love me for who I am and to take care of his own created business. Like you I got told I was of horrible support, that I was complaining too much (and I did at first, true, because i didn't had the tools to cope with it correctly in the beginning...but I changed and THAT got him even more angry).....basically in the end he tried to always turn the guilt towards me, to seek all the faults in me...he stopped drinking indeed...but his attitude didn't change...he is not working any program, and is arrogant and thinks he is more clever than his disease..go figure!
well your AH is willing to try a program, let him time there...in the meanwhile focus more on yourself, you need your own care more than he does...because he is an adult and can take care of himself...if he can't...well he can learn it...the blaming should not happen with people with an honest humble attitude.
Time will show.
take good care of yourself.in support.

Determined · Member

It is amazing to me how much just listening and reading these post has already helped. I feel like I am being self centered here so far and hope that I can one day help someone the way you have all already helped me. I was strong enough not to go home as well to tell him exactly how I felt about him saying he wants to be sober and is starting now but yet deciding to go on those trips. I told him that I was comfortable trying to recover and get help after he got home but I felt that right now if I chose to come home that it would be to hard on me if he decides to drink while he is gone. That I can't deal with that let down right now and that I hoped that if he doesn't want to drink that he's able to not . I told him that I have to start taking care of me and he is making me feel so trapped that the thought of disappearing because I feel empty from any hope plays thru my head I know that I am at my rock bottom with his problem and I have to care for me. He tried to be mean and say that I'm f-Ed up and that this is not helping him at all. I told him that I am too angry inside and frustrated right now to see him because it would just be a fight and not heathy for any of us. I said we can see how I'm feeling tomorrow and go from there. Thank you all for giving me the courage to be able to say that to him.

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