"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

cRaZyJaDe · Member

What to do?

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Unfortunately, most of us are all too aware & familiar with the insanity of dealings with active A's....

My sponsor used to remind me to see my (then-active) A with a large "SSS" stamped on her forehead, which stands for "sick, sick, sick"

So, another one of my sponsor's gems was: "he is either gonna drink (or turn it on you, or resort to guns, etc) or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?

Time to choose recovery.... for YOU.

He'll either choose recovery for himself, or he won't.... either way, you are much further ahead...

Take care

Tom

Determined · Member

Wow! I felt like I was reading a page out of my journal minus the gun threatening thing. I am able to tell you that when reading this it did make me feel a little relief that my A has actually come a long way and I pray that you will feel that way some day when ready back on your post or that of another persons. It is amazing to me how we put up with such nonsense how sick I feel at times to jump right back on the train wreck he is conducting and how easy I am to forgive. Do you ever at times just wish that he would be the one that chooses to leave and not to the bar. I sometimes feel like it is all put on my shoulder as well to figure out not only how to resolve my issues but my husbands as well. It always amazes me too how much comfort and approval he seeks after such an incident and how somehow the table gets turned and you are the one feeling blamed and guilty. I hope that by communicating thru these post and being able to go to a few meetings that we both become strong enough to find the best for us in our situations. You will be in my thoughts today. Hugs!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear cRaZyJaDe

I hear your story and understand all too well how the events unfolded. In the heat of the madness, I too forgot that I was dealing with insanity and expected rational behavior and responses from an alcoholic who was not capable of responding rationally

His feeling threatened because he engaged in an argument with a 20 year old who was sober and threatened to "Kick his A** sounds legit. The fear that drives him took over and he wanted to gain the upper hand=--- which he did by getting the gun. I am so sorry that this unfolded as it did

You are in the right place and glad that you shared Alanon believes that we are as sick as our secrets.

Living with the disease of alcoholism affects everyone in the family and that is why we all need a program of recovery The alcoholic needs AA and Alanon is the perfect recovery program for those of us we who interact with them . We all loose ourselves in this type of relationship and end up reacting and not responding to the chaos. We become invisible and a shadow of whom we are.

Alanon meetings, sponsor, the slogans and the Steps help us to rediscover who we are and gives us the self esteem we need to live life on life's terms

Please check out the alanon meetings in your community and attend he hot line number is listed in the white pages. Your son would also be welcome or hr might like the alateen meetings

There is hope Please take care of you.

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

I can only share my ESh.

My partner has been sober for six months. He has had two other sobriety atempts that lasted 6 months and 9.

Once an alcoholic always it doesnt go away. When he was active and I was in the middle of it all I became crazy the disease attacks me TOO!!!!

His lasat bender I left him to it , it lasted 6 months and GOd did he end up in a state living on the streets. I will no longer engage with this disease. He went to his mums friends etc. I protected myself and never got hurt, I tried to not look at what he was doing and really began my recovery.

I joined a step study group, upped my meetings and through myself into learning about what loving an alcoholic had done to me. We both faced the consequences of our choices. I got healthier, sanier, happier , my confidence and self esteem returned.

He got sicker, he lost all he loved his kids, mum, friends never protected themselves they are not in recovery, he ended up alone hit rock bottom and went back to AA. it was hard so hard for me to leave him to it but I know today there is nothing I can do and when he is well he would want me to protect myself instead of letting the disease get me TOO!!!!

Today we live together, he works full time, has a sponsor ad Hp, he can not make many meetings because of work and i have to hand this over and focus on my recovery, its not my plan I just get in the way.

I love my life today I have not done anything for him, I have just applied the programme to my life, working the steps, attending meetings, reach out when I need to. You mattr to take care of you and let Hp take care of him take what you like and leave the rests hugs tracy xxxxx

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi CrazyJade,

When my AH tries to off load his feelings of guilt/shame or whatever onto me (in other words when he has a tantrum) I try to pause and ask myself 'how am I with this?'

If the answer is negative (ie 'getting angry', or 'feeling belittled' etc) then I put myself first and politely, in as few words as possible, excuse myself from the situation. If AH does not accept a polite withdrawal then I simply walk away. I find that 'Dignity' is a useful word to keep in mind.

I used to think that I was tough enough to ride out the storm, that I was protecting our marriage and my husband. That I was strong. But I now think that I was simply giving AH's 'drinking brain' a license to continue his shameful behaviour. I can't imagine how he felt about himself after each tantrum ( and I'm not in the least bit surprised that he usually ended up drowning out his guilt again under those circumstances). It just kept going downhill.

I've also noticed that I have allowed AH's tantrums to distract me from the simple facts of a situation - with enough provocation I loose my temper, feel bad about it and then, magic trick completed, I forget about what an idiot he was being in the first place. I suspect a lot of smoke and mirrors and manipulation have kept me distracted for years - dugh!!

Are you able to talk to your son about this episode btw? Perhaps the two of you might both be able to brainstorm some ideas.

Being English I must say anything to do with guns scares the **** out of me and perhaps there is an opportunity in the midst of all this madness to draw some protective boundaries?

Take care of yourself and seek out some help as well.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

"I will sound super-pathetic for keeping him around. Because that is how I feel. I want to be the strong, intelligent, independent woman that I used to be, but I can't find her."

I want to address this so I can speak to what is going on with me and hopefully be useful to you. This statement speaks to feelings of shame I saw in me last night when I did not want to discuss with my sponsor how I was once again dealing with the same behaviors from my husband that are not acceptable to me; behaviors that have been present for 26 years (pigeons do what pigeons do). I realized when I read your post that I reacted the way I reacted to him because I was feeling lonely (the L in HALT..am I hungry, angry, lonely, tired?). I feel lonely because I do not ask people to do things with me because I assume they will say no..a response I get from my husband. This is very wrong thinking on my part....it is habitual thinking...it makes me sad that I have allowed myself to stay lonely. I appear to not need anyone, that has been my defense after years of living with an addict. I have been the "go to" person when people need assistance; partly because of my career training, however, it is so hard for me to let others see that I need company. You, like me, are a strong, intelligent, independent woman or we would not have survived and in many ways thrived despite what we have chosen. We can make different choices. For today, I am choosing to go out and buy myself a gift and tomorrow I am meeting a friend in the afternoon; weather did not permit us to get together today at our scheduled time.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

ok here is the old stand by: You cannot rationalyze insanity.

He is using his brain is damaged, he is insane. So its more what is going on with you?

It is up to you if you keep him around, same as it is up to him if he is going to continue to drink. Its all an illness. His disease makes you sick too.

Its good you came here and vented. Have you read,"Getting Them Sober?" by Toby Rice Drews, volume one? You would learn lots from it.

Hey people get a high from fighting and arguing. Its sick sick sick.

All the drama just does not matter. we accept it and use tools to live with it. we keep it the same or they can leave or we can. that simple.

Its the taking that first step that is hard. We have to love our life serene more than getting involved with the insanity. I don't care what I have been thru since my ex AH left, nothing has been as bad as watching his insanity.

Drama is not part of my life. I love the quiet and happiness I have now. We forget that we really do not have to live like that, and how good life can be. hugs,debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"